Personal Process

Sep172014

Please give me some alone time

Screen Shot 2012-11-30 at 11.34.33 AMI had a ‘breakdown’ in August.  I was tired.  Oh so tired.  And I just wanted some alone time.  And with that comes the realization that what I go through, Tim goes through.  And I can imagine that at times, it really isn’t easy for him. To have a wife who doesn’t sleep (it’s gotten better 😉 ), to have a wife who goes through emotional roller coasters, to have a wife who is not always physically well.  And the fact that I influence Tim with my ‘things’  weighs heavy on me at times.  So I didn’t just want a break for myself, I wanted a break for Tim.  And we had the perfect circumstances to do just that.  The day before we were to house sit I cried and I found Tim: “Would you consider having a conversation with me about maybe going our separate ways for a few days?  You can maybe have the house with the pool and have fun with friends while I just rest at home?”  
 
Tim’s response was not what I had expected at all.  I had hit rock bottom and I thought he would taste my heart.  I thought he would be very compassionate of me needing to just ‘be’ and rest… without it influencing him.  I know he loves to go out, be with people and enjoy summer fun.  I just needed to be in bed and read.  I thought this was a way of taking care of both of us.  
 
Tim was compassionate for sure, just not the way I had anticipated…
He said: “You are married now.  We are married now.  Living apart for a week is just not an option.  It just isn’t right.” 
 
And he gave me the greatest gift ever!  He grabbed his wedding vows and started reading…
 
Maddy I promise to lead you, by God’s grace, providing for the physical, spiritual and emotional needs of you and our family…
“Did you hear that beautiful?  I promised to take care of your emotional needs too.  I can’t leave you for a week…”
 
He continued to read:
 
To be available to you and to be your rock, comforting you in times of sorrow and struggle…
To make you my first priority above all other things…
Maddy, I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple and when it is an effort, extending grace to you at all times, for this is how God created you to be loved.  
 
And after that Tim said that maybe it is him who needs to learn.  Maybe it is not about me trying to be better when life gets hard, maybe it is not about me being so very tired and still wanting to be a good wife and serving Tim.  Maybe it is about him needing to learn how to handle it better.  
 
And I had instant relief.  His faithful care for me is IMPRESSIVE.  And at the same time I keep reminding him that it is okay to have faithful care for himself too.  He is learning that it is okay to go hang out with people, it is okay to have fun without me. Sometimes we just need different things.  
 
And the results were amazing.  We went house sitting.  He played in the pool with friends.  I got my rest.  I was honored.   And because of that I was able to hang out a lot more than I anticipated.  Being full of energy and so joyous over spending time with friends.  
 
Oh what the reminder of weddings vows can do!!
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I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
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Aug222014

5 Minute Friday… Change

I have seen it every where, read about it a lot but never participated.  Writing under pressure… for some reason I think it’s time.
 
It is very simple, on Thursday evening a word prompt is shared by Kate and on Friday we give ourselves 5 minutes to write.
5 minutes!!  And without a grammar check or editing we post whatever came to our creative minds…
 
This week’s word is CHANGE…
 
MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp-0787This morning Tim reminded me that in the past, when change was at hand, life would always shut down for me.  Change equals healing here. And he is right, my healing has always been so intense that it would be what I focused on.  I would give it my all and yes, often I was not able to do life because I went so deep.  
 
I always expected my past to come up once I would be married, in ways that I wasn’t triggered before.  Marriage comes with commitment, with marriage comes intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy, and I was sure it would stir up certain memories, aches and fears.  And that is exactly what has been happening.  And I am glad, glad that it doesn’t stop there. God has more wholeness for me, more healing and He is bringing me to a beautiful place.  A place where I will want to shout out more for His glory, because of His healing work in me.
 
Healing is something I still seek after.  It is why I have another season of healing ahead of me.  I am going to do a 4 month ‘program’ called Living Waters.  But Tim said something very important now… change does not have to shut down life.  If anything change means moving towards something.  And I find relief… the coming months I can do life, I can be married, I can have intimacy, I can be joy as I heal.  I embrace this change.  And maybe, maybe change won’t hurt as much this time. Maybe even the way I change has changed!
 
 
I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
 
 
 
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Aug202014

My plate

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-FullPlate-0826So there are things on my plate, things I have categorized as bad, painful, heavy and not fair. Recently I am sensing that God is moving me towards another view.  Because who am I to decide what is good or bad, fair or unfair?  What if God has a bigger picture?  What if, when we live closer with God, the bad doesn’t look as bad anymore.  What if bad is good?
 
I know in the midst of my pain I can’t see any good.  I get angry.  I get tired.  I turn hopeless. And that is such a hard place to be.  Dealing with a past of sexual abuse is hard.  Layers continue to get unraveled and now that I am married, more healing is stirred.  A painful and sometimes hopeless process.  I feel God has loaded my plate with heavy stuff and when heart’s desires went unanswered I turned angry.  Why God, why could this thing not go easy?  Why didn’t you protect me from this pain?  Why did you add this to my already full plate?
 
And then today I was directed to 2 Corinthians 12:9
 
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
 
I think there is more healing in my life BECAUSE I live close with God.  Yes, it is a painful process but I am being made whole again.  And it is in pain that I have amazing understanding of God and His intimate love.  It is in pain when I meet face to face with Jesus, I cannot describe how sweet and powerful that is.  Not to mention how powerful it is for those who watch me up close.  They see Jesus be Jesus.
 
My view on life is changing.  The need to categorize good and bad fades… instead I embrace whatever is on my plate for God is so very good, in all things!  Maybe I am to learn that God is good in my bad.  My bad is never the same when I realize I am loved and His good is with me.  It’s not about bad, it is not about circumstances, it’s about me letting God be God in those circumstances. The goal is not to get away from pain, the goal is to have His power be perfected in pain.
 
So the very painful healing I embrace because of hope, I look ahead and see what life will be like when I am more whole in certain areas in my life.  Joy, openess and excitement have replaced previous heart’s desires.  
And 2 Corinthians 12:9 doesn’t end there, it continues…
 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in hardships, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.
 
My biggest desire in life is to be of meaning.  God wrote a story and I want to tell.  I can tell because I hurt.  I can hurt because  He is strong.  He is strong because I am weak.   
 
 
 
I love that you are here, and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
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Aug132014

You Do!

MaddyChristine Hope Brokopp-20140807_0797My Father woke me up this morning with a thought… ” I can not make anything happen. “
 
I try in life.  I see a lack or malfunction and I try to fix it.  I feel I always have a responsibility.  Even though I have a powerful and loving God, I feel there is always a part I have to play.   I cannot just sit around and wait for things to happen.
 
So I try to fix the health issues I have.  I try to find the glitch to why I am not sleeping and I try to find a ‘cure’.  I approach people to see if they could be a potential friend.  I see the lack… and I do what I can.  
 
I am reminded of meeting Tim.  For the longest time I feared men.  I wasn’t going on dates, didn’t even talk with guys… how on earth would I go from that to getting married?  It took lots of effort on my end.  I sought out healing, I took this singles course in church and I read this book.  By the time Tim and I met, I was ready!  I did my part.  
 
But lately I have had the thought that I can actually not make anything happen.  I am reminded of meeting Melissa.  I had just become a Christian and did not have one single Christian friend.  God had me sit next to Melissa in church one morning and we hit it off.  I didn’t even know I had the need.  It was God’s doing. God provided. 
Again I think of meeting Tim.  All though I got ready for him, there is no way I could have made us meet.  I could not have picked out the right husband.  One unexpected church morning, visiting church in the US, we ended up sitting next to one another and we hit it off.  It was that simple and so very God appointed.  
 
Tim and I visit house after house, apartment after apartment to find the right place near church and community.  We feel a deep desire to move.  It takes a lot of energy and it is very discouraging.  We were both reminded that we do our part, but in the end it is God who has a home already picked out for us.  It is God who has the finances lined up.  It is God who has picked out the people we are supposed to live next to and love.
 
And so today when I lack… I will probably try to make things happens.  I will play my part but it is VERY IMPORTANT to remember that we ourselves do not make things happen.  Nor do we want to I think.  It is so much better when we wait and let God unfold our story.  God reminded me: ” You Do ! “
 
 
I love that you are here, and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
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Aug062014

A discipline

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-0700This morning I really need my time with God.  I slept little last night.  My night was filled with tormenting dreams yet again. The dreams make a whole lot of sense, I am processing emotions that are within. Getting up like this is very very hard.  I am tired, I feel exhausted and the day just doesn’t seem bright.  The day feels like a task.  There is no joy.  
 
I haven’t slept well for weeks on end (I should probably say months on end.)  There was an entire month I was without sleep.  Lately I get some hours here and there.  Ever been without sleep?  Well, it’ll change your outlook on life.
 
So I got up and decided to climb behind the computer and read some blog posts of some dear internet friends of mine (Vicky and Holley for instance).  The posts I ran into were all about making a conscious choice about focusing on beauty and blessings.  I tell you, that is HARD when you get up in the morning the way I do, with little to no sleep.  That is why I went to the computer in the first place.  It was hard to go sit on that beloved porch and seek God.  But the posts I read awakened some needed discipline.  If I want a shot at this day… it’ll start right there on that porch and no where else.   
 
Like Vicky wrote: “It takes effort to turn our thoughts back to blessings.“
 
It really does!  But it really is very important.  I have done everything I can to change my sleeping problems, and other issues I am dealing with for that matter.  I have taken melatonin.  I exercise.  I eat healthy.  I take other supplements.  I get counsel if I need it.  I pray.  Tim and I battle this in prayer like never before.  I sit with God.  I plead with God.  And there is nothing more I can do.  I rest my case.  And it brings me to God.  Apparently I can’t change this problem in my life.  Apparently it is not up to me to do so.  It is time to sit with God.  Plain and simple but oh so very hard to do.  And so when it is dark, when joy is no where to be found, when I am just really begging God to take of the oppression off of me… I need to look at other things. Not at my current status but at the past and where I have come from, I need to look at the future and see all that God can do, and I AM in the now, I see the beauty and I count my blessings.
 
 
 
I love that you are here, and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE !
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Jul292014

Until they meet again

Joy comes in the morningIt may be clear to you now… God is doing a deep thing in me.  Yes there is hurt but only for the soul purpose of coming out on the better side.  Yesterday a portion of hurt was added to my life.  It is interesting how one can hurt so badly, yet be very aware of God’s work and His grace.  
 
Yesterday I knew I needed to hurt and feel every emotion that rose to the occasion.  There was anger, disappointment, sadness, grief.  But I also knew I would wake up in the morning and Hope would join me. Throughout the day yesterday there was never just one emotion.  There wasn’t just the pain.  No, I could clearly see my blessings and celebrate them.  That is such a neat experience.  And that is God’s grace!  
 
There is something very beautiful to letting yourself go ‘there’.  To not be afraid of pain.  At times, it really is good to just be there.  Period.  I have had people tell me to not dwell on the past.  When I have hurt, I have had people step in and tell me all the good things that lay ahead.  Apart from the pain, I just don’t understand why people are so afraid of it.  Why is there such a need to get away from it as soon as possible?  Do people not know there is beauty in pain?  That there is beauty in ashes?
 
MaddyChristine Hope Photography-0730Because it is in that pain that God can do amazing things.  It is in that pain that God can show that He truly is God and good. It is in pain that God has a way of showing Himself.  It is in pain we can show God we truly believe and follow.  In pain there is true worship.
 
And so today I am reminded to let His love seep into the inner recesses of my being.  To not close off any part of myself from Him.  He knows me inside and out, so I will not try to present a ‘cleaned-up’ version of myself to Him.  Wounds that I shut away from the Light of His love will fester and become wormy.  So I open myself fully to His transforming Presence.
~ Sarah Young’s Devotional ‘Jesus Calling’ ~
 
And as I hurt God tells me: ” Come to me continually.  I am meant to be the Center of your consciousness, the Anchor of your soul.  Your mind will wander from Me, but the question is how far you allow it to wonder.”  ~ Sarah Young’s Devotional ‘Jesus Calling’ ~  This tells me it is okay to hurt… it is okay to go there.  But as I do this, I should not shut out God’s truth.  There is never just pain.
 
 
Isaiah 55:8-9 
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts

 

I love that you are here, and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !
 
This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE ! 
 
 
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