Sisters – As for me, I will always have Hope

I have never written about this before but I feel I need to, for me!

Rejection is a big reality in my life. I have been rejected, I am rejected, I feel rejected. And this morning I am sitting down with God to find out how to deal with this, for me!

The pain of rejection is so real and it goes so deep. It feels like a slice into my heart every single time. I feel like the ‘black sheep’, I feel like the ‘bad guy’, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I truly feel like I am a bad person.

That is how I feel. And yet, I have a God who wanted me and thus created me. I have a God who is truly saying I am enough. God loves me with such a powerful love and sometimes I can feel that, other times it’s my faith who ledges on to that truth.

And this morning I sit down with God to find wisdom. It’s my desire to be healthy. I know I want to hide this pain, walk away from it, pretend it’s not there, pretend none of this is hitting me. But I know none of that is healthy, neither is it truly possible, we just think it is. I know I need to embrace this pain in my life, it’s part of my life and there is no walking away. Embracing pain, doesn’t that sound strange?

The reality is that my older sister has decided she doesn’t want me in her life. In our family it’s pretty normal to have a traffic light relationship. Sometimes you are in, other times you are out and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is a very painful thing. I am all for family. In my eyes we have suffered so much, it could strengthen us, bind us. But in our case it has always driven us apart and it still is. And a year and a half ago my sister decided for the second time she doesn’t want me. But she is my sister and I want to be loved and wanted by my own big sister. Besides, I really do love her… still. Being rejected by your own blood cuts deep. Lately I was thinking I was dealing with it, I thought I had found my way with it. I look to what I do have: God, the new family I have because of Tim, our friends. But now oma passed away, and that is typically when family gets together. In normal circumstances all of us would be in touch… But in our case it brings up our brokenness and my sisters choice not to want me in her life. I am broken all over.

So I am sitting down with God for wisdom. First of all, I want His love to be enough. I want to feel His love so strongly that it doesn’t matter who wants or doesn’t want me. Second of all, I want help in knowing how to deal with this, to know how to communicate about this and speak up where I need to speak up. Thirdly, how do I give this a place in my life without ‘just’ trying to push it away.

God is meeting me in all this. It is most important I sit in HIS truth about me. I am not outcast, there is nothing wrong with me, this isn’t even about me. And in all my pain and emotions, He wraps His arms around me and comforts. This CAN have a place in my life when His arms are around me. No need to pretend it’s not there. I have learned that when I do pretend something is not there, I die inside, I am not real. I’d rather be real and hurt with His arms around me than walk away from a pain that is just reality.