Embracing Pain

Maddy in Kindergarten.

I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life.  I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected.  And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep.  It feels like a slice into my heart every single time.  I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me.  I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel.  And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me.  I have a God who is truly saying I am enough.  God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom.  It’s my desire to be healthy.  I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me.  But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is.  I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life.  In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship.  Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.  It is a very painful thing.  I am all for family.  In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us.  But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is.  And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me.  But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister.  Besides, I really do love her… still.  Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep.  Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it.  I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends.  But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together.  In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch…  But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life.  I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom.  First of all, I want His love to be enough.  I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me.  Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up.  Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this.  It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me.  I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me.  And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts.  This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me.  No need to pretend it’s not there.  I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real.  I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-8639

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

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10 comments on “Embracing Pain

  1. Sara

    You said yourself there’s nothing wrong with you. I know we all want to feel wanted and loved but, this is all about her and her pain and how she chooses to live her life. When you love yourself you are able to love others. Continue to love yourself Maddy and know that you are special and the people that are in your life feel so special to be called your friend and family. Couldn’t imagine my life without you!!!

  2. Faith

    Just want to tell you again that you are loved by all of us here. You can’t help or be responsible for your sister . She will have to deal with her actions herself. But as you have said that doesn’t help your hurt–only God can do that! I believe you need to concentrate on those who do love you and want you in their lives–that doesn’t mean that you neglect to always pray for God intervention in her life. “Weeping May endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning”. It is o,k, to weep for a season but don’t let her hurting you destroy your peace and joy. As you trust Him and give Him your cares, He will heal your wounded heart. I love you, Maddy.

  3. C

    Hi Maddy. I loved your blog and I love your openness and willingness to admit your pain and your struggle. I pray that TRUTH will reign in your life and that you will see God redeem the pain in your life for HIS glory. I know that grief and the pain of rejection is hard, very hard to deal with but I will be praying with you. God wants to bring complete healing into your life. Don’t let go of your HOPE in the Lord! I pray God will raise us up to be righteous, Godly women – fully broken & transformed for His glory! HUGS to you!!

  4. Steve

    Dear Maddy, thank you for sharing this. There are some “stoplight” relationships in my family also… very painful and sad. Praying for you and your family.

  5. Larry Seger

    Glad I ran across this. Just this week I was led to actively work on forgiveness and resentments in my life, and didn’t have too much direction. Your heart and practical thoughts help. Thanks.

  6. Katie Cook

    I am so sorry you are experiencing rejection from your sister. Girl, my heart is breaking for you. I will pray right now that God will pour his healing balm over you, give you peace, and help you to know that being rejected isn’t who you are. This world is sinful and so things may happen to us, but the truth is that GOD has chose you, and you are accepted! Much love, Katie

    1. MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp

      Thank you so much Katie, those are powerful and loving words!! And your prayers will make a difference, thanks so much!

  7. susandominikovich

    Thanks for pointing me here MaddyChristine. Your story touches my heart…I kinda want to give you a great big hug virtual hug. Remember that your sister’s rejection is about her, not you. And if all else fails, go with my mantra. A very wise person advised me that when I get caught up in my thoughts about people who have behaved badly toward me, remind myself that “it sucks to be them.” Not in a “ha ha, you lose” sort of way, but in a genuine, wow, it really does suck to be them, sort of way. They will have to meet Jesus one day and account for all that they’ve done–the rejection and the hurt that they’ve caused you. Not only that, they know somewhere deep down that they are behaving badly. The guilt is there, no matter how repressed it is or how much they self-justify. But most important, they are a broken mirror, just like us. They have issues and stories of their own that they haven’t reconciled, which makes them do the things they do. They may not even have Jesus in their lives. It sucks to be them.

    1. MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp

      Thanks for stopping by Susan, and for your reminders. It’s so hard to grasp that this is not about me.