Foster Care / Adoption

Apr092015

WOW is all I can say

It is really really too bad that we cannot post any pictures because some very precious moments took place in our home last week.  Picture our boy, the one who locks himself in his room for days on end, setting up a little dining table IN A DOORWAY. Tim on the one side of this doorway, working in the office.  Me on the other side of the doorway, working in the kitchen.  And our boy in the middle, eating his food.  It portrays our boy’s heart… That day, and more and more, he just wanted to be close to us.  He was talking, cracking jokes, being a lot of fun, very happy and sitting in the middle of two rooms, in our presence. When we offered to take him to a friend’s house (since it was Spring Break) he replied: “No, thank you.  I just want to be home.”

WOW is all I can say!  Love may be painful, but it is totally worth it.  Love prevails, Love overcomes, Love wins.  What happens in our home is living proof of that.

 

 

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Mar302015

Love hurts…

I received a powerful lesson in love a few weeks back.

For the purpose of winning our boy’s heart we have been challenged to let go some of the things I wanted to control, like food intake or doing home work.  Our boy wants independence, but I know he is not ready to carry certain independence. He doesn’t always know what is best for him, that is why children have parents.  I realize that in ‘normal’ families trust was built over the years and a child, to a degree, will let a parent in because there is this realization that he/she just can’t do it alone. Our boy, because of his history, likes to hold onto his independence.  But I know it is my job to help and give direction: I can explain why not eating is not healthy, why sugar can be bad, why protein is important.  I can also guide doing homework or teach how to study.  But if that help is not necessarily wanted… I need to let go, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel and no matter how big the chance of him ‘messing up’ and falling.

And that is what I have been doing, letting go.  And it is VERY uncomfortable.  So in therapy I asked for some time for me, not our situation, not our boy but ME.  I explained I was very emotional about some things and I was hurting.  I explained that I was uncomfortable with our boy not eating breakfast, or even dinner at times.  I was uncomfortable about the amount of sugar intake, knowing our boy has trouble staying on task in class, to the point of falling asleep.  I was uncomfortable following her lead in letting go.  Our therapist (who is amazing) looked at me with compassion and gentleness: “And this is called love.”  “Excuse me?” I said.  “This is called love Maddy.  This is loving your boy.  You are letting go to the point it hurts you, for the purpose of winning his heart.  And you don’t put your hurt on him, you deal with it, you sit with it, you come here.” I started laughing a bit… I thought our boy smiling was a sign of love.  Our boy being happy would be a sign of love.  Or me feeling good would be a sign of love.  And in this instant I realize pain is a sign of love.

Love hurts.  For now, love hurts.  And it’s not a bad thing.  I realize it is too soon to see the fruits of love, but what I feel is actually a sign that I love.

And I think of Jesus.  Isn’t He our great example of love?  In His love, He was willing to hurt, for the sake of others. What is currently happening in our home is not easy.  It is tough work.  It is painful.  I mentioned before that it is also an honor. I realize I have been called to love like Jesus did (we all are).  And this kind of love I cannot have without Jesus.  This love I cannot express without Jesus.  It is exceptional.  But it can be done.  And it is happening in our home:  a Love that is beyond myself.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Mar282015

Concerns: a vulnerable post

People respond differently to my posts… some love that I write openly about my process and the processes in our home, they say that it is good to get it out there for others to read and be encouraged by.  For another there is this added concern for our boy.

I listen closely to what dear people to my heart share with me.  I know they share concerns because they love me.  And so I stood still and thought about what I share here on line.  Am I saying too much?  Am I sharing things that aren’t mine to share? Am I revealing too much about our boy?

I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case, at least for now.  My heart may shift as I continue to process this but for now I would like to point out, incase others are concerned, that what I share is not necessarily about our boy. The things I write about is what any foster parent goes through, in that sense anything I write about our boy could be taken as ‘a general rule’ of what a child from hard places goes through.  Our boy is no different from any other child from the system.  They have a hard time bonding, it’s normal.  They push away to test, it’s normal.  They ‘act out’ which can’t even be considered acting out because it really is not, it is testing to see if new potential parents will stay.

I share for the purpose of hopefully encouraging others.  I share about my struggles and growth through those struggles. That is my point to writing: to be vulnerable, and showing how I mess up, how I hurt and how I change and grow.  Besides the fact I write for me, it is important for me to process that way. And like I have always done, I will think twice (probably a lot more actually) before I post something, I will always ask myself the question if I share things that are not mine to share because it reveals details about someone other than myself.

We see deep deep good in our boy.  And any hardship I write about says nothing about him.  It says something about where he’s come from.  I don’t need to share any details about that, THAT is not my right.  But where ever he comes from, everyone who sees us knows he isn’t our biological child.  And that fact equals why it is not necessarily easy in our home.  There is a past with any child who is not growing up in his or her original home.  And any hardship I write about also shows how much growing I have to do in parenting a teenager from a hard place.

I hope this is making sense.  And if you were concerned, I hope I took some concern away for you. We have learned quickly we can’t do this alone and being online has helped me many times in my life.  We can just log in and find people ‘like us’.  On the side of my page I share how I do not live for myself but for God.  Writing openly about our struggles is living that out to me.

I thank the person who raised concern.  I love that she is willing to get vulnerable herself and taking a risk with me by sharing. I love you!!  I appreciate you.  And I love who we are in our friendship.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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Mar052015

Rise above yourself: we are called to something beautiful

Yes, crises continues in our home: A boy locked inside his room.  A boy choosing not to connect.

But what a big God we have.  He is not asking me to do anything that He hasn’t done Himself.  I am to love a boy who’s really not that lovable (you know what I mean right?).  He is asking me to connect with someone who does not want to connect with me.  He is asking me to love on a boy who tramples on my heart.  Being ignored hurts deeply (at least in my case.)

To love when it’s thrown back in your face is painful, and yet, that is what God is calling me to.  But only because He knows it can be done!

I am rising above myself.  It is powerful.  It is an honor.                                                                                                               It is also painful.  There is hardship: My body is full of stress.  My nights lack peaceful sleep.  And I depend on God, because I am selfish.

It is my opinion we are selfish.  I think we tend to focus on the self: What can I get?  How can I feel good?  But we are called to rise above ourselves, which can only be done through God ~ the source.

We are called to something beautiful, painful, but beautiful !

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Mar042015

It is not easy

So we have a difficult morning today.  I saw our boy go down hill the last 4 days and there was nothing I could do about it. He was starting to get very rude, would not speak to us, would answer us only by head shake or a mumble. He’s just not pleasant to be around.  We try and not let it influence our time together as a couple, meal time can still be cozy and fun right? Just because he is not pleasant, it doesn’t mean the rest of the family can’t have a pleasant time.  Yes, Tim and I have learned a lot in a short time 😉 .

The one thing we do is hold up a mirror to him the best way we can:  “We notice you are moving into your little self.  You are not as talkative, and you are being pretty rude.  Something is going on and you probably do not even know what yourself. That’s okay.  Know we are here, but also know there are some people you can call.  You don’t have to do this alone.  And we do need you to watch your attitude a bit, you always have a choice.  Let us help you make wise choices in that.”

This behavior has everything to do with bonding issues, adjusting issues, fear, and it’s the result of a very rocky past.  I don’t think our boy does any of this intentionally.  He needs it to cope.  It’s sad to witness, it’s sad to be a bystander and not being able to fix this for him.  And in that I realize we do much, we do all we can.

We try to not take anything personal (VERY hard for someone like me), we try not to respond in our emotion and anger is very useless since it doesn’t help us move forward.  My nature wants to punish, after all, he is being so very disrespectful but it’s not what he needs.  Sure we have boundaries, but with the help of professionals we also prefer to look at his circumstances.  He is a boy from hard places!  That makes we can’t respond in ways that one would probably do with biological children.

It gets tiring.  It’s draining.  It’s not fun.  And it causes me to reach out to friends all the time.  And when Tim and I spoke last night we mentioned how none of this feels good, still we know God has called us.  We trust God’s heart and we move along. God is not a God about making us feel good, He may have a way deeper plan for our life, and for a life within our life. So we move close to God, and we pray to God that this boy will find us.

My reminders for moments of crises:                                                                                                                                            1.  Do not take things personal.                                                                                                                                                      2.  Do not respond in anger.                                                                                                                                                          3.  Do not respond in any emotion.                                                                                                                                                4.  Walk away from the situation when the going gets really tough.  Let it be! till a talk can take place, even if that isn’t till days from now.                                                                                                                                                                                5.  Pretend it’s not there and continue on with life.  We all know it’s there, we just can’t let it set the stage for our day, our marriage or our home.  There is life besides a crises.  There is life during a crises!  This also takes off pressure of our boy by the way.  He doesn’t feel he’s the center, it gives him some space and it helps him move out of ‘it’.  All the while continuing our love for him and we continue to serve him: wishing him a great day at school with a happy voice, putting out snacks for him to take to school are some examples.  We do not withdraw from him in a time like this.                                                     6.  When the time to talk presents itself, share about how we felt during the crises.  We can be honest about our feelings and experiences.  This also opens up our boy’s eyes that he’s not the only one in this.

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Want to hear from others who write about the hardships in life, yet are able to see light, go HERE !  Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.

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Mar022015

Happy with any response really…

I will continue to write about the time passed with our boy in our home (our Christmas together, transitioning etc).  It’s been 7 weeks and lots can happen in 7 weeks.  A roller coaster can take place right in your home.  I am used to roller coasters and that is helping me today big time.  I always hoped that my roller coasters weren’t for nothing, that they’d serve a purpose one day.

We currently have in our home a boy who is not ready to commit to us.  A lot is happening in his heart.  Lots of pondering and wondering.  Lots of fear.  Lots of fighting for his independence because really, he made it pretty much alone this far.  Why now, at the age of 14, allow parents in your life who will look over your shoulders and tell you what is best for you?

We are constantly trying to find the balance.  When and how much do we pursue him and when do we let him be?  We are believers that it’s good to let the boy come to us, when he is ready.  In the mean time we do lots of loving, being present and available when he calls on us.

Today our boy heard Tim and I talking about us hosting some people in April.  It ‘freaked’ him out.  He does NOT like to share anything.  I repeat: our boy does not like to share anything.  And the thought about sharing the bathroom, the living room, the hot water, the cabinets of food… it doesn’t make him happy.  Of course there is a why to that but that is besides the point right now.  He called loudly: MOMMMMM!  “Yes?” I said… “Are we going to have people stay with us?  I mean in our home. 1, 2, 3 people’s home?”  He smiled when he said it, knowing how silly he was being.  “You ARE kidding right?  You mean our home?” “Yes boy, we are going to have 3 extra people in our home and yes, we will share the shower, and the hot water, and the food, and the car.”  It was fun engaging with our boy over something so silly.  But oh my, any little response from this boy is better than none at all!  It is joy to my heart.

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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