Personal Process

Apr052014

Another man who deserves to be listened to…

Dad called me on Tuesday. “Hey Maddy, I know you are dropping Tim off tomorrow. I want you to know you can stay here as long as you’d like. It may be really good for you to be here when Tim is gone for the week. With everything going on with your oma… maybe you need to stay with us until we know what is happening with her. This is a time you need to be with family. Oh well… I just needed you to know you are welcome here for as long as you’d like.”

It’s a very sweet phone call but in my mind I had decided to drop off Tim, spend a day at mom and dads (sewing with mom) and return home. It never really dawned on me to stay. When I arrived in York dad kept mentioning it to me. Oma’s situation was rapidly changing, me making calls throughout the day to get an update. I was sewing when all of a sudden dad’s message dawned on me: Here is another man in my life who deserves to be listened to. It’s only because he repeated his message several times that I woke up to the true meaning. Dad wanted me here, my family wanted me here, I needed to be with family, I shouldn’t be alone as I wait for oma to pass while my husband is traveling the country for work.

Over the past two years I have been learning to follow my husband’s wise words and his good lead… I should follow his dad’s also. It’s really a gift men have. If we led them, they really are good at leading us so very well. I went to having no men in my life to having two.

So I listened and I stayed, I am still here as a matter of fact and it is a very warm bath. This bed of love I have just not grown up with. In my mind I had no reason to stay. In my mind I could not grasp what it would be like to stay, that it would be all about love. It’s not that mom and dad are doing very special things now that I am here, it’s who they are that makes the difference. They show me what family is like, you’re just together (especially when there are emotional things to deal with like waiting on your oma passing), you sew with your mom, you cook dinner together, you spend your time on the couch at night, there’s chat throughout the day… see, I guess nothing out of the ordinary. But when people love well, you don’t need extra ordinary. It’s just who they are!

And I can’t explain the following very well but I know my Heavenly Father is multiplying this love. Through mom and dad’s love I feel His love going very deep. It is very sweet, strong and solid. I know people are praying for me, knowing it’s a little hard for me not to be home right now. All that together causes me to be surrounded with powerful love.

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Mar312014

The Differences

Last week I was corresponding with someone from my church in Holland. An American that is. I was drawn to her because we both went through moving across the ocean. Accept, she (an American) married a Dutchy and immigrated to Holland. I (a Dutchy) married an American and immigrated to the States. My motivation to write was the fact that I am in Holland soon and I wanted to bring her some American goodies, goodies I am sure she is missing just like I am missing Dutch goodies. It was so nice to connect with someone who understands! Erin understands that there is a big difference between Holland and the States. She understands that building new friendships takes effort and patience because we are no longer in college when that was pretty much a smooth ride. She understands that humor is the first thing that goes out the door when moving to a different country.

Don’t get me wrong. I think my transition to the States was an easy one. Very smooth. I was happy to move!!!! There are just some things that happen when you make a big move like that, there will be things to miss like typical holidays, family and friends, products and cultural normalities.

God was so good when He gave me the desires of my heart, not only in marriage but also with me living in the States again. God was so faithful and good in the details too. 10 minutes west of me I have my best friend Melissa, 10 minutes east of me I have my best friend Sharron. I am blessed and my start wasn’t as raw as Erin’s for sure. She moved to a country she had probably never visited before. Dutch is a very difficult language to learn while English is a wide spread language that has overtaken the Dutch TV channels and even the Dutch language is infiltrated by English words. So I reckon my move across the ocean was a bit easier for me than it was for Erin.

And still… there are things I miss. I didn’t realize something till last October. I was in Holland for a brief visit and me and mom were getting together with family friends. I grew up with this family and I was as much their child as my moms 😉 . First of all, we went into this bar type place, kind of like a brown cafe in a historical building and we spent time ‘ borrelen ‘. Now there you have a miss. In Holland there’s this things called ‘ borrelen ‘ and nothing in the States is like it. You just sit in one place for hours and talk and laugh. No one grabs your empty plate when you are done, you are not rushed out of the door. You can take the table for as long as you’d like without people eyeing you out. And you order these typical Dutch snacks, thus the name ‘ borrelen ‘. We were having so much fun and we were laughing… and very specifically, they were laughing because of me. And all of a sudden I realized that these people get me. These people get me like no one (accept Tim) in the States gets me. We share the same humor. Described by Tim as dry, quirky, a little cynical at times and over the top.

Just this weekend Tim and I had a bunch of friends over. The main goal of the weekend was to have a fun sleepover and playing a game called ‘ Cards against humanity’. When I read about this game I knew right away this wasn’t a game for me. Although I am pretty fluent in English, I am just not good at word games. There’s still too much I don’t get. And my humor is so different, I simply don’t get American humor. And to be the center of attention while finishing sentences and it needing to be fun… I was just nervous and insecure. Erin was describing how she cracks joke after joke in Holland but people are just not realizing how funny she really is 😉 .

Another conflict I run into is that I am your typical Dutch: loud, don’t beat around the bush kind of person, what I think is what I say. I sometimes see some shocked faces when conversing with people. They think I am rude 😉 . So it takes some getting used to, namely for the people 😉 . I wonder if I should work real hard to change, on the other hand this is so who I am. So, good friends are getting used to me and new people I kind of warn up front.

History… I miss having history with people. I have friends that have people around them who they’ve known for years, they share a history. I don’t really share history with people, I am building history. So at times I can feel left out, especially when there is talk about the good old days. When hanging out in October I just loved that these dear friends knew me so well. Even in giving advice… there’s a certain wisdom that comes from history.

Other differences, challenges and opportunities:

~ Adjusting recipes because I can’t find ‘my’ ingredients.

~ Food is SO expensive here. That is hard to get over.

~ I miss the easiness of being able to buy a good fresh bread at he bakery. Bakeries are rare and when I find one I am just not willing to spend $ 6 – $ 10 on a bread. Now I just make my own bread.

~ Our licorice that is not the same as your red licorice. True licorice doesn’t come in red, trust me.

~ Americans dye flowers, that is CRAZY to me. Please let flowers just be flowers.

~ I miss riding my bike everywhere. Where we live it is very hilly. I went to get milk by bike once… not a success… For one, my husband made me wear a helmet and two, when I wasn’t home after an hour and a half he got worried. It wasn’t a quick errand like in Holland, the hill was tougher than I thought it would be 😉 .

~ I always loved everything being so big here. In Holland, while missing the States, I filled my kitchen with big American mugs and all. But now here I miss ‘schoteltjes’ (VERY small desert plates) for a piece of cake. You eat desert or cake off a regular plate, really?

These are just little facts of what happens to a person when she moves into a different culture. I am not complaining. Let me say again, the ‘ love’s ‘ out way the ‘ misses ‘ big time:

~ Tim!!!!

~ An American husband who leads his wife so very well. In Holland we tend to not focus on the roles between husband and wives, and precisely the leading role the husband can carry out so well.

~ An American husband who takes providing for his family very seriously.

~ My new life in being married.

~ I married into a believing family!

~ I love church in America.

~ The space everywhere.

~ The weather. Even in the winter the sun shines daily.

~ Snow in the winter.

~ Being able to exercise outside all the time.

~ The gym only costs 7 dollars a month, unlimited excess.

~ Starbucks.

~ The coffee flavors.

~ Coffee to go.

~ Bank Drive Through.

~ Bed Bath and Beyond.

~ Bath and Body works.

~ Chocolate chips.

~ Stores are open 24/7.

~ The whole 24/7 concept is pretty cool.

~ Flavors and scents in everything (I love the lotions here).

~ Having an accountability partner. It is hard to find in Holland, people are not used to ‘systems’ like this.

~ Amazing and big fabric stores.

~ Very cute coffee shops (and coffee shop actually means COFFEE shop).

~ Growing in creativity and self sufficiency. Ok, so I can’t find my Dutch All Spice here. Well… why don’t I make my own spice then. I get more creative all the time and figure out how to make things myself.

Did you ever experience moving into a different culture? What were your ‘ loves ‘ and ‘ misses ‘ ?

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Mar122014

Lies

We all know it… the lies we tell ourselves. And at the moment I am going through a bad case of it. Lately I have been very aware when I’d tell myself negative things. I just kept witnessing it… till Thursday. I was out on a walk and said to myself: “Maddy, this is not normal anymore. This is unhealthy. This is wrong and this is not what God would ever tell you. He created you and thinks beautiful and amazing things about you.” And it wasn’t till Friday, when I met with my Spiritual Director again, that I realized I actually have to take action.

I hear lies all day long, in all situations, with all different kinds of people. It is ongoing throughout the day. I remember my therapist years ago tell me that they are not just lies in my head… I am telling myself those things! And so it is up to me to battle this, a battle I don’t have to face alone. Thank God!

I can be hanging out with dear friends and tell myself I do not compare. When people around me have intellectual conversations, I tell myself I am dumb and can’t entertain the conversation. My camera has been living more in the camera bag than in my hands because I tell myself I am really bad at taking photos. When friends do not call me it is a confirmation that I really do not matter. When I set a much needed boundary for myself I tell myself I am a selfish person. When I get excited I tell myself I am too loud, too present and no one likes that about me. I constantly tell myself I am not a good wife, I don’t love my husband well and life for him is harder with me in it. I can go on and on. It’s bad!

This is not an easy thing to battle, it’s also not done overnight. I have battled those things previously in my life and I am sad they are back. One thing I know, the enemy has a grip on me.

God was good last week as I tried to sit with Him and have a sweet time. He said some things:

“ MaddyChristine, I have given you worth. See, it’s that simple, you have worth because I created you. You have worth because I created you in a very specific way. When I look at you, I am filled with joy. I delight in you and I rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). I love you as you are. Before I formed you, I knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). I wove you in your mother’s womb, you are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14). My works are wonderful Maddy.

I still know the plans I have for you, I still have the same plans I told you about years ago. I plan to prosper you, not to harm you. I still give you a Future and a Hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I laid down my life for YOU (1 John 3:16-17). And to remind you, you are saved by grace. I didn’t save you because you have done righteous things (Titus 3:5) This is not your own doing, it is My gift (Ephesians 2:8). And that gift gives you worth. Know love Maddy, embrace that.

You are My chosen one: holy and beloved. Have compassion on your self. Be kind to yourself, speak kind words. Be very gently and be patient with yourself as you struggle, as you learn, as you grown (Colossians 3:12-14). Remember… think about things that are true, right, honorable, just, pure, lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8-9). You are Mine forever and you are My Valuable possession.”

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!

Mar072014

Being a woman

I tell my friends that a few months ago, I became a woman. It’s a funny story really…

I have my reasons… but I never viewed myself as a typical woman. I didn’t want to be a typical woman. I think it’s the sexual abuse in my life that caused me to want to be viewed as strong, independent and definitely not feminine. I always connected better with man than with women. Women could be so difficult. So when Tim called me a ‘typical woman’ during a skype call when we were long distant dating I grabbed a blanket, put it over me and was like: “No, no, no.” I felt so embarrassed. And I was mad. I am not a typical woman! And yet… I knew he was right. And I knew it was time to embrace the fact that really I am a typical woman: a woman who has PMS (badly), who needs a man, who is difficult at times, and who needs girly time with girlfriends.

And just a few months ago I realized I like women things. I like to do things many women like. Read: things that men do not understand, won’t be good at and have no interest in. Sewing!! I picked up sewing!! And I have to be honest, I am a little embarrassed about it. I have to get over this ‘thing’ of not wanting to be womanlike. And so, here I am, spreading the word that really, I am no different than most women, I am one, and I like sowing. I used to view it as boring, I laughed at people who knit and the latest trent crochet, I simply did not understand. But not anymore. I understand now.

My mother in law got me a sewing machine for my birthday this past summer. I jumped for joy even though I had never sat behind one or ever desired to sit behind one. For some reason I was instantly excited. And when I had some empty time coming up in December I knew how to fill that time automatically. I would sew with mom. I knew I wanted to make something very special and since my nieces first birthday was coming up that would be my project: a blanket for Aileena. Mom thought it was a pretty big project as a first project but she let me have it anyways.

I had a blast that day. There is lots to learn (mostly about patience) but I am hooked!! What surprised me is that my mind was empty. I never have an empty mind and this was an awesome find. I can sew and not think about anything!! Wonderful! There are times that I just long to sew, there’s this deep desire. Work schedule is getting in the way for now but soon, very soon… I already have an order for a nursery pillow and matching curtain. I can’t wait…

Thanks to mom who taught me to sew! Who taught me what it is like to be a woman 😉 I am convinced every mother should teach her daughter to sow (and allow her to call in the way hours of the night when she runs into a problem with her sewing machine, again).

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Feb122014

Failure and Grace

When I became a wife I was super excited to finally have someone to take care of. In my single years, living with housemates, they would often say how lucky my husband would be since I loved to take care of people and things. So when I got married I was excited to do laundry, excited to cook meals, excited to keep the home cozy and nice. In that I strive to excel. Because I know it blesses my husband so much when I take care of things. He takes care of the things he said he would take care of, and I’d like to take care of mine. It’s my desire to be a blessing to my husband. Some call it old fashioned. I find true pleasure and satisfaction in it.

Somewhere down the line Tim did have to balance me a bit. I do think I strive for perfect and I have to be careful that doesn’t exhaust me. I cannot be perfect. Trying to be perfect is the wrong striving.

When I started picking up work again Tim challenged me to share some of the chores I considered mine. I disliked that idea. I still wanted to take care of things myself. I still wanted to see them as my job. But I gracefully accepted Tim’s help and we learned a new normal. For one, he started doing groceries and it was a huge relief. But I kept having the feeling that I failed. I was no longer doing what I had in mind I’d do. It was hard for me.

And then last week happened. I had much on my calendar. It’s sometimes overwhelming to work, and deal with my Holland house and other lingering things in Holland, all the while keeping our home organized and still bless the people around us with meals, home made caramel and surprise parties. Somewhere in there I also want to do things that help me relax, like going out on walks, photography or being creative in other ways. So on Monday I messed up. All these things came together and the day just wasn’t long enough. Time got away from me.

I made a point to mention to Tim about dinner plans. He had soccer at night and that means he can’t have a late or heavy dinner. So I may a point to say we’d have a late big lunch. Well, I wasn’t around for lunch time. And I got home late which even compromised dinner which put stress on both of us since we had to leave for soccer. Not a pretty picture. Though Tim isn’t demanding, he was disappointed. Since I made a point to mention the schedule for the day he was counting on me. I felt so bad. Failing the one I love feels horrible. It gets worse. Will you believe that I did the same thing the next day? Well, I totally did. We had another night of soccer, another full day for me and I totally blew it, again. I felt so bad, again. I had totally disregarded Tim and his needs over mine (work, working on a quilt, helping a friend). Me wanting to be perfect causes this all to be a big deal. It was easy for Tim to extend grace, he was quick with it too. But to extend grace to myself is really hard. I felt embarrassed.

Now I know lots of wives will tell me that this happens to them all the time, that this is pretty normal. I believe that, but I don’t want this to be my normal, and lately it becomes pretty normal for me to juggle schedule like this. More than I would like to I am working on laundry in the evenings or weekends, taking away from our time. In the beginning I had set the standard that Tim would not be bothered with or see the home chores. I would want to do my chores during working hours so that Tim would not be faced with any of it. And now in reality I am making the bed late at night, he sometimes has to grab his laundry straight from the dryer. I hate that. That will not be our normal. And as I learn to better handle my schedule I know there are lessons in all this too. First of all, I need to accept that I can’t do it all, all the time. It is wonderful I want to put my husband first. It is wonderful that I long to serve him and do him well. But I will fail. And I will need Tim’s help. And I certainly need his grace. Second, I need to embrace God’s gift. He knew I could never be perfect and He extended grace in all circumstances. Without grace I am nowhere and I need to learn to be full of grace towards myself. Neither Tim, nor God are expecting me to be perfect. Striving to be perfect is the wrong striving for it is by grace I have been saved, through faith – and this is not from myself, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that I can not boast (Ephesians 2:8-9). Without Him I can do nothing. And when I do succeed, He deserves all praise and glory!

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Jan272014

A season with a reason

Do you have that sometimes, that you know God is doing something, you just don’t know what exactly? Well, I am currently in such a time. I am in a season for a reason. I just don’t know the outcome of this season, I don’t know where I am headed.

I have been struggling with some heart’s desires going unanswered. The one thing I desire most is to have peace. But coming to a place of peace when heart’s desires are involved is not easy. I want to be in a place that it doesn’t matter what happens. I want to be in a place where I trust God and I am okay with whatever happens, knowing that whatever the circumstances, God is present, real and faithful.

Praying for my heart’s desire

versus

Getting my heart in such a state that it has no will of it’s own

God is constantly pointing me to Scriptures that invite me to pray and ask. He is showing me that He will listen when I ask Him for anything in line with His will. And if I know He is listening I can also be sure that He will give me what I ask for (1 John 5:14-15). He tells me to keep on asking and I will be given what I ask for. That I need to keep on looking and I will find. I need to keep on knocking and the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7). He reminds me that if sinful people know how to give good gifts, how much more will He, my Heavenly Father, know to give good gifts to me who asks (Matthew 7:11).

So I am praying… but what I desire most is peace. I want to be okay with where I am now, regardless of my heart’s desire. When I pray for my heart’s desire it seems I run the risk of merely focusing on the things I want, getting restless in the process and getting frustrated and hurt. I don’t want to merely focus on what I want.

I have been doing this Bible study called “Experiencing God”. The study is challenging me to have my heart be in a place where it has no will. That is what I want! That is what I am talking about. I want to be in that place where I trust my Father and just be at peace with my circumstances. But… that balance is not an easy one to find and thus the season.

This is a time of waiting. Thanks to my Spiritual Direction Counselor I learned something that was very new to me. The advent. The advent is a time of waiting, expectant waiting, hopeful waiting. I learned that waiting is not something passive, it is very active. And God uses a time of waiting to draw us close. Desire is something very powerful and beautiful. A lack of fulfillment is an invitation. An invitation to open up to what God has for us. A lack of fulfillment is not just pain, it tells me I am alive for I long. This is where spiritual life comes to life. I can celebrate desiring. I can celebrate waiting, and hoping, and expecting.

I am at the place where I realize the outcome is not important, it is the journey. God is doing important things on this journey… in my heart! I can say that I rejoice in this season. Although it is hard at times, really hard even, today is a day where I find my rest in knowing God has reason for this season and I have the opportunity to draw close to Him. In the end, I believe that’s what this is all about: drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, being in relationship with Him that changes me, heals me and grows me.

I love that you are here and I certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE!