Today I did something very brave.  And not because I am such a great person.  No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone.  He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.

I was waiting for that phone call.  I was waiting for that sweet word.  I was waiting for love.  But it wasn’t coming.  Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that.  For months I have been tossing over this.  Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job?  How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning?  Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again?  I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.

But there is another option.  I could put pride aside.  I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not.  I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots.  And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone.  He was gentle about it, giving me time.  He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice.  If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move.  I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year.  Nothing can happen if I do not act.  Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting.  Lots of compassion for everything I felt.  It had value.  But today I chose to move away from it.

I can put pride aside.  I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love.                    I CAN… LOVE.  And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved.  I can love this person for who she is not.  It’s not a done deal… but I will learn.  And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.

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