What I do…

Tim was away last week.  Just a few days.  And in the past I would always tell him how I’d miss him.  But not this time.  This time I noticed how happy I was those days alone.  This time I noticed how great it felt to have the bed to myself.  This time I didn’t miss the hugs at night.  It was a nice alone time.  And it reminded me of my single years.  Deciding about schedule and when to eat was so easy.  I just had me to think about.  And it felt like a little break.
But I was also worried.  Tim was worried.  Because I have been pulling back little by little.  No more nakedness in bed.  No hugs.  Not my hand on his leg while in the car.  Not me reaching out to touch him, not even after Tim being away for a few days.  It was all different.
And I wake up to what is happening.  The intimacy between Tim and me, as husband and wife, goes very deep and my system is going off.  There are too many memories of hurt.  I want to protect myself.  And the way to do that is to get away, physically and now also emotionally.
But this is good.  This is very good!  My systems are reaching the surface and I am aware.  This is not a danger to our marriage… it is a red flag about my wounds.
MaddyChristine Hope Photography-2-2And in this new season of healing through Living Waters I reach out to my Heavenly Father.  I experience myself to be little in this.  I am aware that I cannot heal myself and I stick to my Heavenly Father.  I press in, and I wait for healing.  I wait for Him to do His work.  In what way?  I don’t know.  When?  I don’t know.  All I am asked is to keep walking and keep showing up.
These days aren’t easy.  We are dealing with trauma.  But I celebrate that we are well.  We both are very committed, we communicate honestly about how this season affects us.  We stay connected and we are one.  Tim loves me so well by being so very patient.  I can tell his commitment.  It may be rough now… but we will write this chapter.  And we will close this chapter.  And write another one…
I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !

10 comments on “What I do…

  1. Stephanie

    Thanks for sharing from your heart! I can relate on some levels and your story spoke to me. Reminded me to take it to the Lord and wait on Him. Thank you.

  2. Linda

    To share your brokenness in such a public way is very brave. So many times we want to stuff down the hurt, but it is only when we let it come to the top, that it can be released. Praying for you to be strong through the refining process as he turns your brokenness into pure silver. ‘…I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them…’ Zechariah 13:9 Praying for you sweet Maddy 🙂

  3. Elizabeth

    You are brave and beautiful. And Tim is my hero. You are travelling this path very well, both of you. Keep on keeping on!

    1. MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp

      Elizabeth, thank you for playing such an intricate role in my journey. Thank you for your support, love, example and teaching. I love how our Heavenly Father uses you to love on me.

  4. Christa

    Sooo proud of you!!!! Hugs!


      1. Christa

        ‘Brave’ was also exactly the word that came to my mind!! 🙂 XOX

  5. MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp

    Thank you all for your sweet words. They mean SO MUCH to me. And to call me brave… that is so encouraging… I want to be brave!! Love to you all!

  6. sarahgirl3

    Satan relies on us being unaware. He needs us to have no clue what is happening in our heart and soul until much damage has been done. I am so glad you burst his bubble! To God be the glory!