I have been wondering if my walk with our boy is extra hard for me because of my past. Is it this painful because of the pain I have seen before? Is it so hard because I am still broken? There is no answer yet, I am just sincerely putting this question out there and wait for the outcome.
It is a question I have asked our therapist, and I did so again last week. Our therapist, who is awesome!!!!, said she never answers questions for clients and then she got quiet… She said she had a strong feeling about it and withholding it didn’t serve anything, so she told me. Like she told me last time.
She believes that because of my past, because of my pain, I relate to our boy in a way he very much needs. Besides my husband being awesome, we are also making progress because I understand our boy so well. I don’t question his attitude, his behavior because I know he hurts and that is where it is coming from. And our boy needs someone to hurt with him. It is how he connects. And right now, he needs to inflict pain on someone else, he hurts and so someone else will. It’s just part of the process. And I carry the pain well because I am familiar with pain. I know it all sounds so crazy but she did a good job explaining the psyche that I understand so well at times. To continue, he also needs to hurt someone as he tries to trust. He is wanting to see what I do when he hurts me. Will I go away? Am I able to handle it? Will I go crazy? Will I say he is a bad kid with problems? Will I send him away? And beyond that, he is looking to see what I do with my pain. He has never had a good model. What does someone do when he/she hurts. His eyes are on me.
And so all the pain I am feeling is not necessarily bad. It feels AWFUL yes, but it is needed. And allllll my years of hard work, of therapy are paying off. I can handle the pain. I do not walk away from it or pretend it is not there. I might get quiet, I withdraw at times, but I always will address what is going on inside. I share with those around me. So our boy sees I do not inflict pain on others just because I hurt. I take care of myself and he sees it.
Our therapist believes our boy knows I have had a rough past. He recognizes things in me he doesn’t recognize in people often. Some how he has figured out I got better, he just doesn’t know how and he is watching me.
So that day last week, I walked away with more peace. I do not have to worry about my past and I don’t have to be insecure about hurting our boy when I hurt so much in our current circumstances. It is my past that makes this work. And whenever I forget, I just go back to the therapist and let her tell me again…
No matter how painful or broken a past… God can always put it to good use. Would I trade my past if I could? Absolutely! Can I? There is no way! But God does write beautiful stories with those dark pasts.
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