Foster Care / Adoption

May242017

Call us crazy

We are expanding our family. Last night we celebrated our last dinner as a family of 4. We looked back, we looked ahead and we spoke about how we are scared.

What we are doing seems truly crazy. But, we can’t help it.  The brothers have a sister, and she needs a home. And we want to be that home. How can we not?

That girl is something special too and during the duration of 2017 we have bonded with her. 5 short months has created a calling. Boy 2 has his sister back. They went through darkness together and a very special bond was created during it. Boy 2 had to deal with the loss of his big brother, and because sis was around, it made the incredible loss somewhat bearable. Boy 2 feels complete, like boy 1 felt complete with him. For boy 1… this is a dream come true. It started with him, he set this train in motion and now he gets to rebuild what was stolen from him. He has expanded this family and we are blessed.

The road will be hard. When we had that girl over for spring break it was cause for great emotions. Past was called to the front, loss was remembered and the new dynamic of nothing being the same yet happy to be together again was rather confusing for the boys.  But we fought through it, we all did. But we are not kidding ourselves. We are not taking this lightly. We are gearing up for battle. When we get through it, we will all be better, we will have conquered and left behind.  We have our support networks lined up. People are praying and the therapist is ready!

Tim and I will need to soar on the prayers of those around us. We too will go through valleys again. We have done it once, we are doing it twice, and while in the middle of the roller coaster with boy 2, we add this dynamic. Yes, it is crazy.

This morning I awoke before the birds sang a single song. I thought to pray and all I could pray about was the powerful ‘God healing’ happening in our home. The love that is going around, the love the boys are now passing along to their sister, this is a calling on the whole family. The past 2 weeks especially, us 4 have all stepped in. We have all worked hard to literally create space in our home for that girl. A room was build. Setting up walls and painting was done. Family meals were cooked together. A trip to Ikea was made. Savings were felt as money needed to go towards that girl. We have been blessed through this process of combined effort. The family of 4 is stronger because of it, and even for that, this was totally worth it.

“Oh God, we will be Your channel. We will love and we want your healing to move through us. Give these siblings life. Give back to them. Help them heal. Help them persevere. Help them be special beings to this world as they come through deep valleys. Let them rise on top, all three of them.”

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

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Jan272017

I checked myself into a hotel

We’ve been talking about it for months… a re-occurring get away for me.  Talking, we didn’t get past talking about it.  And then I noticed how tired I was, and I talked about how tired I have been for some weeks.

We didn’t realized this till a few nights ago.  Tim and I have been operating from this believe that ‘it would all get better’.  But it’s not getting better.  The progression we saw in boy 1 over time seems stagnant now. We thought that when we stick to the hard work, our boys would come to a place of peace, where battle and fight is no longer needed.  But we realize change may not come.

Since my last post, boy 1 went from his darkness to massive explosion.  We have come out of that a bit, but life goes on unchanged, meaning ongoing explosions about every little and big thing.  It’s exhausting and it is cause for great distress ALL THE TIME.  After the big explosion 2 weeks ago, I expected us to see healing and that we would know a longer season of laughter, ease and family life.  And that is not what is happening.  We realize this IS our life.  And the ‘it will all get better’ is not coming.  I do not mean to be hopeless but when I ran this by our therapist, she said the hopelessness is something I should definitely hang on to for it is HOW BOY 1 FEELS.  It’s his connection to us, he wants us to feel how he feels.  And there we go again…  the pain is good for something.

Accept, at the moment I am exhausted.  And so 2 nights ago, after another explosion, I checked myself into a hotel.  I needed rest, I needed sleep and both I was not getting at home.  Being at home meant being in constant tension.  Full disclosure… I have picked up dancing and boy, am I using that to get away from things.  This past Monday I just could not be home with the boys, and I went dancing.  I am learning it’s healthy to escape at times, and I probably needed to do that a lot earlier in the game.  And a dancing class here and there is not cutting it anymore, I am way past an hour get away.

We have 3 more years before boy 1 leaves our home potentially, and we may be in this battlefield for all that time.  That is what our story is.  And we do not have the sweet baby phase to look back on, or the cute toddler memories to cherish in our heart that makes this all a little more bearable.  No, all we know is battle…

I guess we did not ‘start’ a family for the sake of having a family.  We were aware it was going to be hard.  But honestly, in the back of my mind, I was hoping, maybe even counting on, we would feel like a family.

So all I can do now, is ask for your prayers!  Ongoing prayers for the healing of our boys.  Our agency has always said that ‘EVERY CHILD FROM A HARD PLACE CAN HEAL’.  I am trying to hang on to that, but I am full of doubt at the moment. Pray for Tim and I to stay connected and well through all this.  Pray for sustainability for us.  Pray that at least him and I will be and feel like family.  We need God’s grace!

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

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Jan182017

When all you should do is watch your child hurt

Our boy is in darkness.  And we’re getting worried.  It started 3 weeks ago and lots of it, everything actually, makes perfect sense now.  It started with bad behavior to the point it was hard to like him, to the point it was hard to be around him.  The anger coming out of him, at unexpected and ‘unreasonable’ times, was hard, because it was constant.  With very direct arrows at the people around him, ouch!  The boundaries we set up were disregarded.  And then we saw him get dark, truly dark.  He could no longer care.

And I was reminded that our boy is not a boy with behavioral problems.  He is in pain!  And I became aware I need to rise above my own feelings, my anger, and my exhaustion.  This boy needs someone, please someone, to see past his behavior. And we are there now.

And we pick our words carefully, and just repeat them multiple times a day.  “You can be in a foul mood, that is okay.  You can be angry, you just can’t hurt people in the process, okay!  But we can give you space.”  And: “You will get better.  You will be okay again.”  And: “I am so so sorry you are hurting my boy.  It is so hard to watch but this will come to pass.  I am right here.” and when I say those words, I always cry.  Most importantly, I sit with our son.  I just sit with him as he is indifferent.  I just sit with him as he is dark.  I hug him, knowing I touch his soul even though nothing tells me any of what I do enters him. But I know God, I know LOVE, it will not go unnoticed.  God’s love always finds a way, in His timing.

And the few sentences that are spoken by our boy, they give us a lot of information.  Worrisome information.  Yes, there is very deep pain.  And we are concerned.  He is 16 years old and it’s not even been 2 years since he’s been with us.  He’s not even had 2 full years of stable life in his life.  I go back to the things I know… such pain.

The biggest gift we can give our children is to not want to change anything.  Although difficult for everyone involved, he is right where he needs to be.  This is inside him regardless.  This is the place to be right now, where healing gets room.  I’d rather him do this important part now, with us, then somewhere down to road, alone or with his spouse.  And I know what to do, I was there myself many many times.  I know what to do in darkness, I know what it feels like.  I do know what he needs. And even though he gives nothing, I love him and that is a crucial piece of information for his heart.  His momma will always love him.  That is simply my job.  Not because I am special, but because he is.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Jan132017

Replenish my love

Father, I don’t want to go downstairs and face my day or boy without having prayed… I don’t want to attempt to do today in my own strength.  I am so tired and feel incapable and so Father, I open my hands so you can fill them.  I pray you will replenish my love for my boy on an ongoing basis today.  Let me not run out.  Give me the right words to say, help me give him the right direction for today as I have taken him out of school for the sole purpose of loving on him.  And Lord, give me the right eyes… when my boy looks me in the eye, help him see nothing but compassionate love.  And Father, I lift up our boy who is in darkness.  Will you open his heart and mind to the love that comes from his momma.  And I pray peace all over him, that he would not feel he needs to do anything with what he’s given, help him to only see and let it be.  Father, let Your will be done in our home today, You will be our faithful God.  Amen!

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

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Nov162016

It’s a glorious day

fullsizerenderWe cannot begin to describe what the past 4 days have been like here in CO. God has done so much and brought amazing gifts. Never could we have thought it would be this emotional, this perfect, this hard and this healing. Through it all we have lived on an amazing high. 

The boys have had amazing reunions with people of their past. Only God could have known and done all these miracles leading up to boy 1’s adoption. 

Our boy is ready, so very ready. Our prayer is that as he slams the ‘hammer’ to make his adoption final, God separates him from the past and bores him into the future. Let it be a Holy Spirit moment for him.

You can watch the ceremony by clicking right HERE as we broadcasted LIVE via Facebook.  

Part One (only 3 minutes)            Part Two (the majority of the hearing)           Reception Speeches

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Nov122016

Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

I heard some footsteps on the top floor.  “Ah, someone must have woken up” I thought.  I made my way up and I saw boy 1. I guided him back to his room and I kissed him, I stroke his head and wished him good morning. Then I broke the rules, just to show him I love him dearly.  I grabbed his device from the other room and brought it to him.  His smile was so big, he knew I was making an exception, the one where we do not allow devices in the bed room.  Then he said: “Mom, you can stay here if you want….” When a child says that, at least our child, he is not saying, he is asking!  And so I climbed in his bed and we cuddled.  “Mom, I just do not know how I am going to feel on Monday.” And we talked about the big day coming up.

“I have been dreaming about this day for years.  I have wanted this day for years but now I just don’t know how I am going to feel.”

These moments are precious.  So very precious and there really is nothing better in my life then a moment like this where one of our boys just connects in the deepest way.  I feel our hearts attach, I feel welcomed and all walls, all fear, all mistrust is gone.

We are in Colorado for boy 1’s adoption hearing. We are adopting boy 1 on Monday November the 14th.  That day 2 years ago we met him for the very first time.  So we are blessed with our hearing taking  place on that very special date.

A few weeks ago, in preparation for this trip, I asked both boys to make me a list of places they wanted to go, people they wanted to see and things they needed to smell, touch, taste or hear.  I made no promises, I just said I would work hard to get all the things on their list organized.  Thursday would be boy 1’s day, Friday we’d focus on boy 2.  And so it was.

The days have been long and very emotional.  And our boys… they get through it like champs.  One thing they do is amazing… they share how hard it it so see certain people and places.  How it is good but it also brings up painful memories. Especially boy 2 usually processes on his own: he gets quite and plays basketball.  But during this trip he continuously invites us in.  He wants to share.  Both boys are feeling it, they are truly allowing the pain of the past to surface, and we do this trip as a family.  Hurt is carried by us all and the pain in on the move.

I am forever grateful for the people who were willing to go out of their way to give of their time. But this was not a one way affair. We have seen people run towards the boys, we have had past teachers cry at this reunion, we have heard from each and every person how the boys affected them!!!!!  Boys that were rejected, over and over again, are meeting with people who have ALWAYS recognized how unique they are.

I am so proud of these boys and I pray that after these many reunions, they realize it was never about them. They were never rejected because of who they are! I am also proud of them because they were strong. They endured severe pain and I look at them today and see how they fought to stay alive, how they fought to keep hope, trusting that good was in their future.

And here we are… boy 2 is awake now too.  I guide him back to his room, also with his device and soon I carry up lattes and tuck them in. We have a few hours before we start connecting again with the people of their past.

 

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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