Marriage

Feb152013

I Love Valentine’s Day

Yesterday or any day before I would not have said I love Valentine’s Day. I feel it is a commercialized day which lots of people going crazy with money and the only people who benefit are store owners. Yes, that is truly how I felt. I don’t like to do things that have lost the true reason for the season (or day). Maybe it’s because I was single all those years. Maybe because I had no one to share deep love with that made Valentine’s Day meaningless. But even as Valentine’s Day came closer and closer my feelings didn’t change. I didn’t want Tim to feel he had to spend money on gifts and such. I wanted to express my love for him, but in a Maddy way which was probably with home made things like baking love heart cookies or something.

I started writing this blog post yesterday and see there is not much love for Valentine’s Day: Since last year Valentine’s Day became actually special. Still, I would say I am not crazy about this day. I refuse to spend much money, that is NOT what this day is about. I refuse! But I couldn’t help to think about ways I could let Tim know he is special to me. But Tim’s love language is not ‘words’ so writing him a card is not the way. 🙁 This is sad to me because I am all about the written word.

And now a day later, the day after Valentine’s Day I would say it is an amazing day. A wonderful day. A Lovely day. It is a day where love is spread and communicated in sweet ways. Tim is amazing at it! And I would be crazy to not embrace that. So yes, it was probably my singleness that gave no meaning to this day. Because now, now I get it!

I felt so joyous. I felt such love from Tim and for Tim. Tim really gave the day meaning and in the best (and inexpensive) of ways showed me love. I felt it all very deep in my heart.

Without discussing the day much we both found sweet ways to love on each other. Tim had asked me weeks ago if it would be okay if we celebrated Valentine’s Day with friends and I thought it was a great idea. Tim knows I love surprises and so that is all I knew about it. This in and of itself blessed me. Tim knew keeping things a secret would bless my heart.

In the morning my tea and OJ were accompanied by love heart straws. Such a simple and cheap way for him to show me his love and it spoke volumes of “I think of you today in special ways. You matter!” Then I walked downstairs and I stumbled upon this gigantic card. I had seen those cards in the store (remember, in my pre-Valentine’s Day attitude) and I thought: “Yeah right, 6 dollars for a mega card like that, that will have no place in the home in the end.” Well the card HAS a place in our home for now. Even though Tim’s love language isn’t words, he lacked no creativity when he wrote this card. And this, this made my day.

We spend a lovely day together, me still getting over me being sick. We went for a little walk in Longwood Gardens where Tim was very patient with me when I wanted to take photos (of him). Another way he shows me love. Patience communicates love people!

When we got home I found this by our door:

I was amazed Tim had more in store for me. I was fully satisfied with the straws, and the card. This just blew my mind. I had not expected it and Tim really did an awesome job of being my husband and showering me with his love. He got me Dutch tulips! With a card that had a sentence from his vows to me. How precious and meaningful. Thought through, through and through. You can imagine my change of heart right?

And I knew what I had up my sleeve for later. I was going to make a love heart trail to our decorated bedroom where he would find a romantic scene with champagne, love heart brownies and our vows in frames.

Altogether it was a sweet day. A day that changed my look on Valentine’s Day.

I did think of my single friends and family and felt for them. I know for many of them it is an awkward day. You try to focus on God, knowing His will is best, but that can be hard on a day like this. So I prayed for you girls. Know that!

Melissa was extremely happy for me yesterday, my first Valentine’s day with Tim and she wrote me this: “Ido feel like this day is a gift to me as far as your life story goes. I always felt so burdened to try to make it special for you– and to let you know how loved you were (are!). But now I know that will be MORE than taken care of by the BEST person possible.”

And she is right… Melissa did think of me, her single friend, on Valentine’s Day. Now I will take on that burden for my single loved ones…

Our plans got changed last night. Our friend Kristin was sick and so the romantic plans Jason made felt through. We ended up hanging with awesome Joe and Joy. That is always good fun!

Love is in the air with these two…

I remember last year… Last year, 9 days before Valentine’s Day, I walked into who would soon be my husband. Being an ocean apart, he sent me flowers and the most meaningful card, having selected his words carefully.

This year, we were together, as husband and wife, for the very first time. Valentine’s Day, in a way, I hope is a day like any other. The effort we make today, I hope we make every day.

Feb132013

Conscious Cuddles

It is beautiful to see how Tim and I develop certain patterns and ways in our lives together. We were looking forward to this taking place, realizing you don’t just sit down with one another and decide on how to do things. No, it’s something that comes into existence without much effort. It just happens. Suddenly you realize you are doing something that really works.

I know we are still newlyweds but I sure
hope this will not merely be a ‘newlywed thing’. I can’t wait to get to bed at night. It’s such a joy to be together after having been separated for a day and each of us having done our own thing. Reuniting at night is very sweet and something I look forward to. And once in bed I can’t wait to wake up in the morning. And we have gotten into this routine where neither one of us gets up before CC’s, conscious cuddles. Yes, something like ‘conscious cuddles’ exists in our home. No matter how tired at night, we always have our cuddles and prayers before going to sleep. And no matter how busy and filled up our day is, we make sure we set the alarm clock early enough we can have our CC’s. It really is a sweet thing. This is one of our habits that slipped in and I sure celebrate this about us. I trust we develop more routines and habits like this.

Feb062013

Receiving versus Giving

I am a giver. Due to being raised in a broken home I have learned to fend for myself. I was always inventive, took initiative and wasn’t waiting for people to do things for me. Being single till age 39 enforced that even more. I was simply not used to people caring for me. I don’t think that necessarily says something about the people around me. Even with the people who did care and gave, it was hard for me to receive and see. When someone was in need I would be there before even having been asked. I just notice need. It is a good trait. I am the person who thinks “your burden is my burden”.

And now I am married. I am married to a good man. A man who cares in sweet ways, a man to whom giving comes easily, a man who also sees need. My man loves me and wants to care for me and sees my need.

We knew we needed time to get into certain routines after we got married. The first weeks of our marriage I was the one to get up and making us breakfast and coffee, and I served Tim. I loved it. But Tim began another routine. He felt I was serving him so often that he thought it was a good thing if he would get up first in the morning to make me tea and fresh OJ. So that is what he does. He serves me, he brings me tea and OJ upstairs where I enjoy another 30 minutes in the bed by myself as he gets ready for his day.

Like I said, Tim desires to take care of me. And I will share that this is still not easy for me. I lie in bed awake and wait for him to serve ME?! I spoke with my dear friend Yvonne from Holland the other day. She knows my past and felt the need to remind me (again) of the fact that I needed some ‘caring for’ for a while. I just need to receive and I know she is right. I know God is teaching me in this. He is making me more whole. But besides making me more whole, it also reminds me of the fact that this is who Jesus is. He just gives! All I can do is receive. There is no giving on my part involved.

Jesus didn’t come because I asked. I didn’t see a need, and still He came to the world, to me, FOR me to grab hold of. I know that when I take in this truth and live every day from that perspective, I will be in a better place. I will breathe more easily, I will have rest and be at peace. From that good things come.

So as I am embracing Tim’s care for me, I realize his care is a true picture of Jesus loving me.

Jan302013

No Rush

Often people ask me how I will serve Tim in his ministry life– in what way will I come along side him? I have been asked the same question when it comes to our church life– in what way do we desire to serve?

Tim and I are both servants. We love to help out and do things for other people. We have no lack there. When we became members in our church we were given a list of places to serve and I felt like taking them all on.

But I am in no rush. I realize I have gone through many changes over the past 12 months and I am still processing this. I need time. I love the States and it’s the place to be for me, but after having been in Holland for years and rebuilding life there, it’s quite the adjustment to live here again. I need time. Married life is beautiful, I am loving life, but at the same time this too is a major adjustment. I need time.

Tim and I were very intentional about getting people involved during our dating season and engagement. We wanted people to come alongside us and have a deep look at who we are, what we were doing and where we were going. People who knew us well. We loved doing our marriage counseling both in Holland and in the States— we couldn’t get enough input. We both want to build something healthy, strong and fun. A firm foundation is important to us. And building that foundation is not something that is built in that premarital season alone. In that dating season you work through things, and you talk about what you want married life to look like, but it isn’t until after the vows are taken, that we actually put things into practice. We have been very real about creating healthy patterns in our relating to one another and building our family, but of course old patterns do come to the surface as you truly start doing life together, and for us that was after exchanging our vows on our wedding day. It’s not till you live under one roof that you really get to see someone’s habits and ways. And thus building that healthy and strong foundation is something that is happening now more than ever, and it’s something I want to be really aware of and concentrate on. And that being said, in all these changes this past year, and now working on our foundation, I have not been in a rush to take on anything else.

Of course we talk a lot about Tim’s ministry life and how I fit in. There are times for sure when we work on things together regarding his work. To be honest, I can’t wait to get to Gabon and meet his Gabonese family. I always tell people I know Tim’s work on paper, but I really want to see it ‘live’. We did take a road trip to some of his US church partners in November and that was a great way to see him at work. It got me excited. My hands are aching to get to work. But for now we are limited. I can’t leave the US until my immigration process is completed and for now that won’t be for another 4 months or so. I am not allowed to work just yet– another immigration ‘issue’. And that just fits right into us being able to build that foundation we desire. I love that I have this time to just be and adjust. I love that Tim is in no rush and gives me all this time.

And I am not worried. With our personalities we will always be on the look out to help others, come alongside those who are in need, acknowledge our neighbors. Just not in a formal role. And I think that is wise, for now.

Jan232013

STOP!

Often I am impressed with my husband, some time in December was one of those times I was really impressed with him. Tim understands the concept of leading our family, and for now, that is me. He took the lead in something that was REALLY important. I am so grateful I married a man who listens closely to God’s heart, wisdom and ways. And when it comes to me, Tim wants to do right by me and be my helpmate. Sometimes that means taking a strong lead.

Both of our lives have changed drastically in a short period of time, but I think it is fair to say my life changed more than Tim’s life did. I moved across the ocean, I gave up family and friends, I gave up the home I loved, bought and remodeled, I gave up my production company, and thus my career, if you will. Now, I gave all this up willingly and, to be honest, it was easy to give up. Tim is God’s gift to me and everything in me knew that. There was only one way to go and that was to go west and forward. As we are working on my immigration process I am somewhat up in the air with things. I am not allowed to work and am adjusting to our new life. That is not always easy. And thus Tim prays a lot for me and is trying to figure out my needs in all of this.

The morning after God told me to ‘just walk and not talk’, Tim came downstairs and said he had been thinking and praying a lot about what’s right for me these days. I am no longer working, and according to Tim, not using my talents like I used to. Besides… I was so concentrated on him, our home and the homemaking, there had to be more. Tim had been praying and said the following: “I have made a decision about something. I love all that you do for me. You take such good care of me. Your dinners are amazing! Our home is taken care of! You are awesome! But I just really sense you need to stop some of that. So for this coming week I don’t want you to clean, cook, bake, do laundry or do any type of grocery shopping. I can do more, and I don’t need to be made into a lazy person. I will pick up some chores while you just go out and enjoy yourself. Go see Melissa, go out for walks (knowing that is what I love to do) and I think you need to start picking up your camera and start taking photos again. You do know that I love you no matter what, right? Not because of all you do.’ Little did Tim know that God had already told me to stop ‘the doing’ the day before. That I was still processing, but now for Tim to basically tell me the same thing was a hard pill to swallow. I knew he was right. He led it in such a powerful, strong and loving way that I knew he wasn’t asking. He was hearing from our Lord. And there is nothing more beautiful than to follow a husband who is not afraid to take the lead and can be trusted. And so I followed.

The first few days I was doing really well with it. I started to rest, and boy did I need a rest after all the doing and after all the life changing events. What a relief that he was giving me a break. But after a few days, it started to get harder and harder. I felt so guilty. How could I not do anything for us? Tim was working long, hard days in his home office, and I couldn’t stand to see him make his own lunch, tidy up the house or make sure dinner was on the table.

And then I had to be honest… I was not only trying to earn God’s love, I was trying to earn Tim’s love as well. Oh my, not a good thing! It felt like Tim had stripped me of everything, and yet his love was steady. A steady love I have never experienced before. So no dear one, I was not so sure of your love. I guess I did not know you’d love me even if I do nothing. I did not know that my actions do not influence your love for me. We have talked about it since and the new concept is slowly reaching my heart– I know I can trust this.

I am excited to grow in this area and I know this isn’t about Tim stopping me when I go overboard. This is about finding balance. It is about healing. And so I not only embrace the word LISTEN, I also embrace NOT DOING!

Oct062012