Do you have that sometimes, that you know God is doing something, you just don’t know what exactly? Well, I am currently in such a time. I am in a season for a reason. I just don’t know the outcome of this season, I don’t know where I am headed.
I have been struggling with some heart’s desires going unanswered. The one thing I desire most is to have peace. But coming to a place of peace when heart’s desires are involved is not easy. I want to be in a place that it doesn’t matter what happens. I want to be in a place where I trust God and I am okay with whatever happens, knowing that whatever the circumstances, God is present, real and faithful.
Praying for my heart’s desire
versus
Getting my heart in such a state that it has no will of it’s own
God is constantly pointing me to Scriptures that invite me to pray and ask. He is showing me that He will listen when I ask Him for anything in line with His will. And if I know He is listening I can also be sure that He will give me what I ask for (1 John 5:14-15). He tells me to keep on asking and I will be given what I ask for. That I need to keep on looking and I will find. I need to keep on knocking and the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7). He reminds me that if sinful people know how to give good gifts, how much more will He, my Heavenly Father, know to give good gifts to me who asks (Matthew 7:11).
So I am praying… but what I desire most is peace. I want to be okay with where I am now, regardless of my heart’s desire. When I pray for my heart’s desire it seems I run the risk of merely focusing on the things I want, getting restless in the process and getting frustrated and hurt. I don’t want to merely focus on what I want.
I have been doing this Bible study called “Experiencing God”. The study is challenging me to have my heart be in a place where it has no will. That is what I want! That is what I am talking about. I want to be in that place where I trust my Father and just be at peace with my circumstances. But… that balance is not an easy one to find and thus the season.
This is a time of waiting. Thanks to my Spiritual Direction Counselor I learned something that was very new to me. The advent. The advent is a time of waiting, expectant waiting, hopeful waiting. I learned that waiting is not something passive, it is very active. And God uses a time of waiting to draw us close. Desire is something very powerful and beautiful. A lack of fulfillment is an invitation. An invitation to open up to what God has for us. A lack of fulfillment is not just pain, it tells me I am alive for I long. This is where spiritual life comes to life. I can celebrate desiring. I can celebrate waiting, and hoping, and expecting.
I am at the place where I realize the outcome is not important, it is the journey. God is doing important things on this journey… in my heart! I can say that I rejoice in this season. Although it is hard at times, really hard even, today is a day where I find my rest in knowing God has reason for this season and I have the opportunity to draw close to Him. In the end, I believe that’s what this is all about: drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, being in relationship with Him that changes me, heals me and grows me.
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