Today I did something very brave. And not because I am such a great person. No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone. He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.
I was waiting for that phone call. I was waiting for that sweet word. I was waiting for love. But it wasn’t coming. Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that. For months I have been tossing over this. Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job? How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning? Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again? I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.
But there is another option. I could put pride aside. I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not. I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots. And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone. He was gentle about it, giving me time. He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice. If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move. I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year. Nothing can happen if I do not act. Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting. Lots of compassion for everything I felt. It had value. But today I chose to move away from it.
I can put pride aside. I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love. I CAN… LOVE. And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved. I can love this person for who she is not. It’s not a done deal… but I will learn. And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.
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Good for you,Maddie. I think this is a step in spiritual maturity. Even though I can’t promise it will fulfill completely your desire in this, I DO know that you will never regret your effort. Life is very difficult and even disappointing at times, but God still wants us to always “be HIS representative. And in this case HIS hand reaching out. God will bless you for it. Love and hugs
Don’t know if this helps but I realized at some point in my life that there are people who love you the best they can and sometimes they don’t live up to our expectations or what we deserve. The dilemma becomes if you can be ok with their limited love or if you need to cut ties and let go. No one can answer those questions but you. But more importantly remember those who are in your life now that support you and love you and draw the strength you need from that to make the best decision for you!