Family

Sep082014

Just a tiny little update…

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-2229.LGood morning… I wonder how many more times I get to sit here on our porch.  The mornings are getting chilly and there’s only so many sweaters I can put on.  But it is good to be back!
 
Last week I had a Dutch crew over for a TV program I have been working on for almost a year.  As expected it was a very full week with long days.  I missed my mornings with God on the porch.  But God was very present and the week could not have been more successful.  Of course I loved being in Amish country with my friends, which is where all this is supposed to take place.
 
Mornings on the porch are going to be absent for another week since Tim and I are taking dad to his home town, Madison Wisconsin.  For a while dad has expressed his desire to go back and see the farm he grew up on, his brother and other family members.  His health is not the best and this is the time to do it.  He asked us to take him and mom.  The travelers we are, we didn’t have to think long on this.  Besides, dad has added a stop along the way, a stop he is making for me.  We are going to visit Holland Michigan.  I have always wanted to go there and here’s my change.  I can’t wait.
 
Today I am trying to take it easy and rest a bit.  I am truly tired from last week’s hours and I have little writing inspiration.  So I’ll leave you with some photos from Amish country…
 
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MaddyChristine Hope Photography-2242.LMaddyChristine Hope Photography-9905.L(These photos are taken and posted with permission)
 
 
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Jun062014

Community scares me

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-Summer in KennettSo I have always had lots of friends, and I love socializing.  I love people!  But when Tim started mentioning us moving so we can be closer to friends, I wasn’t too thrilled.  
 
I LOVE where we live.  Tim had this home ready for us when we got married.  It was pretty far out from where he used to live but Tim knew what I had left behind in Holland, he wanted to give me similar characteristics.  So far out we moved so I could have some cows around, lots of green and space.  It blessed me from the get go.  When we got home after our honeymoon I started going on morning walks to be with my Heavenly Father.  I LOVED it.  It is so very peaceful and I feel blessed every time I go out.  I love the quiet crisp morning, the birds chirping, my walk starts as soon as I close the door– no need for a car to drive me anywhere, and sometimes we hear cows mooing at night.  It is perfect!
 
But it is no longer perfect for Tim.  Tim is a people’s person.  He energizes by being with people.  After we got married, not only did I leave people behind but by us moving, Tim sort of left his friends at a distance too.  After having been here for a year and a half, we realize it is just not convenient.  Most people don’t like to make the 40 minute drive to come see us, and we don’t like to always have to drive for everything either.  We would love to be more involved in church but that is hard when we are so far away.  Besides, we are ‘in the spur of the moment’ people and that doesn’t work when you live 40 minutes from your community.  Tim was starting to ache.  He missed his friends and it was starting to show.  
 
Tim was good to give me time.  Knowing I love where we live, he would just mentioned moving every now and then and it started to settle in me.  I realized that I too would benefit from moving.  And I had to be honest with myself… I wasn’t too thrilled not only because I would miss our surroundings… but because community scares me.  It was a bit of a hard awakening.
 
I realize I have never really lived in a community setting.  Growing up everything was pretty dysfunctional and I learned that I can manage on my own.  I learned it is very safe to manage on my own.  Sure I have tried the community thing but I feel God is bringing it to the next level.  I think He has great things in store when we move.  Like me learning TO DO community.  Like me learning to BE ME and seeing people will STILL love me.  Like SHARING LIFE.  Like BEING THERE FOR one another, which goes BOTH WAYS.  I think there is just a lot of healing involved for me.
 
At first my take was: we tried it my way (by living out in the middle of nowhere), now it was time to try it Tim’s way (living near friends and community).  We could test it out and see how we’d do with that.   But my heart has changed… I no longer want to try it out.  I think it will be a great next step for us.  I think this is what we need and even brings us as a couple to a next level.  I am getting excited and even anxious… LET’S MOVE!
 
 

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May052014

‘Engageaversary’

‘Engageaversary’ is what a friend of mine calls it.  Anything I can celebrate I will.  Today it is two years ago that Tim asked me to marry him.  He had a friend of ours hiding in the bushes, taking photos as it all took place.  What a fond memory and what a happy time in my life.  Meeting Tim, our season of engagement, planning our wedding and our wedding day are the most dear memories of my life.  Don’t get me wrong… BEING married is wonderful but I especially look back to those days with very happy and warm feelings.  It was certainly my first taste of extreme joy in my life.

I had no clue what was about to happen.  For all I knew, we were loving the park574798_380657398642029_2075144074_n

And then he stopped 536081_380657251975377_1772208458_nAnd talked578973_380655141975588_1034685410_n

And dropped down564889_380657198642049_413205356_n540530_380657131975389_342281863_n577170_380655958642173_773032222_nYes, someone is following us, you really didn’t know?319881_380655721975530_440697732_n

548469_380648271976275_569377310_n383431_380651501975952_906810814_n538802_380637915310644_774393654_nCalling home and loved ones380352_380653368642432_213559916_n536419_380639295310506_2049969672_n
Party afterwards536393_380641818643587_1632686518_n301826_380640651977037_1294905292_n 301838_380640058643763_1009728546_n 581099_380640781977024_393648436_n The party continues
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And we partied until the next day even
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Apr072014

Embracing Pain

Maddy in Kindergarten.

I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life.  I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected.  And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep.  It feels like a slice into my heart every single time.  I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me.  I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel.  And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me.  I have a God who is truly saying I am enough.  God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom.  It’s my desire to be healthy.  I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me.  But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is.  I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life.  In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship.  Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.  It is a very painful thing.  I am all for family.  In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us.  But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is.  And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me.  But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister.  Besides, I really do love her… still.  Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep.  Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it.  I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends.  But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together.  In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch…  But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life.  I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom.  First of all, I want His love to be enough.  I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me.  Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up.  Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this.  It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me.  I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me.  And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts.  This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me.  No need to pretend it’s not there.  I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real.  I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.

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This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

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Apr052014

Another man who deserves to be listened to…

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-885467522Dad called me on Tuesday.  “Hey Maddy, I know you are dropping Tim off tomorrow.  I want you to know you can stay here as long as you’d like. It may be really good for you to be here when Tim is gone for the week.  With everything going on with your oma… maybe you need to stay with us until we know what is happening with her. This is a time you need to be with family.  Oh well… I just needed you to know you are welcome here for as long as you’d like.”

 

It’s a very sweet phone call but in my mind I had decided to drop off Tim, spend a day at mom and dads (sewing with mom) and return home.  It never really dawned on me to stay.  When I arrived in York dad kept mentioning it to me.  Oma’s situation was rapidly changing, me making calls throughout the day to get an update.  I was sewing when all of a sudden dad’s message dawned on me: Here is another man in my life who deserves to be listened to.  It’s only because he repeated his message several times that I woke up to the true meaning.  Dad wanted me here, my family wanted me here, I needed to be with family, I shouldn’t be alone as I wait for oma to pass while my husband is traveling the country for work.

Over the past two years I have been learning to follow my husband’s wise words and his good lead… I should follow his dad’s also.  It’s really a gift men have.  If we led them, they really are good at leading us so very well.  I went to having no men in my life to having two.

So I listened and I stayed, I am still here as a matter of fact and it is a very warm bath.  This bed of love I have just not grown up with.  In my mind I had no reason to stay.  In my mind I could not grasp what it would be like to stay, that it would be all about love.  It’s not that mom and dad are doing very special things now that I am here, it’s who they are that makes the difference.  They show me what family is like, you’re just together (especially when there are emotional things to deal with like waiting on your oma passing), you sew with your mom, you cook dinner together, you spend your time on the couch at night, there’s chat throughout the day… see, I guess nothing out of the ordinary.  But when people love well, you don’t need extra ordinary.  It’s just who they are!

And I can’t explain the following very well but I know my Heavenly Father is multiplying this love.  Through mom and dad’s love I feel His love going very deep.  It is very sweet, strong and solid.  I know people are praying for me, knowing it’s a little hard for me not to be home right now.  All that together causes me to be surrounded with powerful love.

 

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Apr042014

Dancing in Heaven

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-8601How sad can one really be when someone turned 89.  When, up to a year and a half ago, this someone was still traveling the world, riding her bike to the beach and still lived independently. And yet oma’s passing yesterday is still sad.  Our family isn’t the same without her. She was our bonding factor.  Our family gets together when oma calls us together.  It’s the one thing she always mentioned to me: “Will you still come together as a family when I am gone?”

On Monday I got the news that oma was in her last days, perhaps week.  I wrote her a card right away, wondering if it would get to Holland on time.  It didn’t.  I still want to say these words out loud…

Dear oma,
This could be my last card to you.  This morning I heard you are going down hill.  The end on earth is in sight.  Dear oma, I do hope that it may go fast from here on, without suffering but surrounded by you children.
And yes oma, we call this ‘going down hill’ but in my opinion it can only get better.  Leaving life and the people might be hard, but soon you will have a new life, in a new body, without the suffering of this world.  You have known suffering in this life time with the loss of your baby, you lost both opa and the 2nd man in your life, and let’s not forget about the suffering your children and grandchildren had to endure from time to time, you’ve suffered with them.  Soon you will have forgotten that, very soon you will go to a beautiful place where there is rest, beauty and peace.  That is what I hope for you.  Know that Tim and I think of you constantly these days. Our heart is with with your heart.
And oma… I will never forget what kind of oma you were.  One who’s often very naughty:  washing the dishes but hiding the dishes throughout the house: forks in the planter, plates like books on the book shelf and pots and pans in the yard.  I also loved the fact that as a child I was allowed to dump my food on your plate, if only dad or mom, or mostly opa wouldn’t catch us.  And hmmm, will I mentioned it?  The times where you felt that the utensils we ate with at the restaurant were included in the price 😉 .
In short… omas are there to have fun with, to do naughty things with and to know no rules.  Here in the States they often find me exuberant and crazy at times.  I think I have some of that from you and I don’t mind that one bit.
Lieve oma, the family will not be the same without you… thank you for everything you have given me. You will be well oma, very well.  Until we meet again…
Much love, Tim and Maddy
 
 

Most of you do not know my oma.  I don’t need words to describe her because the photos of our wedding will tell it all.  Let me tell you that oma was the first one on our dance floor and the last one to get off.  Yes, she was almost 88 on the day of our wedding and people were stunned.  Oma was a party girl, knowing no limits.

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I am thinking oma is dancing in Heaven right now!

PHOTO CREDIT: JEFF WOJTASZEK

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