Personal Process

Oct012015

A full moment

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-5323.L

I love to sit in silence and what continues to happen to me is that I am deeply grateful for the things around me.  I can be in a total state of bliss just sitting in our home and looking around me and just be at peace.  This morning the world was barely awake, the house was empty, Tim taking our boy and his friend to high school and there it was, I was overtaken by things so little: a hot cup of tea, a delicious breakfast, and beauty all around me in our little home.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much…

 

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Jul292015

How to move past anger

I really do not want to write this post!  Anger is a very difficult emotion to deal with.  And most of us know that anger is not something to hold on to.  It’ll make you sick, literally.  It’ll eat up all your energy.  Though there may be a VERY good reason to BE angry, Jesus has shown us what to do with it.  FORGIVE.

But what if you have been abused, if there was cruelty involved.  And I am not talking about something in the past, what about now?  Someone has treated you in a way that was extremely hurtful and it is costing you time, effort and energy to heal from it.  It was unfair.  It was unjust.

And then Jesus says: Forgive anyway.

I think we are not naturally wired to let go of anger.  And this morning I am wondering if Jesus says: Love!  Love this person. Reach out to this person.  Make the first step.  Keep reaching.  And maybe that is the only way to process this anger and be freed from it.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Jul222015

Treasure in Jars of Clay

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-4610.Scripture

Not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, not destroyed.

I am sitting on the plane, back from Haiti, and taking in these words.  It has been an unbelievably hard week and I need to read those words over and over again.  God is allowing me to be hard pressed on every side, he is allowing me to be perplexed and persecuted and He saw me get struck down.  And he is bringing me to this: His promise that I always carry with me the death of Jesus.  Death is at work in me, so that life can be at work in you (those around me).

I am to be a source of life.  It takes determination, selflesness, constant forgiveness to be a source of life in the midst of the hatred, brokenness, and cruelty I have been through this past week.  At times, I doubt I can do this.  But God brings me back to this treasure I have because of Him.

I do not know the outcome.  I just want to believe it can be done: Every child from a hard place can heal!!

We are back in the therapist’s office as soon as we are home.  I am ready to reconcile and love but I have to wait for our boy to ‘break’.  The question is not: Do we want to keep him?  The question is: Does he want a family?  Does he want us?  And if so, will he submit to the natural authority that parents have over a child?  Will he let himself learn to love and be loved?

Please pray for what we are trying to do in our home.  Please pray for our boy, he is in desperate need for rescue but he has got to submit.  Pray he CAN maintain in a home and accept love.  Pray he stops resisting out of pure trauma and brokenness.  Please pray for perseverance for Tim and myself.  Pray we WILL BE Christ like and continue to know and feel we will not be crushed, in despair, abandoned or destroyed.  This all-surpassing power is from God.  In Him it is possible.  Pray for Hope!

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Jul062015

A sincere question

I have been wondering if my walk with our boy is extra hard for me because of my past.  Is it this painful because of the pain I have seen before?  Is it so hard because I am still broken?  There is no answer yet, I am just sincerely putting this question out there and wait for the outcome.

It is a question I have asked our therapist, and I did so again last week.  Our therapist, who is awesome!!!!, said she never answers questions for clients and then she got quiet… She said she had a strong feeling about it and withholding it didn’t serve anything, so she told me.  Like she told me last time.

She believes that because of my past, because of my pain, I relate to our boy in a way he very much needs.  Besides my husband being awesome, we are also making progress because I understand our boy so well.  I don’t question his attitude, his behavior because I know he hurts and that is where it is coming from.  And our boy needs someone to hurt with him.  It is how he connects. And right now, he needs to inflict pain on someone else, he hurts and so someone else will.  It’s just part of the process.  And I carry the pain well because I am familiar with pain.  I know it all sounds so crazy but she did a good job explaining the psyche that I understand so well at times.  To continue, he also needs to hurt someone as he tries to trust. He is wanting to see what I do when he hurts me.  Will I go away?  Am I able to handle it?  Will I go crazy?  Will I say he is a bad kid with problems?  Will I send him away?  And beyond that, he is looking to see what I do with my pain.  He has never had a good model.  What does someone do when he/she hurts.  His eyes are on me.

And so all the pain I am feeling is not necessarily bad.  It feels AWFUL yes, but it is needed.  And allllll my years of hard work, of therapy are paying off.  I can handle the pain.  I do not walk away from it or pretend it is not there.  I might get quiet, I withdraw at times, but I always will address what is going on inside.  I share with those around me.  So our boy sees I do not inflict pain on others just because I hurt.  I take care of myself and he sees it.

Our therapist believes our boy knows I have had a rough past.  He recognizes things in me he doesn’t recognize in people often.  Some how he has figured out I got better, he just doesn’t know how and he is watching me.

So that day last week, I walked away with more peace.  I do not have to worry about my past and I don’t have to be insecure about hurting our boy when I hurt so much in our current circumstances.  It is my past that makes this work.  And whenever I forget, I just go back to the therapist and let her tell me again…

No matter how painful or broken a past… God can always put it to good use.  Would I trade my past if I could?  Absolutely! Can I?  There is no way!  But God does write beautiful stories with those dark pasts.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Jul022015

I forgot

‘I am barely holding on’, that is what I have been saying the last few weeks.  It felt like no one really understood the debt of what I was saying.  Even the therapist, she and friends have been telling me we are doing great.  That we are doing an awesome job in this trial with our boy.  But all I felt was exhaustion and emotions.  I was barely hanging on.

We are constantly trying to read our boy.  When he behaves a certain way we are constantly processing our best next move. When he is angry we try to find ways to love him, and we certainly try to control our feelings and anger.  It’s not an easy thing but we do not want to mess up and so we invest, invest, invest in doing the right thing and not become angry.  When our boy is disconnecting from us, our house turns into this place of tension that is sometimes unbearable.  We have to be okay with this uncomfortable feeling.  We have to be okay with our boy either loving us, or hating us.  For now, there is nothing in between.  And it changes all the time.

Today I was reminded that God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Boy, it has not felt like that at all.

I forgot.  I stopped seeing.  Seeing the truth.  Seeing God’s work.  Seeing God’s call on our life.  I am a hundred percent sure that God chose us for this boy.  And we ARE doing an amazing job with him.  And our behavior, in many ways, shows Jesus. I really feel we are being Jesus and it is so very powerful.  We are SO determined to be the difference for our boy.  We constantly remind ourselves that our boy is hurting and broken and he’s been through too much.  That is the reason for the hardship, not the boy himself.  It’s his past that get’s ‘in the way’.  So when he yells three days straight, we try to keep it together and speak with calm voices.  When he ignores me I still will speak to him and reach out knowing he is not going to even give me a glimpse.  I still make him his lattes that he loves, knowing it will go to waste because on bad days he will refuse anything I do for him.  And Jesus has given us the honor to be like Him.

But it is hard work.  It is exhausting.  My body aches and faints (literally) because I am drained.  I cry, oh I cry a lot.  Tim and I, we are working hard to hold hands through it all and not turn against each other.  Our margins are gone and if we do not watch it, we will no longer be a good team.  So we find ways to do life in the midst of all this: we ask friends to come over on days that it is hard, we go out for drinks at a bar close to us, or we just visit a batting cage and play together.  There is still life in the midst of battle.  What a precious gift to have.

Today I thought about the cross.  Jesus was never able to reach heaven without the pain of the cross.  And He could not suffer the cross without knowing what was beyond the cross, heaven and life for all.  There is no way our boy can heal without getting through all the fear, the doubt and pain.  And there is no way we will be a family without us going through the tests and the rejection of this hurting boy.  We have to let it be okay that we hurt before we get to a better place.  And very important is that we do not forget to look beyond our now.  We know where we are headed.  This boy has a great chance of healing his heart and someday even being able to do relationships to the point he can even care for a wife.  He has great desires to one day be married and have 4 children.  He is convinced that he will be a great dad.  And we are convinced that if he stays with the hard work now, that one day, yes, he will make us into very proud grandparents.

So today Jesus let me see again.  He reminded me of the bigger picture.  He reminded me that He has picked our home for this boy to heal.  He reminded me that the future is worth getting through the pain now.  He reminded me of the privilege to be Jesus like.  We just have to remember the bigger picture.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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Jun032015

Justice versus Love

I shake.  My heart beats heavily and fast.  I can’t sit still.  I am overcome by this pressure in my chest.  When the feelings sets in I know exactly what is going on and the battle is not easy.  Justice versus Love, that is what I am up against.  That is the battle that I often fight.

There is this right that I feel, the need to punish someone, some how, for not treating me rightly,  And I am like that because of my abusive background and there never being any justice about it.  But it’s not right.  This is MY battle and has nothing to do with our boy.  Our boy… because that is where this takes place.  It is our boy who has the privilege 😉 to bring this out in me.  He can treat me so poorly, in a way I do not deserve.  He can ignore me like no other and oh, does that hurt, does that bring about memories of me being ignored for days on end by my family when I was little.  Or he lies about something.  Or he throws me this really dirty look.  Or he ignores a rule we put in place together.  Or he refuses to do his chore.  That is when these feelings take over my body.  But any child needs love the most when he/she deserves it the least.  So I have to let go of my justice, in order to love him.

He knows what he deserves and he knows he is not getting that.  When I let go of what he deserves, and love him instead, it communicates exactly what he needs to learn.   To forgive those who hurt him.  To let go.  Because it only imprisons him if he doesn’t.  He’ll get dark inside. I know what it is like to be in prison and I do not want that for him.  So together we will learn to let go of justice and free ourselves.  We will learn to love EVERYONE.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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