Faith

Jan142019

New Ways

I can go back to a lot of things since my last post in 2018, it was a turbulent year. But one thing I am being lead to is to embrace the new, with ease! So there ya go, a great topic for a year that started just 14 days ago…

E A S E … it is my word for 2019!  

And surprisingly to me, it came with such ease.  I remember last year, where I took weeks and weeks to settle on my word for the year.  I was engaging in spiritual practices and took it seriously, and I took the time. I wanted to make sure I RECEIVED a word and did not pick one myself.  This year, it fell in my lap. I was in a formational prayer session and as my caregiver mentioned the word in a sentence, it simply stood out and it landed.

The past year continued to be filled with stress due to our challenges with raising hurting children (were you aware we have 3 teenagers now?). Being an HSP (High Sensitive Person) didn’t make that easy.  All of this coincided with my own past and brokenness that I always keep dealing with. It all bundled together, not sure where the beginning was, and if there was an end, it certainly didn’t feel like there was.  The stress took away sleep, and by the end of the year, that resulted in, being in pain 24/7. My adrenal glands no longer functioning, muscle pain, bone pain. It felt like my body was shutting down.

And in the middle of all that, Jesus came close and spoke to me.  The messages rather challenging and, for a person like me, surprising.  

The lingering question has been: Why is it so difficult for me to see positive, to feel positive, to be positive?  What is it about me, that holding on to a negative attitude serves me, in some way? And, I possess the art to turn something positive into something negative.  What is the crux here? In my case, as soon as I entered this world, life was negative. Love and protection seemed missing. Somehow, viewing life as negative, seems a ‘weird’ need and, related to this experience.  

And now, in the new, Jesus has new ways for me.  He wants me to focus on POSITIVE rather than always the hard.  He wants me to embrace EASE rather than things always being my hard work.  He wants to bring me to my TRUE SELF, rather than me operating from, and always understanding,  my false self.

What if Jesus BRINGS ease, as a gift?

He will bring healing and perhaps the knowledge about the crux of the matter.  In the coming time, I will sit still and ponder EASE… simply be, as I look at this new way of living, not my own yet. Letting it come my way!

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Feb142018

Nothing to erase

Blessed 2018 ~ That we may grow in Connection with our Heavenly Father. In all circumstances and in all feelings. Connection, like hope, like joy, like love, is possible at all times.

Last year’s crises year may not have been crises after all.  Did it not feed me in ways I want to be fed?

The way I tasted joy, a gift for life.  The way I surrendered, a stress reliever. The way I view brokenness, for God to heal, in His timing, not my work, I can rest.

Life, so much more valuable today then this day last year or, any day in 2017. I do not want to go back and erase any hardship, moment of pain or tear shed.  Maybe not even moments of anguish for did the anguish ultimately not lead to Joy?

There had to be more and so I went looking.

Looking through pain.

I reached high and deep.

It is not until now, many many many moments later, that I see what I found:

  • The knowledge of Surrender: No outcome is mine to control.  No person is my responsibility, not even our children.
  • No healing needing to take place by my account.
  • Finding Soul Rest in the midst of war: The absence of thoughts.  In nothingness is everything.
  • Joy: In Joy is strength.  Joy is Delighting in unfailing Love.

 

I am spending quite some time looking back.  And it’s quite marvelous that the things I wrote about longing in the
beginning of the year, God has all touched.  So looking back on last year gives hope for the next year: It reminds me God is always faithful. So I spend not only time on looking back, but also on looking forward.  In that I hold on to 2 things… what is my heart longing for now, and what is God‘s longing for my soul?

Next up: My Word for 2018…

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Dec152017

Never did I not belong

Then little children were brought to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them and pray for them.  But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.  Jesus said: “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.”  When He had placed His hand on them, He went on from there.                                              Matthew 19

There is a big crowd.  Adults and children, from crippled old people to weaned babies.  People are happy; Jesus is among us. He is in our presence.  The countryside is beautiful with the absence of buildings.  There is one big tree that stands out.

Children are invited to come to Jesus.  The adults tell us to go.  No one is paying attention to Jesus’ friends who want to keep us children away.  They feel the need to protect Jesus; He probably does not have time for this.  But the children run ahead, so happy to be with Jesus.  I don’t run.  I simply let the crowd push me up, unsure I am allowed there too.  The children are running around Jesus; playing and laughing as He interacts with them.  I keep my distance, I feel uncomfortable, still not sure of my place.

Jesus catches my eye and He smiles at me.  There’s comfort.  I watch everyone play and have fun.  Sometimes I laugh at what I see happening, it sure is a fun sight.  He catches my eye again.  No matter how busy, no matter how much is happening around Him, He spots me from afar.  I smile back at Him and I have a warm fuzzy feeling inside.  Yet, I am still not playing, still not sure where I belong.  I feel out of place, and scared.

Over the next little while this keeps happening, as if Jesus is playing a game with me, without anyone knowing it seems.  Joy inside my heart.  And then, then Jesus motions me to come.  Very naturally the children jump in, they hadn’t even noticed I was not with them.  “Maddy, come on” they go, “Maddy come…”

Still unsure I get closer and when I am at arms length Jesus pick me up and sets me on His lap.  He puts His hand on my head and pushes me gently against His chest.  He knows.  As He continues to play, laugh and talk with all these children I just sit on His lap, His chest and hand being my comfort.  I find Rest and I fall asleep.  After I stayed there for some time, Jesus carries me over to the tree.  Without waking me up He lays be down.  There’s more children there, lovely resting. Children play, children sleep.

I belong.  Never did I not belong.

The tree is a comfortable place.  I am not bothered by it’s stature.  When I wake up I know it a lot better, I belong.  Now I giggle too.  I join in!  I don’t feel out of place at all.  At times Jesus still plays the eye game with me.  He still happens to catch my eye at the right time.  And He winks.  Him and I know.  There is this sweet connection and it tells me I can trust. I can enjoy.  I can play, and cry, and sleep.  I can talk, or be quiet.  Whenever I look at Him, He notices as if He was waiting for it.

I have grown.  I still sit on Jesus’ lap, listening but also chattering a whole lot.  I am not that little girl anymore, still a girl, always His little girl, but now, I notice.  I notice the Maddy’s in the crowd.  And with Jesus I play the eye game with them.  I wink them in.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Oct122017

Being like Him

We are there again… exhausted deep into our soul.  Sad, angry, hopeless, living in a stressful environment 24/7.

It’s been a week since Boy 1 spoke to me.  Blow ups are happening constintently and like never before do I see his manipulation and the fact that it is hard to trust him.  I am sad about him walking this path of not talking again, angry about the fact I feel he’s not pulling his weight. He could be going to therapy once a week, he could be showing us he’s all in by going to group therapy, and he certainly could put in every effort in school rather than ignoring all the help that is there for him.

I am that tired that I know it is okay to not pursue him right now.  I can take a break and make sure I stay well in it all.  So my schedule is emptier and the ‘only’ things I do is take care of the home chores, work just a little, drive them places, go on daily walks, sleep when I can, visit the boys’ soccer games, focus on my marriage, focus on the other 2 kiddos, sit with my Father on a very regular basis and meet only with people that understand or energize me. That is all I can take.

Still the anger and stress is getting to me.

Then my husband joins me on the front porch this morning, sharing his thoughts with me.  I am blessed with a husband who always strives to be better, who has the ability to SEE and always desires to be Compassionate and have Love.  He reminds me that we don’t want to become indifferent to our boy.  That we do not want to loose our compassion for him.  That our disappointment or anger can not take over.  We have to remember where he comes from, his reasons for his rollercoasters and getting out of control.  We have to keep working with his brokenness and let God fill us with Hope.  I start shaking my head as if to say yes yes yes. And even though my anger is trying to hold me back, I know Tim is right!  I realize it is okay that I am not fully pursuing this boy, that it’ll come back to me… I can take space for me, at the same time I can foster compassion and love.

So I get still even more… just trying to sit in God’s presence who in mysterious ways fills me up and changes me. Compassion will come back, love will overtake once again, I don’t have to worry about it.  We will always strive to be better!

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

 

Art by Jean Keaton

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Jul262017

Respite in my Sanctuary

I have organized respite for boy 1.  He does not like me to call it respite for he has many bad memories when it comes to respite. I explain to him that it’s time to give respite a positive connotation.  After all, he is not being send away, this respite is because HE can request a respite; when he is so tired of life, tired of the hard work he constantly has to put in in order to be part of a family. He gets exhausted and then behavior gets too painful for all of us.  We have learned to give him space, and a place where there are no ‘have to’s’ and he can just be.

So off he went yesterday, at the same time when I was supposed to have my time away from life.  I was scheduled for time in my Sanctuary, something I try to do on a regular basis.  I go to this cute little cottage where I get quiet, I don’t see anyone, I don’t speak out loud, and I practice sitting in the presence of God.

As I arrived I was still working on the respite for boy 1, this was an unexpected circumstance that was trailing behind me. But even before this current circumstance, I knew I was going to arrive tired and full to begin with.  I had already let myself know I was there to rest.  For me, being quiet turns out to be work, it is not easy to let all feelings and thoughts just pass. And so, I told myself I should just read novels instead of study books,  And I could sleep the time away.  I also brought my computer this time, so I could have fellowship with friends overseas who were long due for a special devoted connect time. And I ended up binge watching some things I had not seen for over a year, something I just can’t do in daily life.  But… it didn’t feel like rest.

I started to ponder on God’s love for me, as I am.  Was it really that hard to know He loves me, even in this?  In the not seeking Him in obvious ways, in the not using this Sanctuary the way I usually do.  Why is it so hard to be loved as is?  And I realize why I don’t rest.  I can’t have peace about being here in this amazing place and not use it for what it is made for, in my opinion.  I really do not believe it, I really cannot grasp His love for me… as is!

And I think of boy 1, who I’ve encouraged to get away so he does not have to talk to us, so he does not have any ‘to do’s’ like doing dishes or cleaning up after himself, so he can just be a couch potato and rest.  I love him none the less.  I might show him my love even stronger because I am the one setting this up, because I am the one guiding him to what he needs, because I am the one that makes it okay to not talk to us right now and not be capable of doing anything but breathing.  My love is nothing less!  I cover him in my prayers and love from a distance, knowing very well what he needs. I tend to him.

I can be confident that God is tending to me.  I might not even have the energy to think about it just like boy 1 is probably not thinking about me and my love for him right now.  I might be far away of feeling His love just like boy 1 is probably only feeling defeated, alone, lost and plain tired right now.  I am still here, still tending to him just like God is tending to me.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

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Jun292016

Here we go again…

Rejection, unkindness, silent treatment, rolling eyes, even nastiness… all coming at me once again. It hurts, and I have been told that because I can let it hurt me, our match was successful with boy 1. Our match will also be successful with boy 2.

But it really does hurt and it really is not an easy thing.  And the next months will look just like that.  But it will come to pass. Our first boy worked through it in amazing ways and we find ourselves now having fun, joking around and spending one on one time together.  We long for that now.

Why are my emotions necessary?  The boys need to see me connect with them even if I hurt because of them.  I express my emotions healthily, they do know when I am hurt by their actions, yet I do not walk away, withdraw or get mean in return.  For some reason this is intricate to their healing.  Healthy, but difficult bonding!

I get through it because I have friends who will always receive my texts about the heaviness of it all, no matter how many of them. I get through it because Tim and I will take breaks. I get through it because friends will happily take our boys for a bit. I get through it because we did it once before, and we can do it again.  I get through it because God is not silent.

One day, we will have two boys who are better at trusting people, one day we will have two boys who know what true love is, one day we will have two boys who will return home after college because bonding did happen.  It is not too late and we pray God’s mighty power over all of us.  We all need healing, we all need to trust, we all need to know love in better and true ways.

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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