The Cross – As for me, I will always have Hope

‘I am barely holding on’, that is what I have been saying the last few weeks. It felt like no one really understood the debt of what I was saying. Even the therapist, she and friends have been telling me we are doing great. That we are doing an awesome job in this trial with our boy. But all I felt was exhaustion and emotions. I was barely hanging on.

We are constantly trying to read our boy. When he behaves a certain way we are constantly processing our best next move. When he is angry we try to find ways to love him, and we certainly try to control our feelings and anger. It’s not an easy thing but we do not want to mess up and so we invest, invest, invest in doing the right thing and not become angry. When our boy is disconnecting from us, our house turns into this place of tension that is sometimes unbearable. We have to be okay with this uncomfortable feeling. We have to be okay with our boy either loving us, or hating us. For now, there is nothing in between. And it changes all the time.

Today I was reminded that God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light. Boy, it has not felt like that at all.

I forgot. I stopped seeing. Seeing the truth. Seeing God’s work. Seeing God’s call on our life. I am a hundred percent sure that God chose us for this boy. And we ARE doing an amazing job with him. And our behavior, in many ways, shows Jesus. I really feel we are being Jesus and it is so very powerful. We are SO determined to be the difference for our boy. We constantly remind ourselves that our boy is hurting and broken and he’s been through too much. That is the reason for the hardship, not the boy himself. It’s his past that get’s ‘in the way’. So when he yells three days straight, we try to keep it together and speak with calm voices. When he ignores me I still will speak to him and reach out knowing he is not going to even give me a glimpse. I still make him his lattes that he loves, knowing it will go to waste because on bad days he will refuse anything I do for him. And Jesus has given us the honor to be like Him.

But it is hard work. It is exhausting. My body aches and faints (literally) because I am drained. I cry, oh I cry a lot. Tim and I, we are working hard to hold hands through it all and not turn against each other. Our margins are gone and if we do not watch it, we will no longer be a good team. So we find ways to do life in the midst of all this: we ask friends to come over on days that it is hard, we go out for drinks at a bar close to us, or we just visit a batting cage and play together. There is still life in the midst of battle. What a precious gift to have.

Today I thought about the cross. Jesus was never able to reach heaven without the pain of the cross. And He could not suffer the cross without knowing what was beyond the cross, heaven and life for all. There is no way our boy can heal without getting through all the fear, the doubt and pain. And there is no way we will be a family without us going through the tests and the rejection of this hurting boy. We have to let it be okay that we hurt before we get to a better place. And very important is that we do not forget to look beyond our now. We know where we are headed. This boy has a great chance of healing his heart and someday even being able to do relationships to the point he can even care for a wife. He has great desires to one day be married and have 4 children. He is convinced that he will be a great dad. And we are convinced that if he stays with the hard work now, that one day, yes, he will make us into very proud grandparents.

So today Jesus let me see again. He reminded me of the bigger picture. He reminded me that He has picked our home for this boy to heal. He reminded me that the future is worth getting through the pain now. He reminded me of the privilege to be Jesus like. We just have to remember the bigger picture.

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Last week was a painful week for me, for more reason than one. But when I look at the two pains, I see that out of both pains came good.

When my oma was not doing well and the end was near, with Tim being out of town, dad invited me to stay with them. “They were my family now too and I shouldn’t be alone” he told me. That was good out of bad. I had never experienced family like the way I was experiencing it that week. When I had that emotional morning and was hurting over my sister rejecting me, I ended up sitting down with mom (MIL) and we had a long chat about my hurts, and life in general. It was the first time we sat down like that, just the two of us for an hour of uninterrupted time, sharing back and forth. I realize we are still getting to know one another and this was a very precious time that we closed with praying together. What a blessing! Again, good came out of bad.

Then this morning I realized it was the same with Jesus’ death. Out of the horrible death on the cross came good. And so I look to that and it’s healing for my soul. Out of every bad, no matter how bad, God always lets good come out.

I remember going through counseling, dealing with my past of sexual abuse, people were always quick to say: “God will turn this into good, it will not be for nothing.” I H A T E D when people said that. For one, I was in the middle of deep deep suffering, do you really think this is a message I want to hear right now? If I could trade my life with someone who’s life wasn’t filled with that pain, I would trade it. I would rather have a life that was easy and good without all the lessons than my life filled with abuse, pain and abandonment that somehow I would learn from and that at some point would turn into a blessing for others. Forget the “God will turn into good”.

But looking at last week, in the midst of all of it… good came out of the bad. God took care of it. He took care of me. I am still looking to see where my past of sexual abuse will turn into good. Other than a documentary was made about my life years ago and that was a testimony. I was on TV plenty of times sharing my story, counseling people and sharing the lessons I had learned. And I simply sat (sit) with people in church during ministry time. Some of it seems far away today though. I hope it will somehow get more meaning in the now and future too. That is up to God. My heart is willing. But knowing that my life isn’t different from Jesus’ is a bandaid on my heart, it’s encouragement for my future. His bad turned into good, my bad will turn into good, your bad WILL turn into good.

So in my opinion it’s better to let the bad be there, work VERY hard to heal and give it a place in your heart, even though you’d rather have something more beautiful in there. And one day you will wake up and see that God has done good in it.

God bless our hurting hearts. And bless God for His ‘system’ where He lets good come out of bad, always!