May292015

I let go

Today I did something very brave.  And not because I am such a great person.  No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone.  He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.

I was waiting for that phone call.  I was waiting for that sweet word.  I was waiting for love.  But it wasn’t coming.  Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that.  For months I have been tossing over this.  Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job?  How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning?  Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again?  I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.

But there is another option.  I could put pride aside.  I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not.  I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots.  And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone.  He was gentle about it, giving me time.  He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice.  If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move.  I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year.  Nothing can happen if I do not act.  Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting.  Lots of compassion for everything I felt.  It had value.  But today I chose to move away from it.

I can put pride aside.  I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love.                    I CAN… LOVE.  And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved.  I can love this person for who she is not.  It’s not a done deal… but I will learn.  And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.

 

I love that you are here.  And I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                      ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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May152015

I just love this

We never had stuff laying around the house… but now I love stumbling upon this constantly.

Soccer ball

 

 

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May102015

I am not so different

Our boy and I… we are not so different.  We had the most precious conversation today about being scared.  Scared of love. I was happy to be able to share a story with him, a story about something that happened just a bit earlier in the day…

Tim and I had discussed mother’s day.  I had wanted to take off all pressure.  Tim gets anxious about any holiday or special day and I didn’t feel our boy needed any pressure about doing anything.  So when I was the first to get up and find a card and flowers I was a little surprised.  Tim was quick to follow me.  “What are you doing here?  You are supposed to be in bed.” “But why, we had said we weren’t doing anything, that is still quite alright with me” I replied.  But Tim insisted: “Just leave the kitchen, just go back to bed.”  I struggled and continued to make myself some tea and make Tim his coffee and our boy would be served with a wonderful caramel vanilla latte.  I realized it was a little silly, here I was spoiling my men on mother’s day, a day my husband now had chosen to spoil me.  I couldn’t let go.  And I didn’t.  I felt the tension about needing to listen to my husband and my own uncomfortable feelings.  See… there are times that it is still really hard for me to be loved.  I was trying to steal away this opportunity from him, just so I could feel comfortable, just so that I could be in control.

Our boy had another hard week and it caused him to apologized for that today.  He said it is hard to control his behavior at times.  He said he knows more and more that he is indeed in the right place but… it scares him and so he wants to get away, and difficult behavior is his way.

I asked him if he wanted to hear a story of that morning, of what I did.  When I was done confessing to him about my morning and my struggles he was quick to answer: “But that is how I feel, that is what I do!”  and for about half an hour we kept sharing back and forth about being scared, about why we are scared and how strange it is we do what we do.  I so know this match was made in heaven.  We are so right for our boy, he is so right for us, I am so right for him.  Not just because of my past, but it certainly is part of God writing this story.  I may be a grown up, but some times I just act like our teenage boy.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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Apr092015

WOW is all I can say

It is really really too bad that we cannot post any pictures because some very precious moments took place in our home last week.  Picture our boy, the one who locks himself in his room for days on end, setting up a little dining table IN A DOORWAY. Tim on the one side of this doorway, working in the office.  Me on the other side of the doorway, working in the kitchen.  And our boy in the middle, eating his food.  It portrays our boy’s heart… That day, and more and more, he just wanted to be close to us.  He was talking, cracking jokes, being a lot of fun, very happy and sitting in the middle of two rooms, in our presence. When we offered to take him to a friend’s house (since it was Spring Break) he replied: “No, thank you.  I just want to be home.”

WOW is all I can say!  Love may be painful, but it is totally worth it.  Love prevails, Love overcomes, Love wins.  What happens in our home is living proof of that.

 

 

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Mar302015

Love hurts…

I received a powerful lesson in love a few weeks back.

For the purpose of winning our boy’s heart we have been challenged to let go some of the things I wanted to control, like food intake or doing home work.  Our boy wants independence, but I know he is not ready to carry certain independence. He doesn’t always know what is best for him, that is why children have parents.  I realize that in ‘normal’ families trust was built over the years and a child, to a degree, will let a parent in because there is this realization that he/she just can’t do it alone. Our boy, because of his history, likes to hold onto his independence.  But I know it is my job to help and give direction: I can explain why not eating is not healthy, why sugar can be bad, why protein is important.  I can also guide doing homework or teach how to study.  But if that help is not necessarily wanted… I need to let go, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel and no matter how big the chance of him ‘messing up’ and falling.

And that is what I have been doing, letting go.  And it is VERY uncomfortable.  So in therapy I asked for some time for me, not our situation, not our boy but ME.  I explained I was very emotional about some things and I was hurting.  I explained that I was uncomfortable with our boy not eating breakfast, or even dinner at times.  I was uncomfortable about the amount of sugar intake, knowing our boy has trouble staying on task in class, to the point of falling asleep.  I was uncomfortable following her lead in letting go.  Our therapist (who is amazing) looked at me with compassion and gentleness: “And this is called love.”  “Excuse me?” I said.  “This is called love Maddy.  This is loving your boy.  You are letting go to the point it hurts you, for the purpose of winning his heart.  And you don’t put your hurt on him, you deal with it, you sit with it, you come here.” I started laughing a bit… I thought our boy smiling was a sign of love.  Our boy being happy would be a sign of love.  Or me feeling good would be a sign of love.  And in this instant I realize pain is a sign of love.

Love hurts.  For now, love hurts.  And it’s not a bad thing.  I realize it is too soon to see the fruits of love, but what I feel is actually a sign that I love.

And I think of Jesus.  Isn’t He our great example of love?  In His love, He was willing to hurt, for the sake of others. What is currently happening in our home is not easy.  It is tough work.  It is painful.  I mentioned before that it is also an honor. I realize I have been called to love like Jesus did (we all are).  And this kind of love I cannot have without Jesus.  This love I cannot express without Jesus.  It is exceptional.  But it can be done.  And it is happening in our home:  a Love that is beyond myself.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Mar282015

Concerns: a vulnerable post

People respond differently to my posts… some love that I write openly about my process and the processes in our home, they say that it is good to get it out there for others to read and be encouraged by.  For another there is this added concern for our boy.

I listen closely to what dear people to my heart share with me.  I know they share concerns because they love me.  And so I stood still and thought about what I share here on line.  Am I saying too much?  Am I sharing things that aren’t mine to share? Am I revealing too much about our boy?

I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case, at least for now.  My heart may shift as I continue to process this but for now I would like to point out, incase others are concerned, that what I share is not necessarily about our boy. The things I write about is what any foster parent goes through, in that sense anything I write about our boy could be taken as ‘a general rule’ of what a child from hard places goes through.  Our boy is no different from any other child from the system.  They have a hard time bonding, it’s normal.  They push away to test, it’s normal.  They ‘act out’ which can’t even be considered acting out because it really is not, it is testing to see if new potential parents will stay.

I share for the purpose of hopefully encouraging others.  I share about my struggles and growth through those struggles. That is my point to writing: to be vulnerable, and showing how I mess up, how I hurt and how I change and grow.  Besides the fact I write for me, it is important for me to process that way. And like I have always done, I will think twice (probably a lot more actually) before I post something, I will always ask myself the question if I share things that are not mine to share because it reveals details about someone other than myself.

We see deep deep good in our boy.  And any hardship I write about says nothing about him.  It says something about where he’s come from.  I don’t need to share any details about that, THAT is not my right.  But where ever he comes from, everyone who sees us knows he isn’t our biological child.  And that fact equals why it is not necessarily easy in our home.  There is a past with any child who is not growing up in his or her original home.  And any hardship I write about also shows how much growing I have to do in parenting a teenager from a hard place.

I hope this is making sense.  And if you were concerned, I hope I took some concern away for you. We have learned quickly we can’t do this alone and being online has helped me many times in my life.  We can just log in and find people ‘like us’.  On the side of my page I share how I do not live for myself but for God.  Writing openly about our struggles is living that out to me.

I thank the person who raised concern.  I love that she is willing to get vulnerable herself and taking a risk with me by sharing. I love you!!  I appreciate you.  And I love who we are in our friendship.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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