Foster Care / Adoption

When all you should do is watch your child hurt

Our boy is in darkness.  And we’re getting worried.  It started 3 weeks ago and lots of it, everything actually, makes perfect sense now.  It started with bad behavior to the point it was hard to like him, to the point it was hard to be around him.  The anger coming out of him, at unexpected and ‘unreasonable’ times, was hard, because it was constant.  With very direct arrows at the people around him, ouch!  The boundaries we set up were disregarded.  And then we saw him get dark, truly dark.  He could no longer care.

And I was reminded that our boy is not a boy with behavioral problems.  He is in pain!  And I became aware I need to rise above my own feelings, my anger, and my exhaustion.  This boy needs someone, please someone, to see past his behavior. And we are there now.

And we pick our words carefully, and just repeat them multiple times a day.  “You can be in a foul mood, that is okay.  You can be angry, you just can’t hurt people in the process, okay!  But we can give you space.”  And: “You will get better.  You will be okay again.”  And: “I am so so sorry you are hurting my boy.  It is so hard to watch but this will come to pass.  I am right here.” and when I say those words, I always cry.  Most importantly, I sit with our son.  I just sit with him as he is indifferent.  I just sit with him as he is dark.  I hug him, knowing I touch his soul even though nothing tells me any of what I do enters him. But I know God, I know LOVE, it will not go unnoticed.  God’s love always finds a way, in His timing.

And the few sentences that are spoken by our boy, they give us a lot of information.  Worrisome information.  Yes, there is very deep pain.  And we are concerned.  He is 16 years old and it’s not even been 2 years since he’s been with us.  He’s not even had 2 full years of stable life in his life.  I go back to the things I know… such pain.

The biggest gift we can give our children is to not want to change anything.  Although difficult for everyone involved, he is right where he needs to be.  This is inside him regardless.  This is the place to be right now, where healing gets room.  I’d rather him do this important part now, with us, then somewhere down to road, alone or with his spouse.  And I know what to do, I was there myself many many times.  I know what to do in darkness, I know what it feels like.  I do know what he needs. And even though he gives nothing, I love him and that is a crucial piece of information for his heart.  His momma will always love him.  That is simply my job.  Not because I am special, but because he is.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Replenish my love

Father, I don’t want to go downstairs and face my day or boy without having prayed… I don’t want to attempt to do today in my own strength.  I am so tired and feel incapable and so Father, I open my hands so you can fill them.  I pray you will replenish my love for my boy on an ongoing basis today.  Let me not run out.  Give me the right words to say, help me give him the right direction for today as I have taken him out of school for the sole purpose of loving on him.  And Lord, give me the right eyes… when my boy looks me in the eye, help him see nothing but compassionate love.  And Father, I lift up our boy who is in darkness.  Will you open his heart and mind to the love that comes from his momma.  And I pray peace all over him, that he would not feel he needs to do anything with what he’s given, help him to only see and let it be.  Father, let Your will be done in our home today, You will be our faithful God.  Amen!

 

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It’s a glorious day

fullsizerenderWe cannot begin to describe what the past 4 days have been like here in CO. God has done so much and brought amazing gifts. Never could we have thought it would be this emotional, this perfect, this hard and this healing. Through it all we have lived on an amazing high. 

The boys have had amazing reunions with people of their past. Only God could have known and done all these miracles leading up to boy 1’s adoption. 

Our boy is ready, so very ready. Our prayer is that as he slams the ‘hammer’ to make his adoption final, God separates him from the past and bores him into the future. Let it be a Holy Spirit moment for him.

You can watch the ceremony by clicking right HERE as we broadcasted LIVE via Facebook.  

Part One (only 3 minutes)            Part Two (the majority of the hearing)           Reception Speeches

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

I heard some footsteps on the top floor.  “Ah, someone must have woken up” I thought.  I made my way up and I saw boy 1. I guided him back to his room and I kissed him, I stroke his head and wished him good morning. Then I broke the rules, just to show him I love him dearly.  I grabbed his device from the other room and brought it to him.  His smile was so big, he knew I was making an exception, the one where we do not allow devices in the bed room.  Then he said: “Mom, you can stay here if you want….” When a child says that, at least our child, he is not saying, he is asking!  And so I climbed in his bed and we cuddled.  “Mom, I just do not know how I am going to feel on Monday.” And we talked about the big day coming up.

“I have been dreaming about this day for years.  I have wanted this day for years but now I just don’t know how I am going to feel.”

These moments are precious.  So very precious and there really is nothing better in my life then a moment like this where one of our boys just connects in the deepest way.  I feel our hearts attach, I feel welcomed and all walls, all fear, all mistrust is gone.

We are in Colorado for boy 1’s adoption hearing. We are adopting boy 1 on Monday November the 14th.  That day 2 years ago we met him for the very first time.  So we are blessed with our hearing taking  place on that very special date.

A few weeks ago, in preparation for this trip, I asked both boys to make me a list of places they wanted to go, people they wanted to see and things they needed to smell, touch, taste or hear.  I made no promises, I just said I would work hard to get all the things on their list organized.  Thursday would be boy 1’s day, Friday we’d focus on boy 2.  And so it was.

The days have been long and very emotional.  And our boys… they get through it like champs.  One thing they do is amazing… they share how hard it it so see certain people and places.  How it is good but it also brings up painful memories. Especially boy 2 usually processes on his own: he gets quite and plays basketball.  But during this trip he continuously invites us in.  He wants to share.  Both boys are feeling it, they are truly allowing the pain of the past to surface, and we do this trip as a family.  Hurt is carried by us all and the pain in on the move.

I am forever grateful for the people who were willing to go out of their way to give of their time. But this was not a one way affair. We have seen people run towards the boys, we have had past teachers cry at this reunion, we have heard from each and every person how the boys affected them!!!!!  Boys that were rejected, over and over again, are meeting with people who have ALWAYS recognized how unique they are.

I am so proud of these boys and I pray that after these many reunions, they realize it was never about them. They were never rejected because of who they are! I am also proud of them because they were strong. They endured severe pain and I look at them today and see how they fought to stay alive, how they fought to keep hope, trusting that good was in their future.

And here we are… boy 2 is awake now too.  I guide him back to his room, also with his device and soon I carry up lattes and tuck them in. We have a few hours before we start connecting again with the people of their past.

 

 

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Ever so gently

We went to therapy yesterday.  We went to give boy 2 a place to process.  He gets stuck often and we simply do not know how to help him get unstuck, and so naturally we turn to our amazing therapist.

When he is stuck he suffers, and when he suffers the whole family suffers.  We all hate to see him in pain and we hurt when we cannot reach him even though we all try.

Our boy is a mystery.  His depth is unknown to all.  I see him battle, by himself.  I see him go of into that world of loneliness. Even his brother cannot help him, after all they have different stories and with that come different pains.  I can imagine our boy feels utterly alone and unsafe.  And I… understand.

The reality is so different though.  We chose him, we wanted him, and boy 1… he wanted nothing more than have his brother back in his life.  But the past has taught him, that in fact, he IS all alone.  How scary for a child, a child!

And I look at myself and my struggles.  In my core I feel utterly alone.  The rejection in my life that is still current keeps stabbing at the deep wound.  The healing is painfully slow, and also a mystery.

We have a similar wound, that boy and I.  I do understand.  I thought I had no tools, but in fact, I like no other, I know the tool. I cannot fix this boy, I cannot heal him, but I can SEE him, truly see him.  He will know when he is seen, and THAT is healing.

We went to therapy to help him get unstuck, now I see we went to understand him better, to learn how to better care for his heart.  I need to be a lot gentler with him. Oh the gentleness his heart needs.  My voice needs to be softer because the loudness of my voice brings him into a dark place.  And we need to be less direct.  And when he goes of to the furthest corner of the living room, I can sit with him and read my book, I can give him my presence.  And the eye contact, I need to remember to always make the eye contact, a look accompanied with a sweet smile.  When he asks, I need to gently applaud that like nothing else.  It is all about answering his every need, about affirming him in every state, and cheering him on in the simple day to day.  The fast that he is, is amazing and he needs to know that.

I have a new mission: To find his depth, his soul and hold it ever so gently.

So as we came in with the hope he could and would process, I walked away with so much more.  I can’t believe parents send their kids off to therapy as most work IS for the parents.  If parents do right, the child can feel safe to break and heal.  It’s not about changing our boy or working on behavior, we are here to guide the healing!

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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A sandwich blessing

We had a little sandwich disaster this morning.  Boy 2 is very particular which bread he wants with what topping.  And I switched it up by accident.  Hey, it’s only 6.30am when I make them 😉

Actually, I first made the crunchy bread with the cold cut topping and the soft bread with peanut butter, fluff and Nutella combo ;-).  Then I realized it was wrong and re-made the whole thing (yes, waisting bread in the process).  So enthusiastically I told Isaac about my mess up, and my fix!  And he got upset.  Apparently I had it right the first time around. He could not handle it and walked away, mumbling and he really could not take it for he kept saying: “This is so stupid.  So so stupid.”  He went on upstairs and unloaded to his brother: “This is so stupid.  I told her how to do it, why didn’t she do what I told her to do.”

I could have done 2 things.  Address his rude attitude.  I don’t need to explain to you how I was actually blessing him by making him lunch, but I could explain it to him.  I could also choose to love this boy at a time he was very distraught.  He was probably nervous about his first soccer practice ever.  He was probably also nervous about his band practice today (he is still struggling with his cool factor decreasing because of it).  Things are still new and he is on edge, rightly so.

This morning I chose the latter.  I laughed at the stupidity of it, and I laughed at the reaction of our boy which was just hilarious in a way.  I went back into the kitchen and I re-made his sandwiches for a second time (again waisting bread in the process).  This time he doesn’t know about it, and so in a little while, at school, he will open up his lunch bag and he will see his momma loves him deeply and desires to serve him.  I can imagine his response: “Oh my, she did make it right!  She fixed it.”  And he will go back to the morning and realize he was rude and awful.  And still I loved him…

 

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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