Mar122014

Lies

We all know it… the lies we tell ourselves. And at the moment I am going through a bad case of it. Lately I have been very aware when I’d tell myself negative things. I just kept witnessing it… till Thursday. I was out on a walk and said to myself: “Maddy, this is not normal anymore. This is unhealthy. This is wrong and this is not what God would ever tell you. He created you and thinks beautiful and amazing things about you.” And it wasn’t till Friday, when I met with my Spiritual Director again, that I realized I actually have to take action.

I hear lies all day long, in all situations, with all different kinds of people. It is ongoing throughout the day. I remember my therapist years ago tell me that they are not just lies in my head… I am telling myself those things! And so it is up to me to battle this, a battle I don’t have to face alone. Thank God!

I can be hanging out with dear friends and tell myself I do not compare. When people around me have intellectual conversations, I tell myself I am dumb and can’t entertain the conversation. My camera has been living more in the camera bag than in my hands because I tell myself I am really bad at taking photos. When friends do not call me it is a confirmation that I really do not matter. When I set a much needed boundary for myself I tell myself I am a selfish person. When I get excited I tell myself I am too loud, too present and no one likes that about me. I constantly tell myself I am not a good wife, I don’t love my husband well and life for him is harder with me in it. I can go on and on. It’s bad!

This is not an easy thing to battle, it’s also not done overnight. I have battled those things previously in my life and I am sad they are back. One thing I know, the enemy has a grip on me.

God was good last week as I tried to sit with Him and have a sweet time. He said some things:

“ MaddyChristine, I have given you worth. See, it’s that simple, you have worth because I created you. You have worth because I created you in a very specific way. When I look at you, I am filled with joy. I delight in you and I rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). I love you as you are. Before I formed you, I knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). I wove you in your mother’s womb, you are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14). My works are wonderful Maddy.

I still know the plans I have for you, I still have the same plans I told you about years ago. I plan to prosper you, not to harm you. I still give you a Future and a Hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I laid down my life for YOU (1 John 3:16-17). And to remind you, you are saved by grace. I didn’t save you because you have done righteous things (Titus 3:5) This is not your own doing, it is My gift (Ephesians 2:8). And that gift gives you worth. Know love Maddy, embrace that.

You are My chosen one: holy and beloved. Have compassion on your self. Be kind to yourself, speak kind words. Be very gently and be patient with yourself as you struggle, as you learn, as you grown (Colossians 3:12-14). Remember… think about things that are true, right, honorable, just, pure, lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8-9). You are Mine forever and you are My Valuable possession.”

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Mar072014

Being a woman

I tell my friends that a few months ago, I became a woman. It’s a funny story really…

I have my reasons… but I never viewed myself as a typical woman. I didn’t want to be a typical woman. I think it’s the sexual abuse in my life that caused me to want to be viewed as strong, independent and definitely not feminine. I always connected better with man than with women. Women could be so difficult. So when Tim called me a ‘typical woman’ during a skype call when we were long distant dating I grabbed a blanket, put it over me and was like: “No, no, no.” I felt so embarrassed. And I was mad. I am not a typical woman! And yet… I knew he was right. And I knew it was time to embrace the fact that really I am a typical woman: a woman who has PMS (badly), who needs a man, who is difficult at times, and who needs girly time with girlfriends.

And just a few months ago I realized I like women things. I like to do things many women like. Read: things that men do not understand, won’t be good at and have no interest in. Sewing!! I picked up sewing!! And I have to be honest, I am a little embarrassed about it. I have to get over this ‘thing’ of not wanting to be womanlike. And so, here I am, spreading the word that really, I am no different than most women, I am one, and I like sowing. I used to view it as boring, I laughed at people who knit and the latest trent crochet, I simply did not understand. But not anymore. I understand now.

My mother in law got me a sewing machine for my birthday this past summer. I jumped for joy even though I had never sat behind one or ever desired to sit behind one. For some reason I was instantly excited. And when I had some empty time coming up in December I knew how to fill that time automatically. I would sew with mom. I knew I wanted to make something very special and since my nieces first birthday was coming up that would be my project: a blanket for Aileena. Mom thought it was a pretty big project as a first project but she let me have it anyways.

I had a blast that day. There is lots to learn (mostly about patience) but I am hooked!! What surprised me is that my mind was empty. I never have an empty mind and this was an awesome find. I can sew and not think about anything!! Wonderful! There are times that I just long to sew, there’s this deep desire. Work schedule is getting in the way for now but soon, very soon… I already have an order for a nursery pillow and matching curtain. I can’t wait…

Thanks to mom who taught me to sew! Who taught me what it is like to be a woman 😉 I am convinced every mother should teach her daughter to sow (and allow her to call in the way hours of the night when she runs into a problem with her sewing machine, again).

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Feb122014

Failure and Grace

When I became a wife I was super excited to finally have someone to take care of. In my single years, living with housemates, they would often say how lucky my husband would be since I loved to take care of people and things. So when I got married I was excited to do laundry, excited to cook meals, excited to keep the home cozy and nice. In that I strive to excel. Because I know it blesses my husband so much when I take care of things. He takes care of the things he said he would take care of, and I’d like to take care of mine. It’s my desire to be a blessing to my husband. Some call it old fashioned. I find true pleasure and satisfaction in it.

Somewhere down the line Tim did have to balance me a bit. I do think I strive for perfect and I have to be careful that doesn’t exhaust me. I cannot be perfect. Trying to be perfect is the wrong striving.

When I started picking up work again Tim challenged me to share some of the chores I considered mine. I disliked that idea. I still wanted to take care of things myself. I still wanted to see them as my job. But I gracefully accepted Tim’s help and we learned a new normal. For one, he started doing groceries and it was a huge relief. But I kept having the feeling that I failed. I was no longer doing what I had in mind I’d do. It was hard for me.

And then last week happened. I had much on my calendar. It’s sometimes overwhelming to work, and deal with my Holland house and other lingering things in Holland, all the while keeping our home organized and still bless the people around us with meals, home made caramel and surprise parties. Somewhere in there I also want to do things that help me relax, like going out on walks, photography or being creative in other ways. So on Monday I messed up. All these things came together and the day just wasn’t long enough. Time got away from me.

I made a point to mention to Tim about dinner plans. He had soccer at night and that means he can’t have a late or heavy dinner. So I may a point to say we’d have a late big lunch. Well, I wasn’t around for lunch time. And I got home late which even compromised dinner which put stress on both of us since we had to leave for soccer. Not a pretty picture. Though Tim isn’t demanding, he was disappointed. Since I made a point to mention the schedule for the day he was counting on me. I felt so bad. Failing the one I love feels horrible. It gets worse. Will you believe that I did the same thing the next day? Well, I totally did. We had another night of soccer, another full day for me and I totally blew it, again. I felt so bad, again. I had totally disregarded Tim and his needs over mine (work, working on a quilt, helping a friend). Me wanting to be perfect causes this all to be a big deal. It was easy for Tim to extend grace, he was quick with it too. But to extend grace to myself is really hard. I felt embarrassed.

Now I know lots of wives will tell me that this happens to them all the time, that this is pretty normal. I believe that, but I don’t want this to be my normal, and lately it becomes pretty normal for me to juggle schedule like this. More than I would like to I am working on laundry in the evenings or weekends, taking away from our time. In the beginning I had set the standard that Tim would not be bothered with or see the home chores. I would want to do my chores during working hours so that Tim would not be faced with any of it. And now in reality I am making the bed late at night, he sometimes has to grab his laundry straight from the dryer. I hate that. That will not be our normal. And as I learn to better handle my schedule I know there are lessons in all this too. First of all, I need to accept that I can’t do it all, all the time. It is wonderful I want to put my husband first. It is wonderful that I long to serve him and do him well. But I will fail. And I will need Tim’s help. And I certainly need his grace. Second, I need to embrace God’s gift. He knew I could never be perfect and He extended grace in all circumstances. Without grace I am nowhere and I need to learn to be full of grace towards myself. Neither Tim, nor God are expecting me to be perfect. Striving to be perfect is the wrong striving for it is by grace I have been saved, through faith – and this is not from myself, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that I can not boast (Ephesians 2:8-9). Without Him I can do nothing. And when I do succeed, He deserves all praise and glory!

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Jan272014

A season with a reason

Do you have that sometimes, that you know God is doing something, you just don’t know what exactly? Well, I am currently in such a time. I am in a season for a reason. I just don’t know the outcome of this season, I don’t know where I am headed.

I have been struggling with some heart’s desires going unanswered. The one thing I desire most is to have peace. But coming to a place of peace when heart’s desires are involved is not easy. I want to be in a place that it doesn’t matter what happens. I want to be in a place where I trust God and I am okay with whatever happens, knowing that whatever the circumstances, God is present, real and faithful.

Praying for my heart’s desire

versus

Getting my heart in such a state that it has no will of it’s own

God is constantly pointing me to Scriptures that invite me to pray and ask. He is showing me that He will listen when I ask Him for anything in line with His will. And if I know He is listening I can also be sure that He will give me what I ask for (1 John 5:14-15). He tells me to keep on asking and I will be given what I ask for. That I need to keep on looking and I will find. I need to keep on knocking and the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7). He reminds me that if sinful people know how to give good gifts, how much more will He, my Heavenly Father, know to give good gifts to me who asks (Matthew 7:11).

So I am praying… but what I desire most is peace. I want to be okay with where I am now, regardless of my heart’s desire. When I pray for my heart’s desire it seems I run the risk of merely focusing on the things I want, getting restless in the process and getting frustrated and hurt. I don’t want to merely focus on what I want.

I have been doing this Bible study called “Experiencing God”. The study is challenging me to have my heart be in a place where it has no will. That is what I want! That is what I am talking about. I want to be in that place where I trust my Father and just be at peace with my circumstances. But… that balance is not an easy one to find and thus the season.

This is a time of waiting. Thanks to my Spiritual Direction Counselor I learned something that was very new to me. The advent. The advent is a time of waiting, expectant waiting, hopeful waiting. I learned that waiting is not something passive, it is very active. And God uses a time of waiting to draw us close. Desire is something very powerful and beautiful. A lack of fulfillment is an invitation. An invitation to open up to what God has for us. A lack of fulfillment is not just pain, it tells me I am alive for I long. This is where spiritual life comes to life. I can celebrate desiring. I can celebrate waiting, and hoping, and expecting.

I am at the place where I realize the outcome is not important, it is the journey. God is doing important things on this journey… in my heart! I can say that I rejoice in this season. Although it is hard at times, really hard even, today is a day where I find my rest in knowing God has reason for this season and I have the opportunity to draw close to Him. In the end, I believe that’s what this is all about: drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, being in relationship with Him that changes me, heals me and grows me.

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Dec192013

Lovey-Dovey

I always want to be lovey-dovey with Tim. I always want to feel and be connected to him. Well… how I have that in mind has turned out to be quite challenging in this busy season of work. As usual Tim is my reminder that we are okay. We have been in a season that we work 12 hour days, 6 days a week, going to bed late and getting up very early in the morning. It’s not regular life, it’s a season. And changing seasons are part of who we are, that is our life.

Remember me writing about our Conscious Cuddles. Well, when they don’t happen I am not so well. When it doesn’t happen 3 days in a row, I start to worry… where will this lead us weeks from now? We will not be well. We need to be connected. Those are some of the worries that pop up. We cannot not connect just because life is busy. But Tim reminds me that this is just a season of something different.

I was praised today for the high standards I continue to have for our marriage but at the same time I notice I am growing and changing. I actually find there is connection in the not connecting. Okay, our conscious cuddles are not as long as in less busy times (though there are still there) but at least we agree that we need to be focused on work right now and us time will come back to us. We agree that we are okay and we will get back to one another. Just now, for the time being, work is taking up most of our conversations, and that is okay.

Photo credit: Wojtek Wolfe

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Dec112013

Not what I had in mind…

The season after our wedding that I couldn’t work was interesting for me. I had always worked so hard and here I was put to a halt. While I was going through the immigration process I wasn’t allowed to work just yet. Something that was very challenging. I believe God was doing a good thing. I think He needed for me to take a deep breath, get a break and learn to have a change of pace. I learned a lot in the not doing.

When it looked like immigration was coming to it’s close I slowly started to ponder with Tim on the next. What would I want to do once I am allowed to work? I had little time to really think about this because work presented itself, from a somewhat unexpected angle.

When I left Holland I wasn’t sure what would happen to my business. I was ready to leave behind the deadlines, the work overload, the crazy hours. I was thinking I wanted to merely focus on photography and Tim’s ministry. But then in June came the call from the Dutch broadcasting company… could I come on board again? They were in a bind… and before I knew it I was doing research on a documentary in Oklahoma and not much later I found myself in Myanmar for a reality TV series that I worked on the previous seasons. And one thing led to the next. Since August I have been working on a new reality TV series for Holland but here in the States, in the end leading to the same crazy hours and deadlines. I will say it was great to be back! Despite the crazy hours and deadlines.

For the first time I am a married working woman and that is quite different from a single working woman. It was another opportunity to learn, grow and adjust. For one, I still wanted our home to be spick and span. I still wanted to cook for Tim (uhhh, us). I still didn’t want him to have to worry about anything concerning these matters. And it was Tim who sat me down and said: “If you and I are both going to be working… you need to let me take care of some of the chores around the house.” Are you kidding me? That is not what I had in mind. But I had learned in my ‘not doing’ season that it is certainly not about the doing. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to do everything myself. I don’t and will never be wonder woman. And so my amazing husband has stepped up to the plate and been sharing in some of the chores.

For the first time I am a working woman with husband and that turned out to be a great something. When Tim started his new non-profit, he, his team and I thought I would come on board. It was that plain and simple. But as I got busy myself, we didn’t see it happen. And I had to realize that right now, my role in Tim’s ministry is providing some needed income. I do have a part, it just looks different from what we had in mind. I am grateful for this realization, I just want to have a part… whatever part that is and right now that is giving Tim more time to get the non-profit up and running. But I do take part where ever I can during meetings, brain storming and such. I always love going on a road trip with Tim because he is speaking some where or we are visiting his partners and supporters. But as it turns out, it works the other way around also. As I dove deep into research for this new reality series I found myself in very beautiful conservative circles. I found that it was more about relationship and trust building then it could be about work. And there were times where the people would look to Tim as the man and not me when it came to talking about this TV project. And so more than once Tim ended up on the road with me, for my project. And what a blessing this has been. For the first time I have a husband supporting me, my dreams and work. Tim has been amazing.

I felt such trust from Tim as I traveled around. There was so much freedom and support. And as the months passed Tim stepped in many many times and we turned out to be quite the team when it comes to working together. I experienced much much joy, besides it being pretty amazing that Tim would give me so much of his time and so much devotion to my work. One thing we know… we are best together. I am looking forward to many more projects together.

Hopefully I will be able to post some Myanmar photos on my photography Facebook page soon:

MaddyChristine Hope Photography on Facebook

Myanmar Episode “Destination Unknown”

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