We’ve been talking about it for months… a re-occurring get away for me. Talking, we didn’t get past talking about it. And then I noticed how tired I was, and I talked about how tired I have been for some weeks.
We didn’t realized this till a few nights ago. Tim and I have been operating from this believe that ‘it would all get better’. But it’s not getting better. The progression we saw in boy 1 over time seems stagnant now. We thought that when we stick to the hard work, our boys would come to a place of peace, where battle and fight is no longer needed. But we realize change may not come.
Since my last post, boy 1 went from his darkness to massive explosion. We have come out of that a bit, but life goes on unchanged, meaning ongoing explosions about every little and big thing. It’s exhausting and it is cause for great distress ALL THE TIME. After the big explosion 2 weeks ago, I expected us to see healing and that we would know a longer season of laughter, ease and family life. And that is not what is happening. We realize this IS our life. And the ‘it will all get better’ is not coming. I do not mean to be hopeless but when I ran this by our therapist, she said the hopelessness is something I should definitely hang on to for it is HOW BOY 1 FEELS. It’s his connection to us, he wants us to feel how he feels. And there we go again… the pain is good for something.
Accept, at the moment I am exhausted. And so 2 nights ago, after another explosion, I checked myself into a hotel. I needed rest, I needed sleep and both I was not getting at home. Being at home meant being in constant tension. Full disclosure… I have picked up dancing and boy, am I using that to get away from things. This past Monday I just could not be home with the boys, and I went dancing. I am learning it’s healthy to escape at times, and I probably needed to do that a lot earlier in the game. And a dancing class here and there is not cutting it anymore, I am way past an hour get away.
We have 3 more years before boy 1 leaves our home potentially, and we may be in this battlefield for all that time. That is what our story is. And we do not have the sweet baby phase to look back on, or the cute toddler memories to cherish in our heart that makes this all a little more bearable. No, all we know is battle…
I guess we did not ‘start’ a family for the sake of having a family. We were aware it was going to be hard. But honestly, in the back of my mind, I was hoping, maybe even counting on, we would feel like a family.
So all I can do now, is ask for your prayers! Ongoing prayers for the healing of our boys. Our agency has always said that ‘EVERY CHILD FROM A HARD PLACE CAN HEAL’. I am trying to hang on to that, but I am full of doubt at the moment. Pray for Tim and I to stay connected and well through all this. Pray for sustainability for us. Pray that at least him and I will be and feel like family. We need God’s grace!
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