Healing

Jul152015

Ready for a mother’s heart

Our boy and I have landed somewhere I think, and we are going somewhere. He hasn’t told me, God revealed it to me.

Our boy has been clear about boundaries: there is not to be any touch, there is no getting close, there is not too much caring accept for lattes in the morning and a strawberry banana milkshake in the afternoon. I have had to put my heart away in some way. I longed to touch him, to get close when he hurts, to show how much I care. But he wasn’t ready. Love hurt him.

In therapy I found out that our boy doesn’t know where I am at. He is frustrated over that fact. He even mentioned that he knows I am emotional, but he doesn’t know what that means: if that means we are in a good place, or if it means we are in a bad place. And because our boy still needs his space I have been given him that space no matter how hard. And because our boy has the ability to really hurt other people (and me) along the way, I can’t help to get quiet at times and process what is happening in our home, making him insecure about where we are at with one another.

Today I realize he’s moving out of that place without saying so clearly, without even knowing it himself. I believe he longs for a mother’s touch. He desperately wants to know I love him and approve of him. But because he’s put me at a safe distance, and I have respected his boundary, he’s not had the opportunity to see my heart. It’s made him insecure about our relationship. And he is a child, he should not have to ask for it. I am glad God showed me that our boy might be ready for more. He might be ready for a mother’s heart. He might be ready for me!

And it is scary. This boy can reject. I am going to put my heart out there in all vulnerability. I am going to love him knowing that he has the ability to hurt me depending on where he is at on that day or in that moment. But when we get passed this, how precious it will be. We are very slowly moving towards being a family. Our boy told me last week that there is ‘being a family and having to work at being a family.’ He feels we are still in that second category and I agree. None of what we are doing feels like family, it feels like a mission and sometimes that is a hard reality when you long for family.

But than I remember what God has called us to. What my mission is in life: I am all for healing and hope. I have experienced much of it in my life and I want to pass along God’s ability. Everyone can heal and have hope for his/her life. I want to walk along side people who need healing, I just never knew it was going to look like this: up close and personal, that it would take everything out of me, and that it would be touching and healing me at the same time.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories!

Jul082015

The roller coaster

Picture a roller coaster. You are on it. You go up, you go down, you even go upside down. And there is no way to control any of it. You can’t skip the part where you go upside down, there is no getting out, and you certainly cannot get to the controls. It is impossible to get out midstream to push the stop button or let it go faster through the lower parts or stop at the top so you can enjoy the view. The only thing you can do is ride it out and trust the person who manages the controls.

We are on such a roller coaster ride. Our emotions are like the roller coaster. The journey with our boy is hard and painful.

However, our boy is booking great progress. In the midst of crises he can now put his head on my arm. Just for a few seconds but it is there. We can tell his heart is healing, slowly. Today I realize again that working out brokenness hurts. We cannot expect our boy to heal without a battle.

Last week when I sat with Jesus He reminded me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. But there is no easy at the moment so somehow I am doing something not quite right. All I could do in that moment was see the roller coaster and just breath through it. There is no easy in our home but RESTORATION is written all over us.

I realize that I am doing so much caring for, that sometimes I feel like a little girl and I need some caring for me. Because the journey is so crazy and unpredictable, my head has been full, my nights are broken, and my body is weak. In that, it has been incredibly hard to sit and be still with God. I was too consumed. And all this when I know all too well I cannot do this in my own strength. I stopped to look at my needs and I stopped to look at God’s work.

So just sitting with “My yoke is easy and My burden is light” gives me peace. It might not be much, but maybe all I need to do is sit in it. Without answers. I need some care and God is the best person to turn to. And since, I have put up pictures in our home, pictures that remind me why we do all of this. Photos of high moments with our boy: the photo that tells me of the first time we took him to the beach and how priceless that was, the photo that reminds me of the moving speech he held at his 8th grade graduation ceremony that made parents, students and teachers cry, the memory of our boy setting up table in the middle of two rooms so he could be with both me and Tim at the same time. I need to remember who God is in all this, why we are doing what we are doing and when I do that my eyes lift to Daddy and my yoke has just become easier and my burden got lighter.

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories!

Jul062015

A sincere question

I have been wondering if my walk with our boy is extra hard for me because of my past. Is it this painful because of the pain I have seen before? Is it so hard because I am still broken? There is no answer yet, I am just sincerely putting this question out there and wait for the outcome.

It is a question I have asked our therapist, and I did so again last week. Our therapist, who is awesome!!!!, said she never answers questions for clients and then she got quiet… She said she had a strong feeling about it and withholding it didn’t serve anything, so she told me. Like she told me last time.

She believes that because of my past, because of my pain, I relate to our boy in a way he very much needs. Besides my husband being awesome, we are also making progress because I understand our boy so well. I don’t question his attitude, his behavior because I know he hurts and that is where it is coming from. And our boy needs someone to hurt with him. It is how he connects. And right now, he needs to inflict pain on someone else, he hurts and so someone else will. It’s just part of the process. And I carry the pain well because I am familiar with pain. I know it all sounds so crazy but she did a good job explaining the psyche that I understand so well at times. To continue, he also needs to hurt someone as he tries to trust. He is wanting to see what I do when he hurts me. Will I go away? Am I able to handle it? Will I go crazy? Will I say he is a bad kid with problems? Will I send him away? And beyond that, he is looking to see what I do with my pain. He has never had a good model. What does someone do when he/she hurts. His eyes are on me.

And so all the pain I am feeling is not necessarily bad. It feels AWFUL yes, but it is needed. And allllll my years of hard work, of therapy are paying off. I can handle the pain. I do not walk away from it or pretend it is not there. I might get quiet, I withdraw at times, but I always will address what is going on inside. I share with those around me. So our boy sees I do not inflict pain on others just because I hurt. I take care of myself and he sees it.

Our therapist believes our boy knows I have had a rough past. He recognizes things in me he doesn’t recognize in people often. Some how he has figured out I got better, he just doesn’t know how and he is watching me.

So that day last week, I walked away with more peace. I do not have to worry about my past and I don’t have to be insecure about hurting our boy when I hurt so much in our current circumstances. It is my past that makes this work. And whenever I forget, I just go back to the therapist and let her tell me again…

No matter how painful or broken a past… God can always put it to good use. Would I trade my past if I could? Absolutely! Can I? There is no way! But God does write beautiful stories with those dark pasts.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Jul022015

I forgot

‘I am barely holding on’, that is what I have been saying the last few weeks. It felt like no one really understood the debt of what I was saying. Even the therapist, she and friends have been telling me we are doing great. That we are doing an awesome job in this trial with our boy. But all I felt was exhaustion and emotions. I was barely hanging on.

We are constantly trying to read our boy. When he behaves a certain way we are constantly processing our best next move. When he is angry we try to find ways to love him, and we certainly try to control our feelings and anger. It’s not an easy thing but we do not want to mess up and so we invest, invest, invest in doing the right thing and not become angry. When our boy is disconnecting from us, our house turns into this place of tension that is sometimes unbearable. We have to be okay with this uncomfortable feeling. We have to be okay with our boy either loving us, or hating us. For now, there is nothing in between. And it changes all the time.

Today I was reminded that God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light. Boy, it has not felt like that at all.

I forgot. I stopped seeing. Seeing the truth. Seeing God’s work. Seeing God’s call on our life. I am a hundred percent sure that God chose us for this boy. And we ARE doing an amazing job with him. And our behavior, in many ways, shows Jesus. I really feel we are being Jesus and it is so very powerful. We are SO determined to be the difference for our boy. We constantly remind ourselves that our boy is hurting and broken and he’s been through too much. That is the reason for the hardship, not the boy himself. It’s his past that get’s ‘in the way’. So when he yells three days straight, we try to keep it together and speak with calm voices. When he ignores me I still will speak to him and reach out knowing he is not going to even give me a glimpse. I still make him his lattes that he loves, knowing it will go to waste because on bad days he will refuse anything I do for him. And Jesus has given us the honor to be like Him.

But it is hard work. It is exhausting. My body aches and faints (literally) because I am drained. I cry, oh I cry a lot. Tim and I, we are working hard to hold hands through it all and not turn against each other. Our margins are gone and if we do not watch it, we will no longer be a good team. So we find ways to do life in the midst of all this: we ask friends to come over on days that it is hard, we go out for drinks at a bar close to us, or we just visit a batting cage and play together. There is still life in the midst of battle. What a precious gift to have.

Today I thought about the cross. Jesus was never able to reach heaven without the pain of the cross. And He could not suffer the cross without knowing what was beyond the cross, heaven and life for all. There is no way our boy can heal without getting through all the fear, the doubt and pain. And there is no way we will be a family without us going through the tests and the rejection of this hurting boy. We have to let it be okay that we hurt before we get to a better place. And very important is that we do not forget to look beyond our now. We know where we are headed. This boy has a great chance of healing his heart and someday even being able to do relationships to the point he can even care for a wife. He has great desires to one day be married and have 4 children. He is convinced that he will be a great dad. And we are convinced that if he stays with the hard work now, that one day, yes, he will make us into very proud grandparents.

So today Jesus let me see again. He reminded me of the bigger picture. He reminded me that He has picked our home for this boy to heal. He reminded me that the future is worth getting through the pain now. He reminded me of the privilege to be Jesus like. We just have to remember the bigger picture.

Jun032015

Justice versus Love

I shake. My heart beats heavily and fast. I can’t sit still. I am overcome by this pressure in my chest. When the feelings sets in I know exactly what is going on and the battle is not easy. Justice versus Love, that is what I am up against. That is the battle that I often fight.

There is this right that I feel, the need to punish someone, some how, for not treating me rightly, And I am like that because of my abusive background and there never being any justice about it. But it’s not right. This is MY battle and has nothing to do with our boy. Our boy… because that is where this takes place. It is our boy who has the privilege 😉 to bring this out in me. He can treat me so poorly, in a way I do not deserve. He can ignore me like no other and oh, does that hurt, does that bring about memories of me being ignored for days on end by my family when I was little. Or he lies about something. Or he throws me this really dirty look. Or he ignores a rule we put in place together. Or he refuses to do his chore. That is when these feelings take over my body. But any child needs love the most when he/she deserves it the least. So I have to let go of my justice, in order to love him.

He knows what he deserves and he knows he is not getting that. When I let go of what he deserves, and love him instead, it communicates exactly what he needs to learn. To forgive those who hurt him. To let go. Because it only imprisons him if he doesn’t. He’ll get dark inside. I know what it is like to be in prison and I do not want that for him. So together we will learn to let go of justice and free ourselves. We will learn to love EVERYONE.

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories!

May292015

I let go

Today I did something very brave. And not because I am such a great person. No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone. He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.

I was waiting for that phone call. I was waiting for that sweet word. I was waiting for love. But it wasn’t coming. Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that. For months I have been tossing over this. Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job? How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning? Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again? I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.

But there is another option. I could put pride aside. I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not. I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots. And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone. He was gentle about it, giving me time. He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice. If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move. I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year. Nothing can happen if I do not act. Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting. Lots of compassion for everything I felt. It had value. But today I chose to move away from it.

I can put pride aside. I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love. I CAN… LOVE. And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved. I can love this person for who she is not. It’s not a done deal… but I will learn. And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.

I love that you are here. And I certainly would love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~