Personal Process

May292015

I let go

Today I did something very brave.  And not because I am such a great person.  No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone.  He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.

I was waiting for that phone call.  I was waiting for that sweet word.  I was waiting for love.  But it wasn’t coming.  Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that.  For months I have been tossing over this.  Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job?  How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning?  Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again?  I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.

But there is another option.  I could put pride aside.  I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not.  I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots.  And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone.  He was gentle about it, giving me time.  He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice.  If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move.  I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year.  Nothing can happen if I do not act.  Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting.  Lots of compassion for everything I felt.  It had value.  But today I chose to move away from it.

I can put pride aside.  I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love.                    I CAN… LOVE.  And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved.  I can love this person for who she is not.  It’s not a done deal… but I will learn.  And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.

 

I love that you are here.  And I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                      ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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May102015

I am not so different

Our boy and I… we are not so different.  We had the most precious conversation today about being scared.  Scared of love. I was happy to be able to share a story with him, a story about something that happened just a bit earlier in the day…

Tim and I had discussed mother’s day.  I had wanted to take off all pressure.  Tim gets anxious about any holiday or special day and I didn’t feel our boy needed any pressure about doing anything.  So when I was the first to get up and find a card and flowers I was a little surprised.  Tim was quick to follow me.  “What are you doing here?  You are supposed to be in bed.” “But why, we had said we weren’t doing anything, that is still quite alright with me” I replied.  But Tim insisted: “Just leave the kitchen, just go back to bed.”  I struggled and continued to make myself some tea and make Tim his coffee and our boy would be served with a wonderful caramel vanilla latte.  I realized it was a little silly, here I was spoiling my men on mother’s day, a day my husband now had chosen to spoil me.  I couldn’t let go.  And I didn’t.  I felt the tension about needing to listen to my husband and my own uncomfortable feelings.  See… there are times that it is still really hard for me to be loved.  I was trying to steal away this opportunity from him, just so I could feel comfortable, just so that I could be in control.

Our boy had another hard week and it caused him to apologized for that today.  He said it is hard to control his behavior at times.  He said he knows more and more that he is indeed in the right place but… it scares him and so he wants to get away, and difficult behavior is his way.

I asked him if he wanted to hear a story of that morning, of what I did.  When I was done confessing to him about my morning and my struggles he was quick to answer: “But that is how I feel, that is what I do!”  and for about half an hour we kept sharing back and forth about being scared, about why we are scared and how strange it is we do what we do.  I so know this match was made in heaven.  We are so right for our boy, he is so right for us, I am so right for him.  Not just because of my past, but it certainly is part of God writing this story.  I may be a grown up, but some times I just act like our teenage boy.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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Oct222014

Justice in every way

images-1Tim and I were invited to join the Vineyard Justice Conference in Anaheim last week. What an amazing experience. Our hearts beat for certain things and it came together so well during the conference and the people we met. I am still not sure how these certain things will play out in our life but God is certainly painting a picture.
 
I have written before how we desire to not live for ourselves. How we want to look around and care; with our time, our finances and choices. And as God is painting the how in our life, I was challenged last week.
 
We were given a coach during the conference. Someone we met with each day. Our coach Rose Swetman spoke about having an eye for the personal, the local, and the global needs in God’s Kingdom.
 
3 circlesI think Tim and I have the personal aspect down pretty well. We serve one another first and fore most, before serving anyone or anything else. We have an eye for our neighbor and often reach out, even in the littlest, but oh so important, of ways. We want to be of service to our church community and have started that conversation with our church and beautiful things are unfolding. The global aspect is a clear one to most of the people around us. It is very clear we desire to serve globally and want to have an impact in the lives of people who have little in the developing world.
 
At times I feel I have not enough time to do what I want to do in those areas, so when I was challenged to talk about how we seek to live for others locally, I drew a blank. This is the piece I have been wondering about… am I to serve locally when I am already short on time and doing so much? We still have to work hard to get food on the table as we try to live a life style of service.
 
I am very curious to what picture God is painting with our life. Is He challenging our life style? For if we want to live a life of service and seeing, will the hours in a day really matter? We seek to see and love… and what if all of us cover all three areas: seeing and loving in the personal circle, the local circle and global circle… would God’s painting of the world not look a whole lot different?
 
 
 
I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
 
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Oct032014

5 Minute Friday… New

Writing under pressure… It is very simple, on Thursday evening a word prompt is shared by Kate and on Friday we give ourselves 5 minutes to write.
5 minutes!!  And without a grammar check or editing we post whatever came to our creative minds…
 
This week’s word is NEW…
 
Ready… Set… Go…
 
MaddyChristine Hope Photography-3987.LThis week Jesus met me at the cross, in a new way.  Very unexpectedly.  Sure my Father had been telling me He was doing a new thing.  I was to enter into a new season of healing of which He has been showing me, is going to be different from all other seasons of healing I went through.  It is going to be deeper and it is not by my doing.  My Father has told me to walk and just show up…
 
I went to church Tuesday evening, to show up… Jesus had a plan for me.  I will spare you the details for now but Jesus took me personally to the cross.  
 
When Jesus hung at the cross and seemed to have died, people wanted to be sure.  And so they took a spear and poked it right into his side.  He didn’t budge and they knew He was ‘gone’.  
 
When I was crying out all my wounds on Tuesday: father wounds, rejection wounds, incest wounds, you name it wounds… I finally landed at mother wounds.  I have never really thought about me having mother wounds because wasn’t it my dad who abused me?  And God showed me that I had wounds way before I was ever abused, mother wounds.  At some point I was asked where Jesus was when I was being abused.  And I said: “He just stood there.  He did nothing!” and I sobbed.  My hands were pulled out in front of me by the pastor… would I fill my hands with my mother wounds, with my rejection wounds?  Would I walk to the cross and stick it right into Jesus’ bleeding heart?  Right there, where it belongs.  Right there… that is why Jesus died.  For my wounds, my aches, my hurts.  I am not alone.  He has felt it all.  He knows.  And right there, He shows me He never ‘just stood there and did nothing’.  THIS is what He is doing at the cross.  And I understood.  I felt it.  And I will never look the same at the cross.  Jesus took me to the cross and let me feel it.  My Heavenly Father, although it looked horrible, loved on me in a very sweet way.  
 
STOP!
 
 
I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE ?
 
 
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Oct012014

What I do…

Tim was away last week.  Just a few days.  And in the past I would always tell him how I’d miss him.  But not this time.  This time I noticed how happy I was those days alone.  This time I noticed how great it felt to have the bed to myself.  This time I didn’t miss the hugs at night.  It was a nice alone time.  And it reminded me of my single years.  Deciding about schedule and when to eat was so easy.  I just had me to think about.  And it felt like a little break.
 
But I was also worried.  Tim was worried.  Because I have been pulling back little by little.  No more nakedness in bed.  No hugs.  Not my hand on his leg while in the car.  Not me reaching out to touch him, not even after Tim being away for a few days.  It was all different.
 
And I wake up to what is happening.  The intimacy between Tim and me, as husband and wife, goes very deep and my system is going off.  There are too many memories of hurt.  I want to protect myself.  And the way to do that is to get away, physically and now also emotionally.
 
But this is good.  This is very good!  My systems are reaching the surface and I am aware.  This is not a danger to our marriage… it is a red flag about my wounds.
 
MaddyChristine Hope Photography-2-2And in this new season of healing through Living Waters I reach out to my Heavenly Father.  I experience myself to be little in this.  I am aware that I cannot heal myself and I stick to my Heavenly Father.  I press in, and I wait for healing.  I wait for Him to do His work.  In what way?  I don’t know.  When?  I don’t know.  All I am asked is to keep walking and keep showing up.
 
These days aren’t easy.  We are dealing with trauma.  But I celebrate that we are well.  We both are very committed, we communicate honestly about how this season affects us.  We stay connected and we are one.  Tim loves me so well by being so very patient.  I can tell his commitment.  It may be rough now… but we will write this chapter.  And we will close this chapter.  And write another one…
 
 
I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
 
 
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Sep242014

Peace that surpasses understanding

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-0842.LThe weather is so perfect, I can’t even feel it.  
Your presence so soft, yet strong.
You invite me to just sit with you.  
I don’t think you have anything in particular in mind. There is nothing specific you want to say.
You just invite me to get away from routine, and be…
It’s empty, it’s still, yet there is nothing wrong with this emptyness.
And I surrender.
As I wonder about things, as I am consumed by things, I surrender.
I find rest in You because You have it all.
There are big decisions to be made, there are big things to happen when I do not see anything happening yet,
and I do not need to be anxious.
There is peace and confidence in You.  Peace that surpasses understanding.
 
 
Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY SITUATION, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6~7
 
 
Tim and I have suffered loss the past months.  Where we see marriages fail over this, we carry a peace we are grateful for, but do not comprehend. It is God. We are presented with some big life decisions, decisions that I feel are too big for me to make.  And I let go completely, being not invested in the outcome because it really doesn’t matter, God has it all.  
 
Today I’d like to encourage you to sit with God until you grasp that peace that surpasses all understanding.  I am not kidding when I say Tim and I are dealing with big stuff.  Stuff that has hurt and yet… we ARE VERY WELL.  We can only be well in these overwhelming circumstances because God is God!  So whatever you are dealing with, whatever is on your plate, God invites you to come sit with Him… He can give you peace!!
 
 
I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
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