Our boy is in darkness. And we’re getting worried. It started 3 weeks ago and lots of it, everything actually, makes perfect sense now. It started with bad behavior to the point it was hard to like him, to the point it was hard to be around him. The anger coming out of him, at unexpected and ‘unreasonable’ times, was hard, because it was constant. With very direct arrows at the people around him, ouch! The boundaries we set up were disregarded. And then we saw him get dark, truly dark. He could no longer care.
And I was reminded that our boy is not a boy with behavioral problems. He is in pain! And I became aware I need to rise above my own feelings, my anger, and my exhaustion. This boy needs someone, please someone, to see past his behavior. And we are there now.
And we pick our words carefully, and just repeat them multiple times a day. “You can be in a foul mood, that is okay. You can be angry, you just can’t hurt people in the process, okay! But we can give you space.” And: “You will get better. You will be okay again.” And: “I am so so sorry you are hurting my boy. It is so hard to watch but this will come to pass. I am right here.” and when I say those words, I always cry. Most importantly, I sit with our son. I just sit with him as he is indifferent. I just sit with him as he is dark. I hug him, knowing I touch his soul even though nothing tells me any of what I do enters him. But I know God, I know LOVE, it will not go unnoticed. God’s love always finds a way, in His timing.
And the few sentences that are spoken by our boy, they give us a lot of information. Worrisome information. Yes, there is very deep pain. And we are concerned. He is 16 years old and it’s not even been 2 years since he’s been with us. He’s not even had 2 full years of stable life in his life. I go back to the things I know… such pain.
The biggest gift we can give our children is to not want to change anything. Although difficult for everyone involved, he is right where he needs to be. This is inside him regardless. This is the place to be right now, where healing gets room. I’d rather him do this important part now, with us, then somewhere down to road, alone or with his spouse. And I know what to do, I was there myself many many times. I know what to do in darkness, I know what it feels like. I do know what he needs. And even though he gives nothing, I love him and that is a crucial piece of information for his heart. His momma will always love him. That is simply my job. Not because I am special, but because he is.
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Oh, my goodness, thank you for sharing your story of reaching out to a boy who needs a safe and loving family. I don’t know your whole story, but I’m inspired just in reading this tiny slice.
This is beautiful. I’m sure it is not easy but I love that you are giving him a safe place to work through his pain and express his feelings to move on in healing.
I was a hurting teen, and I would have welcomed the words you share with your boy, even though they may not have brought me out of my darkness. Keep persisting and loving…you won’t regret it, and hopefully someday your boy will remember the love which carried him through this dark time.
Not because I am special, but because he is.
This post breaks my heart and gives me such hope at the same time. You are such a blessing to him, and he will remember that.
Maddy you are always welcome here whenever and for however long. Sometimes when mom is away for a few days she is more appreciated upon return! 😉 Teenage hormones can bring a whole other confusing level!