Hope

Nov062017

In His eyes

The lady who touched Jesus’ cloak and was instantly healed. Jesus stopped in His tracks and asked: “Who was the one who touched me?” This woman had to confess it was her, in front of all the crowd. Rising shame. Would He be mad? Would the people laugh? Would they make fun of her?

I am watching, I’m part of the crowd. I want to choose the woman’s side and stand by her but I am too worried about the crowd singling me out with her. So I don’t. But I know what it is like to stand alone. Surely she shouldn’t have to. But I am too scared to be made fun of. I won’t risk it! So either way I don’t feel good. It’s either pain and quilt or shame and fear.

But there is a good I can choose.

Good.

There is good. What is it? Surely walking up to this woman laying in the dust, feeling so alone… afraid… ashamed… not knowing what she did was allowed. Shame weakening her. I reach out, one arm reaching underneath hers, one hand reaching for her hand. She gets up in the steadiness of my body. I let her lean into mine. She’s no longer alone. If there is to be any shaming, we’ll be shamed together.

We’re deadly afraid, not knowing what’s to come. Both trembling on our feet, our hands shaking. And then… there He is. We face the Lord. And even though the crowd is loud and rowdy, mocking us, we see it in His eyes. The woman, now my friend, has done what is good. And I have chosen what is best. We no longer hear the crowd. The crowd has no meaning to us. Because… it is in His eyes. Her and I are one. I’m grateful for what she did, her courage. Without her I would not know His eyes. I did not lose out. I guess I was courageous too.

~ For I know the plan I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. ~

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Aug282017

From special to glorious

I wish, I wish, I wish I could have taken pictures last night. Instead I just took in the most precious moment. Imagine your children gathering around YOU as parents, to pray for you! That is what happened last night…

We had our annual Last Day of Summer ~ First Day of School Dinner Party last night. It is nothing big but just another reason for a party. And I want to make this special, special attention for our season changing and children growing. With that come some small gifts that are suited for the new school year and more importantly, personal notes from mom and dad.

It was fun, and endearing. Our girl starting COLLEGE, feeling like she’s not alone and huge joy over what seems a small gift. But we knew what she wanted and so her joy was great. Probably because we just paid enough attention to her small desires. Boy 1… we are there!! We got him a shaving kit because it is time. Today dad will teach him. We could no longer let him go to High School without taking care of those furry hairs under his chin and the dark mustache on top. Boy 2, was he in for a big surprise… Freshman’s we give locker fillers like emergency foods when sugar is dropping, things that make you smell good like deodorant, and chapstick and tissues for the winter. But in the very bottom of his new lunch bag was a PHONE. He’s been begging for it since he came to us but with life being complicated enough we did not want to add any complications, and adding a phone brings stress, fights and discussions. We were not ready until now. So his gift was actually huge and as it was unwrapped tears flowed richly, for him and me. So precious.

We moved from outside to inside for dessert and before we devoured that, Tim gave time to pray for each and every child. Our girl going first, and I called on the boys… “Listen to the Spirit” I said, “See, what He may want to say through you” and we prayed. And down the line we went to pray for Boy 1 and lastly Boy 2. I was amazed when all 3 jumped in to pray for one another, and some things were right on when it came to encouraging each other. After praying, something did not feel finished to me, I felt that maybe it was time for Tim and me to humble ourselves and get very small in front of God, asking Him for help, asking for Him to continue to grow us in the roll of parenthood. But something stopped me and we sat in silence. That is when Boy 1 stood up. He told Tim and me to sit down in the ‘hot seat’ as he wanted to pray for US. He gathered his siblings, their hands on us as each took a turn to praise God for us. They praised God for finally knowing love, for their healing and growth since being part of our family. For having parents who do not give up and always believing in them. And then they prayed for energy: “God, please give them energy to keep doing what they are doing for us.” We were all emotional for we all felt the depth of the moment.

I realize we are a crazy bunch, I also realize we are a very special bunch. Being surrounded by these 3 precious hearts who have it in them to make a special evening into a glorious one! And then we turned on music and we danced danced danced…

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Jan182017

When all you should do is watch your child hurt

Our boy is in darkness. And we’re getting worried. It started 3 weeks ago and lots of it, everything actually, makes perfect sense now. It started with bad behavior to the point it was hard to like him, to the point it was hard to be around him. The anger coming out of him, at unexpected and ‘unreasonable’ times, was hard, because it was constant. With very direct arrows at the people around him, ouch! The boundaries we set up were disregarded. And then we saw him get dark, truly dark. He could no longer care.

And I was reminded that our boy is not a boy with behavioral problems. He is in pain! And I became aware I need to rise above my own feelings, my anger, and my exhaustion. This boy needs someone, please someone, to see past his behavior. And we are there now.

And we pick our words carefully, and just repeat them multiple times a day. “You can be in a foul mood, that is okay. You can be angry, you just can’t hurt people in the process, okay! But we can give you space.” And: “You will get better. You will be okay again.” And: “I am so so sorry you are hurting my boy. It is so hard to watch but this will come to pass. I am right here.” and when I say those words, I always cry. Most importantly, I sit with our son. I just sit with him as he is indifferent. I just sit with him as he is dark. I hug him, knowing I touch his soul even though nothing tells me any of what I do enters him. But I know God, I know LOVE, it will not go unnoticed. God’s love always finds a way, in His timing.

And the few sentences that are spoken by our boy, they give us a lot of information. Worrisome information. Yes, there is very deep pain. And we are concerned. He is 16 years old and it’s not even been 2 years since he’s been with us. He’s not even had 2 full years of stable life in his life. I go back to the things I know… such pain.

The biggest gift we can give our children is to not want to change anything. Although difficult for everyone involved, he is right where he needs to be. This is inside him regardless. This is the place to be right now, where healing gets room. I’d rather him do this important part now, with us, then somewhere down to road, alone or with his spouse. And I know what to do, I was there myself many many times. I know what to do in darkness, I know what it feels like. I do know what he needs. And even though he gives nothing, I love him and that is a crucial piece of information for his heart. His momma will always love him. That is simply my job. Not because I am special, but because he is.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories.

Nov162016

It’s a glorious day

fullsizerender We cannot begin to describe what the past 4 days have been like here in CO. God has done so much and brought amazing gifts. Never could we have thought it would be this emotional, this perfect, this hard and this healing. Through it all we have lived on an amazing high.

The boys have had amazing reunions with people of their past. Only God could have known and done all these miracles leading up to boy 1’s adoption.

Our boy is ready, so very ready. Our prayer is that as he slams the ‘hammer’ to make his adoption final, God separates him from the past and bores him into the future. Let it be a Holy Spirit moment for him.

You can watch the ceremony by clicking right HERE as we broadcasted LIVE via Facebook.

Part One (only 3 minutes) Part Two (the majority of the hearing) Reception Speeches

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories.

Nov122016

Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

I heard some footsteps on the top floor. “Ah, someone must have woken up” I thought. I made my way up and I saw boy 1. I guided him back to his room and I kissed him, I stroke his head and wished him good morning. Then I broke the rules, just to show him I love him dearly. I grabbed his device from the other room and brought it to him. His smile was so big, he knew I was making an exception, the one where we do not allow devices in the bed room. Then he said: “Mom, you can stay here if you want….” When a child says that, at least our child, he is not saying, he is asking! And so I climbed in his bed and we cuddled. “Mom, I just do not know how I am going to feel on Monday.” And we talked about the big day coming up.

“I have been dreaming about this day for years. I have wanted this day for years but now I just don’t know how I am going to feel.”

These moments are precious. So very precious and there really is nothing better in my life then a moment like this where one of our boys just connects in the deepest way. I feel our hearts attach, I feel welcomed and all walls, all fear, all mistrust is gone.

We are in Colorado for boy 1’s adoption hearing. We are adopting boy 1 on Monday November the 14th. That day 2 years ago we met him for the very first time. So we are blessed with our hearing taking place on that very special date.

A few weeks ago, in preparation for this trip, I asked both boys to make me a list of places they wanted to go, people they wanted to see and things they needed to smell, touch, taste or hear. I made no promises, I just said I would work hard to get all the things on their list organized. Thursday would be boy 1’s day, Friday we’d focus on boy 2. And so it was.

The days have been long and very emotional. And our boys… they get through it like champs. One thing they do is amazing… they share how hard it it so see certain people and places. How it is good but it also brings up painful memories. Especially boy 2 usually processes on his own: he gets quite and plays basketball. But during this trip he continuously invites us in. He wants to share. Both boys are feeling it, they are truly allowing the pain of the past to surface, and we do this trip as a family. Hurt is carried by us all and the pain in on the move.

I am forever grateful for the people who were willing to go out of their way to give of their time. But this was not a one way affair. We have seen people run towards the boys, we have had past teachers cry at this reunion, we have heard from each and every person how the boys affected them!!!!! Boys that were rejected, over and over again, are meeting with people who have ALWAYS recognized how unique they are.

I am so proud of these boys and I pray that after these many reunions, they realize it was never about them. They were never rejected because of who they are! I am also proud of them because they were strong. They endured severe pain and I look at them today and see how they fought to stay alive, how they fought to keep hope, trusting that good was in their future.

And here we are… boy 2 is awake now too. I guide him back to his room, also with his device and soon I carry up lattes and tuck them in. We have a few hours before we start connecting again with the people of their past.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Oct262016

Self-diagnosed HSP

“It is not easy to be me” is something I actually say out loud, and recently more frequently. In that I find myself needing some answers. I want answers as it feels that answers will make things more bearable some how.

Something grabbed my attention last week and I decided to research. I came across somebody talking about HSP, a highly sensitive person, and the way these people were described… I was described. And what a comfort it gave me. I have been telling Tim quite often that I just feel I need to get away, alone, just for a few days. There is this deep need to get my batteries recharged. I am thinking that if I just take some time away, I will come back energized. But I understand, that Tim doesn’t understand. And it’s not that I need a break from him, or from the boys, in some way I need a break from life.

The more I read, the more I made sense. And then I took some online tests and they all showed that I am an HSP. HSP is not a disorder. It’s not bad, it’s not good, but the world would sure be less of a place without HSP’s. They (I) think deeply, they (I) feel deeply, and seek meaning in everything. They (I) reveal deeply, they (I) are (am) creative, and emotions like love and joy are felt intensely, they are beautiful intense emotions. HSP’s are often extroverts but because they need down time, they are often perceived as introverts. Their depth of processing cannot be seen by others, and because their processing goes so deeply they get overstimulated. They also think constantly; memories keep coming up and I have always wondered why I would still think about what seem silly and unimportant moments from the far away past. And because they (I) take in everything that they (I) see, feel, taste and hear, they (I) do need alone time regularly. Downtime, a rest from all the impulses is a necessity.

And here I am, feeling just different from the people around me. Feeling the need to explain at least to my husband why I’d rather stay home. Or why after having spend days on end with people, or why after a busy afternoon with the boys watching some TV while I was on the computer in the same room, I am simply exhausted. It means I’d like to retrieve to my bed with no noise, no lights, without anything or anyone to take care of. But I can’t explain, I have not been able to make sense of it.

Frankly, I am not 100% sure I am an HSP, but for now I will keep reading about it, and I will keep getting comfort out of what I am reading. And whatever is going on with me, whoever I am, one thing is clear: I want to learn to fully embrace who I am.

That regular break from life seems unrealistic and yet, today I understand that this may be who I am and I may actually find a way to just get away on a regular basis. And in my day to day, I may find that downtime is the key to everything.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real. Go HERE for more stories.