Jesus – As for me, I will always have Hope

Writing under pressure… It is very simple, on Thursday evening a word prompt is shared by Kate and on Friday we give ourselves 5 minutes to write.

5 minutes!! And without a grammar check or editing we post whatever came to our creative minds…

This week’s word is NEW…

Ready… Set… Go…

This week Jesus met me at the cross, in a new way. Very unexpectedly. Sure my Father had been telling me He was doing a new thing. I was to enter into a new season of healing of which He has been showing me, is going to be different from all other seasons of healing I went through. It is going to be deeper and it is not by my doing. My Father has told me to walk and just show up…

I went to church Tuesday evening, to show up… Jesus had a plan for me. I will spare you the details for now but Jesus took me personally to the cross.

When Jesus hung at the cross and seemed to have died, people wanted to be sure. And so they took a spear and poked it right into his side. He didn’t budge and they knew He was ‘gone’.

When I was crying out all my wounds on Tuesday: father wounds, rejection wounds, incest wounds, you name it wounds… I finally landed at mother wounds. I have never really thought about me having mother wounds because wasn’t it my dad who abused me? And God showed me that I had wounds way before I was ever abused, mother wounds. At some point I was asked where Jesus was when I was being abused. And I said: “He just stood there. He did nothing!” and I sobbed. My hands were pulled out in front of me by the pastor… would I fill my hands with my mother wounds, with my rejection wounds? Would I walk to the cross and stick it right into Jesus’ bleeding heart? Right there, where it belongs. Right there… that is why Jesus died. For my wounds, my aches, my hurts. I am not alone. He has felt it all. He knows. And right there, He shows me He never ‘just stood there and did nothing’. THIS is what He is doing at the cross. And I understood. I felt it. And I will never look the same at the cross. Jesus took me to the cross and let me feel it. My Heavenly Father, although it looked horrible, loved on me in a very sweet way.

STOP!

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Last week was a painful week for me, for more reason than one. But when I look at the two pains, I see that out of both pains came good.

When my oma was not doing well and the end was near, with Tim being out of town, dad invited me to stay with them. “They were my family now too and I shouldn’t be alone” he told me. That was good out of bad. I had never experienced family like the way I was experiencing it that week. When I had that emotional morning and was hurting over my sister rejecting me, I ended up sitting down with mom (MIL) and we had a long chat about my hurts, and life in general. It was the first time we sat down like that, just the two of us for an hour of uninterrupted time, sharing back and forth. I realize we are still getting to know one another and this was a very precious time that we closed with praying together. What a blessing! Again, good came out of bad.

Then this morning I realized it was the same with Jesus’ death. Out of the horrible death on the cross came good. And so I look to that and it’s healing for my soul. Out of every bad, no matter how bad, God always lets good come out.

I remember going through counseling, dealing with my past of sexual abuse, people were always quick to say: “God will turn this into good, it will not be for nothing.” I H A T E D when people said that. For one, I was in the middle of deep deep suffering, do you really think this is a message I want to hear right now? If I could trade my life with someone who’s life wasn’t filled with that pain, I would trade it. I would rather have a life that was easy and good without all the lessons than my life filled with abuse, pain and abandonment that somehow I would learn from and that at some point would turn into a blessing for others. Forget the “God will turn into good”.

But looking at last week, in the midst of all of it… good came out of the bad. God took care of it. He took care of me. I am still looking to see where my past of sexual abuse will turn into good. Other than a documentary was made about my life years ago and that was a testimony. I was on TV plenty of times sharing my story, counseling people and sharing the lessons I had learned. And I simply sat (sit) with people in church during ministry time. Some of it seems far away today though. I hope it will somehow get more meaning in the now and future too. That is up to God. My heart is willing. But knowing that my life isn’t different from Jesus’ is a bandaid on my heart, it’s encouragement for my future. His bad turned into good, my bad will turn into good, your bad WILL turn into good.

So in my opinion it’s better to let the bad be there, work VERY hard to heal and give it a place in your heart, even though you’d rather have something more beautiful in there. And one day you will wake up and see that God has done good in it.

God bless our hurting hearts. And bless God for His ‘system’ where He lets good come out of bad, always!