Brokenness

Last week was a painful week for me, for more reason than one. But when I look at the two pains, I see that out of both pains came good.

When my oma was not doing well and the end was near, with Tim being out of town, dad invited me to stay with them. “They were my family now too and I shouldn’t be alone” he told me. That was good out of bad. I had never experienced family like the way I was experiencing it that week. When I had that emotional morning and was hurting over my sister rejecting me, I ended up sitting down with mom (MIL) and we had a long chat about my hurts, and life in general. It was the first time we sat down like that, just the two of us for an hour of uninterrupted time, sharing back and forth. I realize we are still getting to know one another and this was a very precious time that we closed with praying together. What a blessing! Again, good came out of bad.

Then this morning I realized it was the same with Jesus’ death. Out of the horrible death on the cross came good. And so I look to that and it’s healing for my soul. Out of every bad, no matter how bad, God always lets good come out.

I remember going through counseling, dealing with my past of sexual abuse, people were always quick to say: “God will turn this into good, it will not be for nothing.” I H A T E D when people said that. For one, I was in the middle of deep deep suffering, do you really think this is a message I want to hear right now? If I could trade my life with someone who’s life wasn’t filled with that pain, I would trade it. I would rather have a life that was easy and good without all the lessons than my life filled with abuse, pain and abandonment that somehow I would learn from and that at some point would turn into a blessing for others. Forget the “God will turn into good”.

But looking at last week, in the midst of all of it… good came out of the bad. God took care of it. He took care of me. I am still looking to see where my past of sexual abuse will turn into good. Other than a documentary was made about my life years ago and that was a testimony. I was on TV plenty of times sharing my story, counseling people and sharing the lessons I had learned. And I simply sat (sit) with people in church during ministry time. Some of it seems far away today though. I hope it will somehow get more meaning in the now and future too. That is up to God. My heart is willing. But knowing that my life isn’t different from Jesus’ is a bandaid on my heart, it’s encouragement for my future. His bad turned into good, my bad will turn into good, your bad WILL turn into good.

So in my opinion it’s better to let the bad be there, work VERY hard to heal and give it a place in your heart, even though you’d rather have something more beautiful in there. And one day you will wake up and see that God has done good in it.

God bless our hurting hearts. And bless God for His ‘system’ where He lets good come out of bad, always!

What bad did God turn into good in your life?

This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart. To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE!

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I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life. I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected. And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep. It feels like a slice into my heart every single time. I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel. And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me. I have a God who is truly saying I am enough. God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom. It’s my desire to be healthy. I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me. But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is. I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life. In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship. Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is a very painful thing. I am all for family. In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us. But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is. And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me. But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister. Besides, I really do love her… still. Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep. Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it. I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends. But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together. In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch… But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life. I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom. First of all, I want His love to be enough. I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me. Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up. Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this. It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me. I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me. And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts. This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me. No need to pretend it’s not there. I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real. I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.