I want my name back and Love is not free

Hard and painful it’s been. Tim and I have not been spoken to for over a month.  The boys seem to take turns (unplanned) and as of right now, neither one is talking to us.  The home is being terrorized, things get broken and calling 911 is on the table.  We no longer have a life.

It’s very sad the boys can’t see what they’ve been given.  They have been given family, they have been given future, they have been given love.  But love is never free, someone is paying a price. It’s costing someone something.  And to the boys… it’s still a blaming game, they are not seeing fault in themselves, and things are getting worse.  And we realize (with the help of a team) that it’s being abused, we are being abused.  And so we need to change things around here.

We can’t love more, and we can’t do anything different.

As sad as it is, Tim and I need to withdraw emotionally.  We’ve been battling this for a long time.  We don’t want to withdraw; we took in children who needed a home and safety to love, not withdraw.  So I am broken.  Broken over needing to let go. Broken over not being able to love more or do something different.  And so sadly, I need my name back. Today the boys will hear (in a therapy session) that I am considering asking them to call me Maddy again.  For how can I let go when, when I hear ‘mom’, everything in me wants to rise up and love.  I need distance.  They need distance.  There were times Boy 1 stopped calling me mom and started calling me Maddy, out of anger. My name switch is done out of self-preservation and, love.

We dont know where we’re headed.  The future is unknown.  We still know all children from hard places can heal.  It’s just not something we can control or make happen on our own.  So we surrender and embrace our circumstances no matter how it goes against nature, or our will.


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3 comments on “I want my name back and Love is not free

  1. Vicky

    I have such a whirlwind of emotions tugging on my heart right now. I pray that you allow preservation to happen and that you can heal a bit yourself. I pray those boys will come around and one day truly know the gift they’re being given. I have so much love and admiration for you, sweet one! Just take care of yourself and keep going!

  2. Egbert ten klooster

    We willen jullie even laten weten dat we aan jullie denken en voor jullie bidden!
    Onze ervaringen met onze kinderen is wanneer er in het begin van hun leven iets goed fout is gegaan het heel erg moeilijk wordt om dit te kunnen herstellen met liefde! Want hier kunnen ze vaak niets mee hoe hard dit ook klinkt!
    Inmiddels zijn wij opa en oma geworden helaas kan onze zoon met zijn vriendin deze kinderen niet zelf opvoeden en zijn ze in een pleeggezin opgevangen!
    De zorgen blijven….

    Veel liefs Egbert en Anja

  3. G

    Maddy, I don’t know what to say… just Know that I am behind you! I also remain with hope for your boys.