Personal Process

Dec112013

Not what I had in mind…

The season after our wedding that I couldn’t work was interesting for me. I had always worked so hard and here I was put to a halt. While I was going through the immigration process I wasn’t allowed to work just yet. Something that was very challenging. I believe God was doing a good thing. I think He needed for me to take a deep breath, get a break and learn to have a change of pace. I learned a lot in the not doing.
When it looked like immigration was coming to it’s close I slowly started to ponder with Tim on the next. What would I want to do once I am allowed to work? I had little time to really think about this because work presented itself, from a somewhat unexpected angle.
When I left Holland I wasn’t sure what would happen to my business. I was ready to leave behind the deadlines, the work overload, the crazy hours. I was thinking I wanted to merely focus on photography and Tim’s ministry. But then in June came the call from the Dutch broadcasting company… could I come on board again? They were in a bind… and before I knew it I was doing research on a documentary in Oklahoma and not much later I found myself in Myanmar for a reality TV series that I worked on the previous seasons. And one thing led to the next. Since August I have been working on a  new reality TV series for Holland but here in the States, in the end leading to the same crazy hours and deadlines. I will say it was great to be back! Despite the crazy hours and deadlines.

For the first time I am a married working woman and that is quite different from a single working woman. It was another opportunity to learn, grow and adjust. For one, I still wanted our home to be spick and span. I still wanted to cook for Tim (uhhh, us). I still didn’t want him to have to worry about anything concerning these matters. And it was Tim who sat me down and said: “If you and I are both going to be working… you need to let me take care of some of the chores around the house.” Are you kidding me? That is not what I had in mind. But I had learned in my ‘not doing’ season that it is certainly not about the doing. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to do everything myself. I don’t and will never be wonder woman. And so my amazing husband has stepped up to the plate and been sharing in some of the chores.
For the first time I am a working woman with husband and that turned out to be a great something. When Tim started his new non-profit, he, his team and I thought I would come on board. It was that plain and simple. But as I got busy myself, we didn’t see it happen. And I had to realize that right now, my role in Tim’s ministry is providing some needed income. I do have a part, it just looks different from what we had in mind. I am grateful for this realization, I just want to have a part… whatever part that is and right now that is giving Tim more time to get the non-profit up and running. But I do take part where ever I can during meetings, brain storming and such. I always love going on a road trip with Tim because he is speaking some where or we are visiting his partners and supporters. But as it turns out, it works the other way around also. As I dove deep into research for this new reality series I found myself in very beautiful conservative circles. I found that it was more about relationship and trust building then it could be about work. And there were times where the people would look to Tim as the man and not me when it came to talking about this TV project. And so more than once Tim ended up on the road with me, for my project. And what a blessing this has been. For the first time I have a husband supporting me, my dreams and work. Tim has been amazing.
I felt such trust from Tim as I traveled around. There was so much freedom and support. And as the months passed Tim stepped in many many times and we turned out to be quite the team when it comes to working together. I experienced much much joy, besides it being pretty amazing that Tim would give me so much of his time and so much devotion to my work. One thing we know… we are best together. I am looking forward to many more projects together.
Hopefully I will be able to post some Myanmar photos on my photography Facebook page soon:
I love that you are here and I certainly love your comment! To leave a comment go HERE!
spacer
Oct102013

Besides celebration and change…

In my previous post I said that there are many updates to write, there is much to share and there are many stories to tell. When one is quiet for this long, it’s a little hard to know where to begin.

Let me start by saying that Tim and I are celebrating life. I can honestly say that life has gotten more beautiful with Tim in it.  When one marries at age 39, you can imagine the long wait there was to endure. But God saw it fit for me to wait this long. And now that ‘it’ is here… I continue to be grateful and celebrate the gift of marriage. Looking back I’d say it was worth the wait. Looking back I’d say that Tim was worth the wait. God knew what He was doing, His way was right! And for some reason… as soon as I met Tim, the long wait was forgotten. I was recently told by a friend how those words, spoken by me before, are still encouraging her in her wait.

As one can have gathered by now from reading this blog, my life was not on a bed of roses, neither was Tim’s.  And in no way did marriage take away my problems, or Tim’s. The difference is… we are together in all those ‘problems’ and that in and of itself is worth a celebration. How life has changed!

For me, getting married later in life took away that fairytale idea of marriage. And that is a good thing. Tim and I entered it pretty realistically. We didn’t get married thinking or hoping we’d be fixed by getting married, that problems would no longer be problems or that somehow marriage would make life grand and easy. I find it important to express that marriage didn’t do any of that. So, besides celebration and change, this year was full of growth and growing pains, learning and adapting.

I have come a long way in life and being married shows me I still have a long way to go. And Tim continues to remind me that we have a life time for that. He still reminds me to RELAX and have fun. Just this morning I thanked God for the perfect man He gave me. What a perfect match Tim is for me. After another restless night last night, I lay in bed awake this morning… restless.  I kept turning and sighing and groaning. Tim knows how to make a difference. He took me in his arms and said: “If you would only lie still for 5 minutes.” I attempted to lie still but kept talking, sighing and groaning. Tim continued: “I mean, lying still AND being quiet.” I decided to lean into him and his wisdom. It took everything I had in me to do just that but well and behold… I fell asleep for a little longer and in a peace I had not had all night. It’s the way Tim speaks, it’s the way he leads that blesses me tremendously. Another something that amazes me about being married is that Tim often knows how I am doing before I know it myself. He knows from a distance when I am having a rough day. How that works is a beautiful mystery to me.

Tim was worth the wait!
He knows me!
And my Heavenly Father knows me even better and loves me enough to work through my husband to make life better. 

spacer
Apr192013

Just have some fun

God really spoke to me in my fasting week. The words sound easy and yet, they are not.
 
God showed me that I work hard on our marriage, all the time!
My blog posts point it out also. I have shared in a previous post that I am a black or white person. I know no grey. I’d like to add to that that I am an all or nothing person. And that comes out in our marriage meaning I take marriage very seriously and I work hard on it, all the time. It’s a joy to do so, but I do get tired at times.
 
God confronted me on that and told me to ‘JUST HAVE FUN’. Tim’s been telling me for weeks to RELAX and I never understood really what he meant. Well, now I know. He and God were saying the same thing: I need to ‘just have fun’.
 
 
 
There is a problem with that though… I don’t know too well how to relax, how to ‘just have fun’. All my life I have worked so hard. My childhood was filled with abuse, pain and survival. In my twenties I worked hard on overcoming my past and healing. My thirties were focused on my career and company. And frankly, that brings me to here.
 
So my prayer to God has been: ” Father, I hear what you say. I don’t know how to just have fun. So please take me by the hand and show me how to ‘JUST HAVE FUN’.”
 
I am excited. Really excited. My Father tells me to have fun. What a great Father. He doesn’t want me working hard all the time. He wants me to trust Him that He is part of our marriage too, and He will help us stay on track. I don’t need to constantly pay attention to whether or not we are doing well. As I ponder on this I am seeing a father holding his girl’s hand, twirling her, directing her to the playground, making her smile and telling silly jokes. The girl has no care in the world.
 
I am ready to just have some fun !
 
 
 
spacer
Apr082013

High Standards – I don’t want the honeymoon phase to be over… ever

So I hear people say that all that I am feeling and doing is normal. Sometimes Tim and I differ in the area of ‘normal’. He realizes our love will be steady while we may not always feel close. I am still working on always feeling close. Tim explains to me that life will ‘get in the way’ and our focus will be outside of our home too. I still like to think my first and foremost responsibility lies at home.  Tim’s love is steady. In the midst of a not so nice moment he will say: “I love you” and: “We are okay.” There is truth in what he is saying but sometimes it is hard for me to say those words.

I want to continue to have high standards for our marriage and for who I am in this marriage and how I contribute. Okay, so my reactions you read about in that post may be normal… in the human sense. But I know God is calling me to a higher calling. He laid out what love is and what it looks like. That is not near what we humans make of it. Yes, we will fail, I will fail and I will need to extend grace to myself just like Tim is extending me grace. But I will not let go of the standard God gave me regarding the true meaning of love.
People talk about the honeymoon phase, the phase where everything not only seems easy, it is easy! It is easy to think about the other person. It is easy to sacrifice. It is easy to hug and hold hands. It is easy to spoil the other person with little gestures. Everything seems to go without effort. And ‘all of a sudden’ all those things that were simple to do and happened quite automatically, do not seem so automatic anymore. And we forget about the other person. We now think that what we want is what needs to happen, even if the significant other has other plans or ideas. Sacrificing moves to the background and we focus more and more on ourself. (I realize I am writing very black and white. For those of you who do not know me very well (yet), I am a black or white person. Often I do not know grey. Tim is trying to be my balance in that 😉  )
The honeymoon phase is dear to my heart. I like to believe that the honeymoon phase is not a phase, but maybe every newlywed feels that way. I am just not ready to accept that our honeymoon phase is over.  I am not ready for marriage to become more of a routine. I am not ready to let go of feeling close most of the time. I think Tim and I are a nice balance in that area. He brings in reality. I bring in ‘keeping it up’. The things that used to happen on it’s own… I don’t want to lose those things and I realize as time passes, they become work. In my opinion we need to remind ourselves of the honeymoon phase and work hard on keep doing what we were doing back in that season. I would like to work hard so that our marriage will not become a routine. I believe that now that Tim and I are without children… this IS the time for us to keep up the endearing things that put that smile on our face, that gave us that warm fuzzy feeling for one another. We still have a schedule that allows this, there are no distractions. If we are blessed with children at some point… I can imagine we get distracted by lots of things.
And what I wrote in this post was very real. I am surprised how we go from really good days to days where connecting is a bit of work. And I am not like Tim: I have a hard time saying ‘I love you’ when we are not that close and when I am not feeling great. Classic, right? Something that is very normal, married people tell me. And this brings me back to high standards. At no time is it okay for me not to say ‘I love you’ just because it is hard for me. Love stays, love is my choice. And when Tim isn’t feeling great and it comes out in our relationship, it is not okay for me to be short with him just because he is. No matter how hard, I want to get good at this. I don’t want to withdraw when he is withdrawn. I don’t want to forget to extend grace when he most needs it.
And to get the worries out of the way: Tim and I are well. We just celebrated our 6 month anniversary this weekend!  We are in a good place. I am just writing all this to be real. Marriage is hard work. Marriage is good work. I love marriage. And Tim and I have a good balance. We have plenty of fun. We relax. We exercise together. We nap on a Sunday. We hang out with really cool friends. We love our family and spending time with them.
A favorite and weekly event… hanging out with the Kolmans
 
Dear friends, and always sure of good content with them

Never enough family time… (feeding them a Dutch meal)

 

I don’t like to miss Tim’s soccer games
Going out on walks in the neighborhood in our dorky protection overcoats
We drive out to NYC to meet my old colleagues

We see an opportunity to take a photo at odd times
Working in the home office, always a joy
Sunday morning… we’d like to see some Dutch soccer before heading out to church

We hang out with family at the doctor’s office
Lots of time is spend at the gym
Coffee shop visit… also a favorite
We love a family visit
Or a visit from overseas
Celebrating 6 months this past weekend!! It’s been a wonderful 6 months. I regret nothing and am VERY grateful for this amazing gift of joy and love in my life.
spacer
Feb272013

Love isn’t a feeling

Jesus gave us a great example of Love.
Why, then, is it so hard to be like Him?
Jesus’ love is:
Unconditional.
Literally dying to self.
Perfect.
And I know I cannot be Jesus, I cannot be perfect. But He gave an example over and over again. Why is it hard to follow?
It was bound to happen right? Me learning to love Tim when he’s not so in tune with where I am at, or when he makes that odd remark or makes a joke at the wrong time. It is actually really hard. It is hard to be disciplined about loving him when I really feel like walking away because I feel hurt by him.
But what rights do I have?
What is Love?
What is my role?
Let me just say… I am learning a lot… again… still…
Tim’s change of work and ministry has brought him into a rough season; a season where he is not always his happy, cheery self. This is why I need to step up to the plate and perhaps give more, and certainly love when he is falling short. Tim’s been short with me a few times, and I certainly get it… he deserves grace in this season that came rather abruptly. And yet… I lack. I fail.
I hoped I would never be like this. I am embarrassed to admit, but I want to walk away when I get hurt. I want to move to the other side of the couch (and I have) when I hurt. I have a desperate need to protect myself from pain.
I have never had a man devoted to me. I have never been married, and so now I may put way too much responsibility on Tim. It’s so wonderful to have someone who loves me, physically around. But with that comes that I depend too much on Tim to love me and make me feel good. So when he made a bad call a few times in a row, I turned around and separated myself from him. Not good! I even felt God guide me back in toward Tim, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t disciplined. I wasn’t the graceful wife. I wasn’t the loving wife. All I wanted was to be alone and deal with it alone.
I am realizing I always need God first, before I need Tim. Tim cannot and will not ever satisfy me. He is also not responsible for me. In a way, sure he is, but at the root he really isn’t. So while I enjoy human love for the first time, I kind of fall into the trap of thinking this makes Tim responsible for my well being and me feeling love. It wasn’t without reason that I put in my vows that “I realize that love isn’t a feeling. It will be my choice.”
So God is kindly pointing out His truth and His good ways. They are better than my thoughts, truths and ways.
Tim and I went to this marriage conference a few weeks back. It was our first 😉 and what struck me most is when Paul Tripp said: “Women, you love your husband because God loved you first.” And: “So you don’t love your husband when he is good to you. No! You especially love him when he fails, because God loved you first. You possess everything you need to love your husband.” It struck me! It pointed me to my need for Jesus. Yes, it may be hard to choose love when I am not feeling it, but when I choose and am disciplined to call out to Jesus, He will be faithful and make it possible, right there in that moment. I posses everything I need to love my husband and love him well.
Jesus’ love was sacrificial. Maybe true love is love that hurts a little. For Jesus it meant given everything. It hurt. It wasn’t easy. He even asked His Father if there wasn’t a different way (Matthew 26:39). It meant sacrificing His life so we can have ours, and we didn’t deserve it. Paul Trip mentioned that love isn’t really love until it is sacrificing for the good on another, especially when the other doesn’t deserve it. So I truly love Tim when it costs me something.
I need to treasure God’s love over my husband’s love. I need to go after God’s love before going after my husband’s love. Love isn’t about me getting from my husband, it is about me loving Him well. And in turn it means loving Tim when he ‘deserves’ it least. I know Tim does the same for me and THAT makes a good marriage.
I love because God loved me first.
I possess everything I need to love my husband well.
Love is still not a feeling. It will be my choice.
I need to treasure God’s love over my husband’s love.
True love costs a little. True love is sacrificial.
spacer
Feb062013

Receiving versus Giving

I am a giver. Due to being raised in a broken home I have learned to fend for myself. I was always inventive, took initiative and wasn’t waiting for people to do things for me. Being single till age 39 enforced that even more. I was simply not used to people caring for me. I don’t think that necessarily says something about the people around me. Even with the people who did care and gave, it was hard for me to receive and see. When someone was in need I would be there before even having been asked. I just notice need. It is a good trait. I am the person who thinks “your burden is my burden”.
And now I am married. I am married to a good man. A man who cares in sweet ways, a man to whom giving comes easily, a man who also sees need. My man loves me and wants to care for me and sees my need.
We knew we needed time to get into certain routines after we got married. The first weeks of our marriage I was the one to get up and making us breakfast and coffee, and I served Tim. I loved it. But Tim began another routine. He felt I was serving him so often that he thought it was a good thing if he would get up first in the morning to make me tea and fresh OJ. So that is what he does. He serves me, he brings me tea and OJ upstairs where I enjoy another 30 minutes in the bed by myself as he gets ready for his day.
Like I said, Tim desires to take care of me. And I will share that this is still not easy for me. I lie in bed awake and wait for him to serve ME?! I spoke with my dear friend Yvonne from Holland the other day. She knows my past and felt the need to remind me (again) of the fact that I needed some ‘caring for’ for a while. I just need to receive and I know she is right. I know God is teaching me in this. He is making me more whole. But besides making me more whole, it also reminds me of the fact that this is who Jesus is. He just gives! All I can do is receive. There is no giving on my part involved.
Jesus didn’t come because I asked. I didn’t see a need, and still He came to the world, to me, FOR me to grab hold of. I know that when I take in this truth and live every day from that perspective, I will be in a better place. I will breathe more easily, I will have rest and be at peace. From that good things come.
So as I am embracing Tim’s care for me, I realize his care is a true picture of Jesus loving me.
spacer