Faith

Jun032014

This is exactly what I feared

It was hard getting home. Tim and I had such a good month away that I was sad to go home, and once home I was even sad to be home. I needed time to adjust.

It was interesting to see that in Burkina none of our concerns from home mattered. There are certain things we’ve been focusing on lately, even to the point it consumed me. When away the past month we spoke about all those things and how it all seemed irrelevant in light of what we were doing in Burkina. How would we respond when we got back? Would we just be consumed over those ‘things’ again? It’s certainly not what we wanted.

I don’t want to be consumed by anything but with the matters of the Lord. I have written before about heart’s desires going unanswered. In Burkina it didn’t matter. Tim and I have been consumed by wanting to move. We live too far from community and church and it is bothering us, it aches. In Burkina it didn’t matter. I desired to go home with a new passion… focusing on the things that truly matter and on things that are way more important than my ‘things’.

And yet, what I feared is happening. I am getting consumed by the things here. The old things pop back up and seem to matter. And it saddens me. There are better things to be consumed by, like focusing on making this world a better place, wherever, however, but that has got to be my focus. I have lived a past and God has used it to write a story of redemption through my life. Sharing that has got to matter. Seeing need all around me, that has got to matter.

The first morning home I couldn’t wait to sit down with God and just be. He showed up as such a loving Father. Guess what He told me? He told me that ‘my things’ matter to Him! The things I get consumed by are obviously important to me, and so they are important to Him. That was a beautiful first awaking.

God said something else, something He’s been saying to me before. He said: “Don’t pray, let me do!” Sounds familiar? He said: “Don’t worry about being back, don’t fear it. Don’t think about moving, about ministry, about what you will do. Just let me be! BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”

I desire to live a life of sacrifice. I do pray, but I try not to be consumed. I try to pray and just see what happens next. My prayer sounds like this: “God, open my eyes to what You want me to see.” I can desire many things, but I cannot make anything happen. I want to acknowledge where God is at work, and I desire to join Him. How, where… only God can work out those details. It is not good to be consumed. It is best to be still and know that God is God.

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

Apr302014

How I got my name…

I decided to write up a post here and there and schedule it for when I am away. There is a lot about me you don’t know yet, I’d like to share… The stories of my life are those of redemption. Yes, there was much pain but nothing ends there. ‘Listen’ to this…

At the beginning of my life I grew up with my dad, mom and two sisters. I was the middle child. Our home wasn’t save, it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t warm and it wasn’t fun. Let me address just one topic here and let me do it very briefly (there will be lots to read but believe me, it IS still very brief). Maybe in the future I’ll share the ins and outs but for now, that is not what this post is about.

I was sexually abused by my father, from an early age on. When I was walking around in diapers there were people around listening to my dad talk about all that he loved to do with me (I heard of this reality much later). Of course I never shared any of what was happening with people who could do anything about it, so the abuse continued. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old and unfortunately it had nothing to do with the incest, so the abuse continued. I lived with my mom and sisters. I felt alone, I was always sad, and I felt I had to vent for myself, I didn’t feel loved. This is not to say that mom didn’t love me… our family was severely hurt, everyone dealt with it in her own way causing our family to be dysfunctional and broken. Around this time one of my sisters decided she no longer wanted to carry my dad’s name, she went through the whole legal system and had her name officially changed to my mom’s maiden name. I always thought about this but I just had no desire to do the same. For me, I knew I couldn’t wipe out my past, not even with something as drastic as changing my name. My dad is always going to be a part of my life whether I like it or not. He would come up in therapy, he would come up in my nightmares and changing my name wasn’t going to change that. It had no value to me. I left our home when I was around 18. And looking back this is where I feel blessed, I knew I needed to deal with my life. I knew I needed help and I knew I wanted to heal. My first attempt at counseling was at that age. ‘Funny’ enough I was placed in group therapy with a bunch of girls AND a bunch of boys. Of course I wasn’t going to speak about sex and what happened to me in that group. My therapy really started when I was 22 years old and lived in the States. I think I was far enough from home, I felt safe enough to open up the can of worms and I wanted it all out. I wanted my heart and body clean, I was ready to cry the tears that needed to be shed. I was ready to let out this deep painful darkness in me. I sought out creative therapy and I long journey started. Years and years of therapy followed. Somewhere in the middle of this process I met God and an entire book could be written about what happened when He came in the picture. Soon after I became a Christian God directed me back to Holland. That was something I didn’t expect and I certainly didn’t understand it. But I was so in love with Jesus that I could do nothing but trust and obey.

If only we could always look ahead and understand… because looking back it’s clear God had a plan and He was faithful throughout His plan. Being in Holland caused me to hurt all over. The memories, the pain, the places… but I knew I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted to go all the way. I wanted to confront every little detail I could, knowing God would see me through it. And so I went back to my childhood home, back into my childhood bedroom with the same light fixtures, the same shades and boy was it hard to be there. I cried. And then I took a deep breath for I realized I had overcome, I had survived, and God is faithful. In no way would my dad have the last say in this… He intended to harm, to destroy, to kill but he didn’t have the power to do so. I only realized those things by going back to those painful places. I walked out of that bedroom, closing behind me that door very consciously as to say… “I am alive! This is no longer! I am new! I have life and there is always hope. I just have to fight and continue this process of healing and then someday… there will be another side. I will reach the other side.”

My story of healing continues and writing it out here and now makes it sounds easy but I can tell you… if you read this and you are hurting yourself: choosing the path of healing is the most difficult path you can choose. However, it is the best path! God promises new life. Darkness will never win over light. Just think of it this way… think of yourself in a dark room. There are no windows, there are no lights. It’s just you and it is black. All of a sudden a candle is lit. What happens? There is no more darkness. The room is lit whether the darkness wants it or not. And that happened to me. In a long hard process, darkness made room for the light, or better said: the light makes the darkness disappear. It is truly possible. If you are a Christian you know it is Jesus who has the power to truly heal. It doesn’t happen overnight, it isn’t without pain. For me it took years and years of commitment, all different kinds of therapy, being in hell, breakdowns, living with others because I could no longer take care of myself. It was HARD.

And here it comes. Somewhere in there I started to think about changing my name. I realized I had done everything I could to heal. I had worked hard. There are times where you get to take a break and you rest and surrender and wonder if more will come at some point. But in that rest I really felt a pressure in my heart to change my name for I realized I wasn’t changing my name to wipe out my past. I wasn’t changing my name to pretend I am a different person, I am still and always will be my father’s child. But I am also now my Father’s child. Another, better Father, came into the picture and He wanted to change my name. I looked into it and it promised to be a long and expensive road with lots of rules. I hired a lawyer and together we worked for two years to get my name officially changed. I never contemplated changing my name to my mom’s name so the law in Holland predicted some things: 1. I wasn’t allowed to take a name that already excited in Holland for I wasn’t allowed to add myself to a family. This was sad because I had been living with a family who had taken me in and cared for me. I wanted their name. That one was out. 2. I had to take a name that was pronounceable in Dutch. A lot of people will make up names, ridiculous names if you ask me. My lawyer showed me examples of people just putting a whole bunch of flower names in a row and choosing that. Yeah, right… not for me. My first thought right away was Hope but I quickly dismissed it. Months of searching followed. At some point I found my way to the OM directly and every time I had a name I’d contact them and they’d tell me if the name existed or not. It was a trying process. How in the world does one choose a new last name that was obviously going to have so much meaning? I stumbled upon Abiel. I loved it’s meaning. Normally your name comes from your father and Abiel means: God is my Father. Unfortunately there were many “Abiels’ in Holland. I decided to get help from people I really had high. I contacted my pastor in Holland, my pastor in the States and two really good friends. I asked them what they thought would be a good name for me. They all came back with the same name: Hope. Then I called the OM about this name, before I could say anything, the person I always connected with said: “Now Maddy, I have seen your list. I don’t know why you wouldn’t just choose the name at the top of your list, Hope.” With all that, I knew I was to choose Hope. The OM did laugh a bit. After all Hope isn’t a Dutch word, but you can pronounce it in Dutch. I always wanted to pick an American (English) sounding name. I felt my good life really started in the States, that is where I was made new. It counted as a birth to me, I didn’t want a Dutch name. And so, because it was pronounceable in Dutch he gave it to me. After the choosing it took still about two years for it to become final. Did you know our queen has to sign off on it? I actually have our queens signature, pretty cool right?

The story doesn’t end here. Because in that two year of waiting I had a breakdown and I was back in therapy. More layers, more pain. And I was tired, tired of my life, tired of fighting. I simply didn’t want my life anymore if it meant always dealing with my past. And in that time, around the day of my actual birthday, came in the letter from the queen: my name was official! My response might surprise you because, I was angry, I cried, I screamed. I threw the letter across the table. I had no hope. I was hurting so much and awfully tired of life, I wasn’t worthy of the name Hope. I had no hope! But the name was official and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. The dear family I lived with at the time coached me through it and after some days I started to realize the true meaning of my new name. I didn’t have to FEEL hope, I had to HAVE hope. Hope in hopeless times is a gift from God. It is supernatural, and what I have recently learned, it is learned over time. The more you hang on to hope while in pain, the more you actually have hope and assurance.

As you can tell, healing continues and as a matter of fact, I had a lot of darkness a few weeks back. But as I cried and screamed it out… there was this Hope present. As I cried and screamed I knew God was doing a good thing. And that is what I hang onto, nothing has to end in pain… there is always the other side!

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Apr162014

No matter how bad, God always lets good come out of bad

Last week was a painful week for me, for more reason than one. But when I look at the two pains, I see that out of both pains came good.

When my oma was not doing well and the end was near, with Tim being out of town, dad invited me to stay with them. “They were my family now too and I shouldn’t be alone” he told me. That was good out of bad. I had never experienced family like the way I was experiencing it that week. When I had that emotional morning and was hurting over my sister rejecting me, I ended up sitting down with mom (MIL) and we had a long chat about my hurts, and life in general. It was the first time we sat down like that, just the two of us for an hour of uninterrupted time, sharing back and forth. I realize we are still getting to know one another and this was a very precious time that we closed with praying together. What a blessing! Again, good came out of bad.

Then this morning I realized it was the same with Jesus’ death. Out of the horrible death on the cross came good. And so I look to that and it’s healing for my soul. Out of every bad, no matter how bad, God always lets good come out.

I remember going through counseling, dealing with my past of sexual abuse, people were always quick to say: “God will turn this into good, it will not be for nothing.” I H A T E D when people said that. For one, I was in the middle of deep deep suffering, do you really think this is a message I want to hear right now? If I could trade my life with someone who’s life wasn’t filled with that pain, I would trade it. I would rather have a life that was easy and good without all the lessons than my life filled with abuse, pain and abandonment that somehow I would learn from and that at some point would turn into a blessing for others. Forget the “God will turn into good”.

But looking at last week, in the midst of all of it… good came out of the bad. God took care of it. He took care of me. I am still looking to see where my past of sexual abuse will turn into good. Other than a documentary was made about my life years ago and that was a testimony. I was on TV plenty of times sharing my story, counseling people and sharing the lessons I had learned. And I simply sat (sit) with people in church during ministry time. Some of it seems far away today though. I hope it will somehow get more meaning in the now and future too. That is up to God. My heart is willing. But knowing that my life isn’t different from Jesus’ is a bandaid on my heart, it’s encouragement for my future. His bad turned into good, my bad will turn into good, your bad WILL turn into good.

So in my opinion it’s better to let the bad be there, work VERY hard to heal and give it a place in your heart, even though you’d rather have something more beautiful in there. And one day you will wake up and see that God has done good in it.

God bless our hurting hearts. And bless God for His ‘system’ where He lets good come out of bad, always!

What bad did God turn into good in your life?

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Apr072014

Embracing Pain

I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life. I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected. And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep. It feels like a slice into my heart every single time. I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel. And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me. I have a God who is truly saying I am enough. God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom. It’s my desire to be healthy. I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me. But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is. I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life. In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship. Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is a very painful thing. I am all for family. In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us. But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is. And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me. But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister. Besides, I really do love her… still. Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep. Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it. I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends. But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together. In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch… But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life. I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom. First of all, I want His love to be enough. I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me. Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up. Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this. It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me. I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me. And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts. This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me. No need to pretend it’s not there. I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real. I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

I love that you are here, and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Mar122014

Lies

We all know it… the lies we tell ourselves. And at the moment I am going through a bad case of it. Lately I have been very aware when I’d tell myself negative things. I just kept witnessing it… till Thursday. I was out on a walk and said to myself: “Maddy, this is not normal anymore. This is unhealthy. This is wrong and this is not what God would ever tell you. He created you and thinks beautiful and amazing things about you.” And it wasn’t till Friday, when I met with my Spiritual Director again, that I realized I actually have to take action.

I hear lies all day long, in all situations, with all different kinds of people. It is ongoing throughout the day. I remember my therapist years ago tell me that they are not just lies in my head… I am telling myself those things! And so it is up to me to battle this, a battle I don’t have to face alone. Thank God!

I can be hanging out with dear friends and tell myself I do not compare. When people around me have intellectual conversations, I tell myself I am dumb and can’t entertain the conversation. My camera has been living more in the camera bag than in my hands because I tell myself I am really bad at taking photos. When friends do not call me it is a confirmation that I really do not matter. When I set a much needed boundary for myself I tell myself I am a selfish person. When I get excited I tell myself I am too loud, too present and no one likes that about me. I constantly tell myself I am not a good wife, I don’t love my husband well and life for him is harder with me in it. I can go on and on. It’s bad!

This is not an easy thing to battle, it’s also not done overnight. I have battled those things previously in my life and I am sad they are back. One thing I know, the enemy has a grip on me.

God was good last week as I tried to sit with Him and have a sweet time. He said some things:

“ MaddyChristine, I have given you worth. See, it’s that simple, you have worth because I created you. You have worth because I created you in a very specific way. When I look at you, I am filled with joy. I delight in you and I rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). I love you as you are. Before I formed you, I knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). I wove you in your mother’s womb, you are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14). My works are wonderful Maddy.

I still know the plans I have for you, I still have the same plans I told you about years ago. I plan to prosper you, not to harm you. I still give you a Future and a Hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I laid down my life for YOU (1 John 3:16-17). And to remind you, you are saved by grace. I didn’t save you because you have done righteous things (Titus 3:5) This is not your own doing, it is My gift (Ephesians 2:8). And that gift gives you worth. Know love Maddy, embrace that.

You are My chosen one: holy and beloved. Have compassion on your self. Be kind to yourself, speak kind words. Be very gently and be patient with yourself as you struggle, as you learn, as you grown (Colossians 3:12-14). Remember… think about things that are true, right, honorable, just, pure, lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8-9). You are Mine forever and you are My Valuable possession.”

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Jan162013

The Word

Last year I read some blogs where some people had a word for the year. They would pray about the word God had for them at the beginning of the new year. A word to live out, a word that held promise, a word God had for them personally. I thought that was pretty cool and I wanted a word. Right away I sensed that God had the word JOY for me. My life had been pretty tough up to that point and I didn’t really know what to do with that word. So I just accepted the word, and even though very foreign, it held promise for me. Little did I know….

36 days later I met Tim and I knew God was doing a new thing. 2012 turned out to be all about joy. Joy I had never known. It was fulfillment. Dating a true gentleman– someone who was just so very sure of me, someone caring and strong. An engagement that was very sweet and exciting. Planning our wedding was a super joyful experience for me. And the outpouring of love from friends was a gift that touched the depths of my heart. To witness true friends being extremely excited about this event in my life was such a joy. So many people happy for me!! So much joy!

With 2013 coming into view, I started to think about the ‘word for the year’ concept and I wondered if God had a word for me for 2013. Right away LISTEN came to mind. I knew what God meant by it, and I really wanted a different word. I didn’t like this word. But I know God has something in store with this word. So as 2013 unfolds I am embracing this new word and wonder how it will impact me this year. How LISTENING will impact me!

Something happened to me in December, during my morning prayer walk on our property. As soon as I got out of the house God told me to just walk and not talk. I love my morning prayer time. I love to intercede and pray for friends, and especially my husband. I see it as my job to pray for him, and I love it! And for God to tell me to just walk and not talk was really hard. A few weeks before, God pointed out that He wanted to love on ME as I walked. That concept is sometimes really hard. I grew up in a broken family and love is hard to come by in such circumstances. I learned to earn love. So to be quiet and not earn God’s love is hard.

It makes sense that God would give me the word LISTEN. I think He is doing a new thing again. There is growth to gain. To learn to ‘just be, and listen’ will not be easy, but nevertheless I am looking forward to this year because maybe I will learn more about the gift of listening.