We went to therapy yesterday. We went to give boy 2 a place to process. He gets stuck often and we simply do not know how to help him get unstuck, and so naturally we turn to our amazing therapist.
When he is stuck he suffers, and when he suffers the whole family suffers. We all hate to see him in pain and we hurt when we cannot reach him even though we all try.
Our boy is a mystery. His depth is unknown to all. I see him battle, by himself. I see him go of into that world of loneliness. Even his brother cannot help him, after all they have different stories and with that come different pains. I can imagine our boy feels utterly alone and unsafe. And I… understand.
The reality is so different though. We chose him, we wanted him, and boy 1… he wanted nothing more than have his brother back in his life. But the past has taught him, that in fact, he IS all alone. How scary for a child, a child!
And I look at myself and my struggles. In my core I feel utterly alone. The rejection in my life that is still current keeps stabbing at the deep wound. The healing is painfully slow, and also a mystery.
We have a similar wound, that boy and I. I do understand. I thought I had no tools, but in fact, I like no other, I know the tool. I cannot fix this boy, I cannot heal him, but I can SEE him, truly see him. He will know when he is seen, and THAT is healing.
We went to therapy to help him get unstuck, now I see we went to understand him better, to learn how to better care for his heart. I need to be a lot gentler with him. Oh the gentleness his heart needs. My voice needs to be softer because the loudness of my voice brings him into a dark place. And we need to be less direct. And when he goes of to the furthest corner of the living room, I can sit with him and read my book, I can give him my presence. And the eye contact, I need to remember to always make the eye contact, a look accompanied with a sweet smile. When he asks, I need to gently applaud that like nothing else. It is all about answering his every need, about affirming him in every state, and cheering him on in the simple day to day. The fast that he is, is amazing and he needs to know that.
I have a new mission: To find his depth, his soul and hold it ever so gently.
So as we came in with the hope he could and would process, I walked away with so much more. I can’t believe parents send their kids off to therapy as most work IS for the parents. If parents do right, the child can feel safe to break and heal. It’s not about changing our boy or working on behavior, we are here to guide the healing!
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