I shake. My heart beats heavily and fast. I can’t sit still. I am overcome by this pressure in my chest. When the feelings sets in I know exactly what is going on and the battle is not easy. Justice versus Love, that is what I am up against. That is the battle that I often fight.
There is this right that I feel, the need to punish someone, some how, for not treating me rightly, And I am like that because of my abusive background and there never being any justice about it. But it’s not right. This is MY battle and has nothing to do with our boy. Our boy… because that is where this takes place. It is our boy who has the privilege 😉 to bring this out in me. He can treat me so poorly, in a way I do not deserve. He can ignore me like no other and oh, does that hurt, does that bring about memories of me being ignored for days on end by my family when I was little. Or he lies about something. Or he throws me this really dirty look. Or he ignores a rule we put in place together. Or he refuses to do his chore. That is when these feelings take over my body. But any child needs love the most when he/she deserves it the least. So I have to let go of my justice, in order to love him.
He knows what he deserves and he knows he is not getting that. When I let go of what he deserves, and love him instead, it communicates exactly what he needs to learn. To forgive those who hurt him. To let go. Because it only imprisons him if he doesn’t. He’ll get dark inside. I know what it is like to be in prison and I do not want that for him. So together we will learn to let go of justice and free ourselves. We will learn to love EVERYONE.
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Maddy, you never cease to amaze me with your patience, insight and ongoing love. I hope your boy will come to see how incredibly lucky he is to have you. Much love to you, Robin
I grew up in a very “strict” environment. I would be punished (spanked when I was little and then grounded when I was older) for the slightest offense, even though I was a “good” kid. I got good grades, I was never in trouble at school, or did bad things with my friends. It simply was the only way my mother knew how to raise my brother and I. It felt so belittling at times, and shameful.
Flash forward all these years- and in her last few months and then weeks and days… I gave to her all that I had been denied for so long. The love and tenderness that I longed for from her- I gave in abundance- because it healed me. It helped me, more than I could ever know. What you’ve so beautifully described, is exactly this same thing. Through being for him, what you would have wanted for you way back when, I think we give ourselves a chance to heal too. Love to you sweet friend- keep on- keeping on!! How lucky the both of you are to have each other!
What a beautiful example of Jesus you are being. One day he will look back at these days and understand your love. Keep going and keep loving him right!