Family

Here we go again…

Rejection, unkindness, silent treatment, rolling eyes, even nastiness… all coming at me once again. It hurts, and I have been told that because I can let it hurt me, our match was successful with boy 1. Our match will also be successful with boy 2.

But it really does hurt and it really is not an easy thing.  And the next months will look just like that.  But it will come to pass. Our first boy worked through it in amazing ways and we find ourselves now having fun, joking around and spending one on one time together.  We long for that now.

Why are my emotions necessary?  The boys need to see me connect with them even if I hurt because of them.  I express my emotions healthily, they do know when I am hurt by their actions, yet I do not walk away, withdraw or get mean in return.  For some reason this is intricate to their healing.  Healthy, but difficult bonding!

I get through it because I have friends who will always receive my texts about the heaviness of it all, no matter how many of them. I get through it because Tim and I will take breaks. I get through it because friends will happily take our boys for a bit. I get through it because we did it once before, and we can do it again.  I get through it because God is not silent.

One day, we will have two boys who are better at trusting people, one day we will have two boys who know what true love is, one day we will have two boys who will return home after college because bonding did happen.  It is not too late and we pray God’s mighty power over all of us.  We all need healing, we all need to trust, we all need to know love in better and true ways.

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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It’s a sad day, and a good day…

IMG_7590 copyIt is mind blowing that a day like today can be so sweet.  God would not have it… He would not allow this day to just be sad, period!  He made sure this day would not happen without the good.

We had a court hearing for our boy today that had much potential for pain.  And there was pain.  So we sat with our boy telling him it should not be like this.  As much as we love him, and love loving him, it should not have been.  So we stood still and we felt the pain.  We mourned together, the 3 of us, at the table, crying tears. That is not the end of the story though… because of today’s happening in court, we are now able to call him ours very soon.  We can adopt our boy.  And so there were bittersweet tears. Bitterness that will turn into praise, at some point, when he is ready.

So our boy did not go back to school that day.  Instead we went to Chick Fil A for some comfort food to address the sadness. And then we went to Starbucks for a Celebration drink to address the goodness.

How beautiful a day can be, even if pain was mixed into it.

 

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Dear Sweet Boy 2,

You have already shown so much character.  I am amazed how, an almost teenager like yourself, can put in so much effort to do the right thing, for the sake of others.

I am amazed at your effort and intuition to call me daily.  You are afraid, and you tell me that.  You are afraid of what it is ahead.  You are afraid of us, you and me.  And I understand.  I tell you that I am okay with that, I am afraid too.  You and I will have to climb some mountains together, you and I will have to overcome some thunder and lightning.  But you and I, we can do that.

You are already in my heart, and I fell in love like a momma who falls in love with her newborn baby.  I like you boy 2.  I like you a lot.  Your charisma is charming, your humor hilarious, out of that little body of yours.  You are gifted just like your big brother… you are an amazing set, the 2 of you.  My prayer is that you boys will bring out in one another all the goodness that is inside, like no other person will be able to do.  I pray you will grow to have a bond that goes so deep that it brings forth power, love, forgiveness, generosity, selflessness, and peace.  The world needs you boys.  The world needs your story.

Welcome Boy 2.  Welcome…

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Ready for a mother’s heart

Our boy and I have landed somewhere I think, and we are going somewhere.  He hasn’t told me, God revealed it to me.

Our boy has been clear about boundaries: there is not to be any touch, there is no getting close, there is not too much caring accept for lattes in the morning and a strawberry banana milkshake in the afternoon.  I have had to put my heart away in some way.  I longed to touch him, to get close when he hurts, to show how much I care.  But he wasn’t ready.  Love hurt him.

In therapy I found out that our boy doesn’t know where I am at.  He is frustrated over that fact.  He even mentioned that he knows I am emotional, but he doesn’t know what that means: if that means we are in a good place, or if it means we are in a bad place. And because our boy still needs his space I have been given him that space no matter how hard.  And because our boy has the ability to really hurt other people (and me) along the way, I can’t help to get quiet at times and process what is happening in our home, making him insecure about where we are at with one another.

Today I realize he’s moving out of that place without saying so clearly, without even knowing it himself. I believe he longs for a mother’s touch.  He desperately wants to know I love him and approve of him.  But because he’s put me at a safe distance, and I have respected his boundary, he’s not had the opportunity to see my heart.  It’s made him insecure about our relationship.   And he is a child, he should not have to ask for it.  I am glad God showed me that our boy might be ready for more.  He might be ready for a mother’s heart.  He might be ready for me!

And it is scary. This boy can reject. I am going to put my heart out there in all vulnerability. I am going to love him knowing that  he has the ability to hurt me depending on where he is at on that day or in that moment. But when we get passed this, how precious it will be. We are very slowly moving towards being a family. Our boy told me last week that there is ‘being a family and having to work at being a family.’  He feels we are still in that second category and I agree. None of what we are doing feels like family, it feels like a mission and sometimes that is a hard reality when you long for family.

But than I remember what God has called us to. What my mission is in life: I am all for healing and hope.  I have experienced much of it in my life and I want to pass along God’s ability. Everyone can heal and have hope for his/her life. I want to walk along side people who need healing, I just never knew it was going to look like this: up close and personal, that it would take everything out of me, and that it would be touching and healing me at the same time.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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The roller coaster

UnknownPicture a roller coaster.  You are on it.  You go up, you go down, you even go upside down.  And there is no way to control any of it.  You can’t skip the part where you go upside down, there is no getting out, and you certainly cannot get to the controls. It is impossible to get out midstream to push the stop button or let it go faster through the lower parts or stop at the top so you can enjoy the view.  The only thing you can do is ride it out and trust the person who manages the controls.

We are on such a roller coaster ride.  Our emotions are like the roller coaster.  The journey with our boy is hard and painful.

However, our boy is booking great progress.  In the midst of crises he can now put his head on my arm.  Just for a few seconds but it is there.  We can tell his heart is healing, slowly.  Today I realize again that working out brokenness hurts.  We cannot expect our boy to heal without a battle.

Last week when I sat with Jesus He reminded me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  But there is no easy at the moment so somehow I am doing something not quite right.  All I could do in that moment was see the roller coaster and just breath through it.  There is no easy in our home but RESTORATION is written all over us.

I realize that I am doing so much caring for, that sometimes I feel like a little girl and I need some caring for me.  Because the journey is so crazy and unpredictable, my head has been full, my nights are broken, and my body is weak.  In that, it has been incredibly hard to sit and be still with God.  I was too consumed.  And all this when I know all too well I cannot do this in my own strength.  I stopped to look at my needs and I stopped to look at God’s work.

So just sitting with “My yoke is easy and My burden is light” gives me peace.  It might not be much, but maybe all I need to do is sit in it.  Without answers.  I need some care and God is the best person to turn to.  And since, I have put up pictures in our home, pictures that remind me why we do all of this.  Photos of high moments with our boy: the photo that tells me of the first time we took him to the beach and how priceless that was, the photo that reminds me of the moving speech he held at his 8th grade graduation ceremony that made parents, students and teachers cry, the memory of our boy setting up table in the middle of two rooms so he could be with both me and Tim at the same time.  I need to remember who God is in all this, why we are doing what we are doing and when I do that my eyes lift to Daddy and my yoke has just become easier and my burden got lighter.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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I forgot

‘I am barely holding on’, that is what I have been saying the last few weeks.  It felt like no one really understood the debt of what I was saying.  Even the therapist, she and friends have been telling me we are doing great.  That we are doing an awesome job in this trial with our boy.  But all I felt was exhaustion and emotions.  I was barely hanging on.

We are constantly trying to read our boy.  When he behaves a certain way we are constantly processing our best next move. When he is angry we try to find ways to love him, and we certainly try to control our feelings and anger.  It’s not an easy thing but we do not want to mess up and so we invest, invest, invest in doing the right thing and not become angry.  When our boy is disconnecting from us, our house turns into this place of tension that is sometimes unbearable.  We have to be okay with this uncomfortable feeling.  We have to be okay with our boy either loving us, or hating us.  For now, there is nothing in between.  And it changes all the time.

Today I was reminded that God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Boy, it has not felt like that at all.

I forgot.  I stopped seeing.  Seeing the truth.  Seeing God’s work.  Seeing God’s call on our life.  I am a hundred percent sure that God chose us for this boy.  And we ARE doing an amazing job with him.  And our behavior, in many ways, shows Jesus. I really feel we are being Jesus and it is so very powerful.  We are SO determined to be the difference for our boy.  We constantly remind ourselves that our boy is hurting and broken and he’s been through too much.  That is the reason for the hardship, not the boy himself.  It’s his past that get’s ‘in the way’.  So when he yells three days straight, we try to keep it together and speak with calm voices.  When he ignores me I still will speak to him and reach out knowing he is not going to even give me a glimpse.  I still make him his lattes that he loves, knowing it will go to waste because on bad days he will refuse anything I do for him.  And Jesus has given us the honor to be like Him.

But it is hard work.  It is exhausting.  My body aches and faints (literally) because I am drained.  I cry, oh I cry a lot.  Tim and I, we are working hard to hold hands through it all and not turn against each other.  Our margins are gone and if we do not watch it, we will no longer be a good team.  So we find ways to do life in the midst of all this: we ask friends to come over on days that it is hard, we go out for drinks at a bar close to us, or we just visit a batting cage and play together.  There is still life in the midst of battle.  What a precious gift to have.

Today I thought about the cross.  Jesus was never able to reach heaven without the pain of the cross.  And He could not suffer the cross without knowing what was beyond the cross, heaven and life for all.  There is no way our boy can heal without getting through all the fear, the doubt and pain.  And there is no way we will be a family without us going through the tests and the rejection of this hurting boy.  We have to let it be okay that we hurt before we get to a better place.  And very important is that we do not forget to look beyond our now.  We know where we are headed.  This boy has a great chance of healing his heart and someday even being able to do relationships to the point he can even care for a wife.  He has great desires to one day be married and have 4 children.  He is convinced that he will be a great dad.  And we are convinced that if he stays with the hard work now, that one day, yes, he will make us into very proud grandparents.

So today Jesus let me see again.  He reminded me of the bigger picture.  He reminded me that He has picked our home for this boy to heal.  He reminded me that the future is worth getting through the pain now.  He reminded me of the privilege to be Jesus like.  We just have to remember the bigger picture.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

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