I forgot

‘I am barely holding on’, that is what I have been saying the last few weeks.  It felt like no one really understood the debt of what I was saying.  Even the therapist, she and friends have been telling me we are doing great.  That we are doing an awesome job in this trial with our boy.  But all I felt was exhaustion and emotions.  I was barely hanging on.

We are constantly trying to read our boy.  When he behaves a certain way we are constantly processing our best next move. When he is angry we try to find ways to love him, and we certainly try to control our feelings and anger.  It’s not an easy thing but we do not want to mess up and so we invest, invest, invest in doing the right thing and not become angry.  When our boy is disconnecting from us, our house turns into this place of tension that is sometimes unbearable.  We have to be okay with this uncomfortable feeling.  We have to be okay with our boy either loving us, or hating us.  For now, there is nothing in between.  And it changes all the time.

Today I was reminded that God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Boy, it has not felt like that at all.

I forgot.  I stopped seeing.  Seeing the truth.  Seeing God’s work.  Seeing God’s call on our life.  I am a hundred percent sure that God chose us for this boy.  And we ARE doing an amazing job with him.  And our behavior, in many ways, shows Jesus. I really feel we are being Jesus and it is so very powerful.  We are SO determined to be the difference for our boy.  We constantly remind ourselves that our boy is hurting and broken and he’s been through too much.  That is the reason for the hardship, not the boy himself.  It’s his past that get’s ‘in the way’.  So when he yells three days straight, we try to keep it together and speak with calm voices.  When he ignores me I still will speak to him and reach out knowing he is not going to even give me a glimpse.  I still make him his lattes that he loves, knowing it will go to waste because on bad days he will refuse anything I do for him.  And Jesus has given us the honor to be like Him.

But it is hard work.  It is exhausting.  My body aches and faints (literally) because I am drained.  I cry, oh I cry a lot.  Tim and I, we are working hard to hold hands through it all and not turn against each other.  Our margins are gone and if we do not watch it, we will no longer be a good team.  So we find ways to do life in the midst of all this: we ask friends to come over on days that it is hard, we go out for drinks at a bar close to us, or we just visit a batting cage and play together.  There is still life in the midst of battle.  What a precious gift to have.

Today I thought about the cross.  Jesus was never able to reach heaven without the pain of the cross.  And He could not suffer the cross without knowing what was beyond the cross, heaven and life for all.  There is no way our boy can heal without getting through all the fear, the doubt and pain.  And there is no way we will be a family without us going through the tests and the rejection of this hurting boy.  We have to let it be okay that we hurt before we get to a better place.  And very important is that we do not forget to look beyond our now.  We know where we are headed.  This boy has a great chance of healing his heart and someday even being able to do relationships to the point he can even care for a wife.  He has great desires to one day be married and have 4 children.  He is convinced that he will be a great dad.  And we are convinced that if he stays with the hard work now, that one day, yes, he will make us into very proud grandparents.

So today Jesus let me see again.  He reminded me of the bigger picture.  He reminded me that He has picked our home for this boy to heal.  He reminded me that the future is worth getting through the pain now.  He reminded me of the privilege to be Jesus like.  We just have to remember the bigger picture.

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