Apr162014

No matter how bad, God always lets good come out of bad

Last week was a painful week for me, for more reason than one. But when I look at the two pains, I see that out of both pains came good.

When my oma was not doing well and the end was near, with Tim being out of town, dad invited me to stay with them. “They were my family now too and I shouldn’t be alone” he told me. That was good out of bad. I had never experienced family like the way I was experiencing it that week. When I had that emotional morning and was hurting over my sister rejecting me, I ended up sitting down with mom (MIL) and we had a long chat about my hurts, and life in general. It was the first time we sat down like that, just the two of us for an hour of uninterrupted time, sharing back and forth. I realize we are still getting to know one another and this was a very precious time that we closed with praying together. What a blessing! Again, good came out of bad.

Then this morning I realized it was the same with Jesus’ death. Out of the horrible death on the cross came good. And so I look to that and it’s healing for my soul. Out of every bad, no matter how bad, God always lets good come out.

I remember going through counseling, dealing with my past of sexual abuse, people were always quick to say: “God will turn this into good, it will not be for nothing.” I H A T E D when people said that. For one, I was in the middle of deep deep suffering, do you really think this is a message I want to hear right now? If I could trade my life with someone who’s life wasn’t filled with that pain, I would trade it. I would rather have a life that was easy and good without all the lessons than my life filled with abuse, pain and abandonment that somehow I would learn from and that at some point would turn into a blessing for others. Forget the “God will turn into good”.

But looking at last week, in the midst of all of it… good came out of the bad. God took care of it. He took care of me. I am still looking to see where my past of sexual abuse will turn into good. Other than a documentary was made about my life years ago and that was a testimony. I was on TV plenty of times sharing my story, counseling people and sharing the lessons I had learned. And I simply sat (sit) with people in church during ministry time. Some of it seems far away today though. I hope it will somehow get more meaning in the now and future too. That is up to God. My heart is willing. But knowing that my life isn’t different from Jesus’ is a bandaid on my heart, it’s encouragement for my future. His bad turned into good, my bad will turn into good, your bad WILL turn into good.

So in my opinion it’s better to let the bad be there, work VERY hard to heal and give it a place in your heart, even though you’d rather have something more beautiful in there. And one day you will wake up and see that God has done good in it.

God bless our hurting hearts. And bless God for His ‘system’ where He lets good come out of bad, always!

What bad did God turn into good in your life?

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

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Apr072014

Embracing Pain

I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life. I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected. And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep. It feels like a slice into my heart every single time. I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel. And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me. I have a God who is truly saying I am enough. God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom. It’s my desire to be healthy. I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me. But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is. I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life. In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship. Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is a very painful thing. I am all for family. In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us. But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is. And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me. But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister. Besides, I really do love her… still. Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep. Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it. I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends. But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together. In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch… But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life. I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom. First of all, I want His love to be enough. I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me. Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up. Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this. It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me. I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me. And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts. This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me. No need to pretend it’s not there. I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real. I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

I love that you are here, and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Apr052014

Another man who deserves to be listened to…

Dad called me on Tuesday. “Hey Maddy, I know you are dropping Tim off tomorrow. I want you to know you can stay here as long as you’d like. It may be really good for you to be here when Tim is gone for the week. With everything going on with your oma… maybe you need to stay with us until we know what is happening with her. This is a time you need to be with family. Oh well… I just needed you to know you are welcome here for as long as you’d like.”

It’s a very sweet phone call but in my mind I had decided to drop off Tim, spend a day at mom and dads (sewing with mom) and return home. It never really dawned on me to stay. When I arrived in York dad kept mentioning it to me. Oma’s situation was rapidly changing, me making calls throughout the day to get an update. I was sewing when all of a sudden dad’s message dawned on me: Here is another man in my life who deserves to be listened to. It’s only because he repeated his message several times that I woke up to the true meaning. Dad wanted me here, my family wanted me here, I needed to be with family, I shouldn’t be alone as I wait for oma to pass while my husband is traveling the country for work.

Over the past two years I have been learning to follow my husband’s wise words and his good lead… I should follow his dad’s also. It’s really a gift men have. If we led them, they really are good at leading us so very well. I went to having no men in my life to having two.

So I listened and I stayed, I am still here as a matter of fact and it is a very warm bath. This bed of love I have just not grown up with. In my mind I had no reason to stay. In my mind I could not grasp what it would be like to stay, that it would be all about love. It’s not that mom and dad are doing very special things now that I am here, it’s who they are that makes the difference. They show me what family is like, you’re just together (especially when there are emotional things to deal with like waiting on your oma passing), you sew with your mom, you cook dinner together, you spend your time on the couch at night, there’s chat throughout the day… see, I guess nothing out of the ordinary. But when people love well, you don’t need extra ordinary. It’s just who they are!

And I can’t explain the following very well but I know my Heavenly Father is multiplying this love. Through mom and dad’s love I feel His love going very deep. It is very sweet, strong and solid. I know people are praying for me, knowing it’s a little hard for me not to be home right now. All that together causes me to be surrounded with powerful love.

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Apr042014

Dancing in Heaven

How sad can one really be when someone turned 89. When, up to a year and a half ago, this someone was still traveling the world, riding her bike to the beach and still lived independently. And yet oma’s passing yesterday is still sad. Our family isn’t the same without her. She was our bonding factor. Our family gets together when oma calls us together. It’s the one thing she always mentioned to me: “Will you still come together as a family when I am gone?”

On Monday I got the news that oma was in her last days, perhaps week. I wrote her a card right away, wondering if it would get to Holland on time. It didn’t. I still want to say these words out loud…

Dear oma,

This could be my last card to you. This morning I heard you are going down hill. The end on earth is in sight. Dear oma, I do hope that it may go fast from here on, without suffering but surrounded by you children.

And yes oma, we call this ‘going down hill’ but in my opinion it can only get better. Leaving life and the people might be hard, but soon you will have a new life, in a new body, without the suffering of this world. You have known suffering in this life time with the loss of your baby, you lost both opa and the 2nd man in your life, and let’s not forget about the suffering your children and grandchildren had to endure from time to time, you’ve suffered with them. Soon you will have forgotten that, very soon you will go to a beautiful place where there is rest, beauty and peace. That is what I hope for you. Know that Tim and I think of you constantly these days. Our heart is with with your heart.

And oma… I will never forget what kind of oma you were. One who’s often very naughty: washing the dishes but hiding the dishes throughout the house: forks in the planter, plates like books on the book shelf and pots and pans in the yard. I also loved the fact that as a child I was allowed to dump my food on your plate, if only dad or mom, or mostly opa wouldn’t catch us. And hmmm, will I mentioned it? The times where you felt that the utensils we ate with at the restaurant were included in the price 😉 .

In short… omas are there to have fun with, to do naughty things with and to know no rules. Here in the States they often find me exuberant and crazy at times. I think I have some of that from you and I don’t mind that one bit.

Lieve oma, the family will not be the same without you… thank you for everything you have given me. You will be well oma, very well. Until we meet again…

Much love, Tim and Maddy

Most of you do not know my oma. I don’t need words to describe her because the photos of our wedding will tell it all. Let me tell you that oma was the first one on our dance floor and the last one to get off. Yes, she was almost 88 on the day of our wedding and people were stunned. Oma was a party girl, knowing no limits.

I am thinking oma is dancing in Heaven right now!

PHOTO CREDIT: JEFF WOJTASZEK

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Mar312014

The Differences

Last week I was corresponding with someone from my church in Holland. An American that is. I was drawn to her because we both went through moving across the ocean. Accept, she (an American) married a Dutchy and immigrated to Holland. I (a Dutchy) married an American and immigrated to the States. My motivation to write was the fact that I am in Holland soon and I wanted to bring her some American goodies, goodies I am sure she is missing just like I am missing Dutch goodies. It was so nice to connect with someone who understands! Erin understands that there is a big difference between Holland and the States. She understands that building new friendships takes effort and patience because we are no longer in college when that was pretty much a smooth ride. She understands that humor is the first thing that goes out the door when moving to a different country.

Don’t get me wrong. I think my transition to the States was an easy one. Very smooth. I was happy to move!!!! There are just some things that happen when you make a big move like that, there will be things to miss like typical holidays, family and friends, products and cultural normalities.

God was so good when He gave me the desires of my heart, not only in marriage but also with me living in the States again. God was so faithful and good in the details too. 10 minutes west of me I have my best friend Melissa, 10 minutes east of me I have my best friend Sharron. I am blessed and my start wasn’t as raw as Erin’s for sure. She moved to a country she had probably never visited before. Dutch is a very difficult language to learn while English is a wide spread language that has overtaken the Dutch TV channels and even the Dutch language is infiltrated by English words. So I reckon my move across the ocean was a bit easier for me than it was for Erin.

And still… there are things I miss. I didn’t realize something till last October. I was in Holland for a brief visit and me and mom were getting together with family friends. I grew up with this family and I was as much their child as my moms 😉 . First of all, we went into this bar type place, kind of like a brown cafe in a historical building and we spent time ‘ borrelen ‘. Now there you have a miss. In Holland there’s this things called ‘ borrelen ‘ and nothing in the States is like it. You just sit in one place for hours and talk and laugh. No one grabs your empty plate when you are done, you are not rushed out of the door. You can take the table for as long as you’d like without people eyeing you out. And you order these typical Dutch snacks, thus the name ‘ borrelen ‘. We were having so much fun and we were laughing… and very specifically, they were laughing because of me. And all of a sudden I realized that these people get me. These people get me like no one (accept Tim) in the States gets me. We share the same humor. Described by Tim as dry, quirky, a little cynical at times and over the top.

Just this weekend Tim and I had a bunch of friends over. The main goal of the weekend was to have a fun sleepover and playing a game called ‘ Cards against humanity’. When I read about this game I knew right away this wasn’t a game for me. Although I am pretty fluent in English, I am just not good at word games. There’s still too much I don’t get. And my humor is so different, I simply don’t get American humor. And to be the center of attention while finishing sentences and it needing to be fun… I was just nervous and insecure. Erin was describing how she cracks joke after joke in Holland but people are just not realizing how funny she really is 😉 .

Another conflict I run into is that I am your typical Dutch: loud, don’t beat around the bush kind of person, what I think is what I say. I sometimes see some shocked faces when conversing with people. They think I am rude 😉 . So it takes some getting used to, namely for the people 😉 . I wonder if I should work real hard to change, on the other hand this is so who I am. So, good friends are getting used to me and new people I kind of warn up front.

History… I miss having history with people. I have friends that have people around them who they’ve known for years, they share a history. I don’t really share history with people, I am building history. So at times I can feel left out, especially when there is talk about the good old days. When hanging out in October I just loved that these dear friends knew me so well. Even in giving advice… there’s a certain wisdom that comes from history.

Other differences, challenges and opportunities:

~ Adjusting recipes because I can’t find ‘my’ ingredients.

~ Food is SO expensive here. That is hard to get over.

~ I miss the easiness of being able to buy a good fresh bread at he bakery. Bakeries are rare and when I find one I am just not willing to spend $ 6 – $ 10 on a bread. Now I just make my own bread.

~ Our licorice that is not the same as your red licorice. True licorice doesn’t come in red, trust me.

~ Americans dye flowers, that is CRAZY to me. Please let flowers just be flowers.

~ I miss riding my bike everywhere. Where we live it is very hilly. I went to get milk by bike once… not a success… For one, my husband made me wear a helmet and two, when I wasn’t home after an hour and a half he got worried. It wasn’t a quick errand like in Holland, the hill was tougher than I thought it would be 😉 .

~ I always loved everything being so big here. In Holland, while missing the States, I filled my kitchen with big American mugs and all. But now here I miss ‘schoteltjes’ (VERY small desert plates) for a piece of cake. You eat desert or cake off a regular plate, really?

These are just little facts of what happens to a person when she moves into a different culture. I am not complaining. Let me say again, the ‘ love’s ‘ out way the ‘ misses ‘ big time:

~ Tim!!!!

~ An American husband who leads his wife so very well. In Holland we tend to not focus on the roles between husband and wives, and precisely the leading role the husband can carry out so well.

~ An American husband who takes providing for his family very seriously.

~ My new life in being married.

~ I married into a believing family!

~ I love church in America.

~ The space everywhere.

~ The weather. Even in the winter the sun shines daily.

~ Snow in the winter.

~ Being able to exercise outside all the time.

~ The gym only costs 7 dollars a month, unlimited excess.

~ Starbucks.

~ The coffee flavors.

~ Coffee to go.

~ Bank Drive Through.

~ Bed Bath and Beyond.

~ Bath and Body works.

~ Chocolate chips.

~ Stores are open 24/7.

~ The whole 24/7 concept is pretty cool.

~ Flavors and scents in everything (I love the lotions here).

~ Having an accountability partner. It is hard to find in Holland, people are not used to ‘systems’ like this.

~ Amazing and big fabric stores.

~ Very cute coffee shops (and coffee shop actually means COFFEE shop).

~ Growing in creativity and self sufficiency. Ok, so I can’t find my Dutch All Spice here. Well… why don’t I make my own spice then. I get more creative all the time and figure out how to make things myself.

Did you ever experience moving into a different culture? What were your ‘ loves ‘ and ‘ misses ‘ ?

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Mar272014

Quilt number two

I guess I am sticking with the sewing. I started another quilt project and even though I have my ‘ My Life In Photos ‘ blog, I wanted to share it here as well. Just to proof to you all I am still becoming more and more like that woman I spoke about earlier.

Tim and I still haven’t found our way in our blanket situation. After 1 1/2 years of marriage, we still haven’t figured out the amount of sheets and blankets on our bed. Tim prefers to have nothing, even in the winter. I always want something heavy on me, even in the summer. Go figure. Has it taken other couples this long to figure out the middle? Well, making a summer quilt is my attempt to find ‘the middle’.

And to see the end results I guess you just need to stay tuned. It’ll be a while though since I’ve got a ton on my plate working on a Dutch TV project and we are preparing for our trip to Burkina Faso.