From hopeless to hope.
From hurting to healing.
From surviving to living.
From crying to laughing.
That is my story. It wasn't easy.
The road of healing is the hardest one to choose. Sometimes it seems easier to bury or hide. But healing and recovery are possible. With God all things are possible! But it doesn't mean God does for us. It is my experience that I had to choose and work hard myself, with God on my side. God doesn't fix for me, He fixes through me. It is a painful process worth living.
The story continues.
The chapter may be closed.
The book however isn't.
I have reached the wonderful chapter of marriage.
2012 was my year. I love sharing life now and never want to forget what God has given me and done for me. Redemption is a word that was said most on our wedding day. We each have suffered much and God deserves all praise for having been faithful and leading in times of trouble. He overcame and His redemptive power is amazing and I want to witness to that. We do not live for ourselves but for Him.
Like I said, the story continues.
With it's ups and downs. Embracing that journey is what makes life life. It's not important where I go, it's how I go.
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, till her vindication shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a young woman, so will your Builder marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
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It may be clear to you now… God is doing a deep thing in me. Yes there is hurt but only for the soul purpose of coming out on the better side. Yesterday a portion of hurt was added to my life. It is interesting how one can hurt so badly, yet be very aware of God’s work and His grace.
Yesterday I knew I needed to hurt and feel every emotion that rose to the occasion. There was anger, disappointment, sadness, grief. But I also knew I would wake up in the morning and Hope would join me. Throughout the day yesterday there was never just one emotion. There wasn’t just the pain. No, I could clearly see my blessings and celebrate them. That is such a neat experience. And that is God’s grace!
There is something very beautiful to letting yourself go ‘there’. To not be afraid of pain. At times, it really is good to just be there. Period. I have had people tell me to not dwell on the past. When I have hurt, I have had people step in and tell me all the good things that lay ahead. Apart from the pain, I just don’t understand why people are so afraid of it. Why is there such a need to get away from it as soon as possible? Do people not know there is beauty in pain? That there is beauty in ashes?
Because it is in that pain that God can do amazing things. It is in that pain that God can show that He truly is God and good. It is in pain that God has a way of showing Himself. It is in pain we can show God we truly believe and follow. In pain there is true worship.
And so today I am reminded to let His love seep into the inner recesses of my being. To not close off any part of myself from Him. He knows me inside and out, so I will not try to present a ‘cleaned-up’ version of myself to Him. Wounds that I shut away from the Light of His love will fester and become wormy. So I open myself fully to His transforming Presence.
~ Sarah Young’s Devotional ‘Jesus Calling’ ~
And as I hurt God tells me: ” Come to me continually. I am meant to be the Center of your consciousness, the Anchor of your soul. Your mind will wander from Me, but the question is how far you allow it to wonder.” ~ Sarah Young’s Devotional ‘Jesus Calling’ ~ This tells me it is okay to hurt… it is okay to go there. But as I do this, I should not shut out God’s truth. There is never just pain.
It was hard getting home. Tim and I had such a good month away that I was sad to go home, and once home I was even sad to be home. I needed time to adjust.
It was interesting to see that in Burkina none of our concerns from home mattered. There are certain things we’ve been focusing on lately, even to the point it consumed me. When away the past month we spoke about all those things and how it all seemed irrelevant in light of what we were doing in Burkina. How would we respond when we got back? Would we just be consumed over those ‘things’ again? It’s certainly not what we wanted.
I don’t want to be consumed by anything but with the matters of the Lord. I have written before about heart’s desires going unanswered. In Burkina it didn’t matter. Tim and I have been consumed by wanting to move. We live too far from community and church and it is bothering us, it aches. In Burkina it didn’t matter. I desired to go home with a new passion… focusing on the things that truly matter and on things that are way more important than my ‘things’.
And yet, what I feared is happening. I am getting consumed by the things here. The old things pop back up and seem to matter. And it saddens me. There are better things to be consumed by, like focusing on making this world a better place, wherever, however, but that has got to be my focus. I have lived a past and God has used it to write a story of redemption through my life. Sharing that has got to matter. Seeing need all around me, that has got to matter.
The first morning home I couldn’t wait to sit down with God and just be. He showed up as such a loving Father. Guess what He told me? He told me that ‘my things’ matter to Him! The things I get consumed by are obviously important to me, and so they are important to Him. That was a beautiful first awaking.
God said something else, something He’s been saying to me before. He said: “Don’t pray, let me do!” 
