This is exactly what I feared

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-0756It was hard getting home.  Tim and I had such a good month away that I was sad to go home, and once home I was even sad to be home.  I needed time to adjust.  
It was interesting to see that in Burkina none of our concerns from home mattered.  There are certain things we’ve been focusing on lately, even to the point it consumed me.  When away the past month we spoke about all those things and how it all seemed irrelevant in light of what we were doing in Burkina.  How would we respond when we got back?  Would we just be consumed over those ‘things’ again?  It’s certainly not what we wanted.  
I don’t want to be consumed by anything but with the matters of the Lord.  I have written before about heart’s desires going unanswered.  In Burkina it didn’t matter.  Tim and I have been consumed by wanting to move.  We live too far from community and church and it is bothering us, it aches.  In Burkina it didn’t matter.  I desired to go home with a new passion… focusing on the things that truly matter and on things that are way more important than my ‘things’.   
And yet, what I feared is happening.  I am getting consumed by the things here.  The old things pop back up and seem to matter.  And it saddens me.  There are better things to be consumed by, like focusing on making this world a better place, wherever, however, but that has got to be my focus.  I have lived a past and God has used it to write a story of redemption through my life.  Sharing that has got to matter.  Seeing need all around me, that has got to matter.
The first morning home I couldn’t wait to sit down with God and just be.  He showed up as such a loving Father.  Guess what He told me?  He told me that ‘my things’ matter to Him!  The things I get consumed by are obviously important to me, and so they are important to Him.  That was a beautiful first awaking.
God said something else, something He’s been saying to me before.  He said: “Don’t pray, let me do!”  Sounds familiar?  He said: “Don’t worry about being back, don’t fear it.  Don’t think about moving, about ministry, about what you will do.  Just let me be!  BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”
I desire to live a life of sacrifice.  I do pray, but I try not to be consumed.  I try to pray and just see what happens next.  My prayer sounds like this: “God, open my eyes to what You want me to see.”  I can desire many things, but I cannot make anything happen.  I want to acknowledge where God is at work, and I desire to join Him.  How, where… only God can work out those details.  It is not good to be consumed.  It is best to be still and know that God is God.  
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This was also shared at Holley’s Coffee For Your Heart.  To read more personal stories or get encouraged, go HERE


Often I am impressed with my husband, some time in December was one of those times I was really impressed with him. Tim understands the concept of leading our family, and for now, that is me. He took the lead in something that was REALLY important. I am so grateful I married a man who listens closely to God’s heart, wisdom and ways. And when it comes to me, Tim wants to do right by me and be my helpmate. Sometimes that means taking a strong lead.

Both of our lives have changed drastically in a short period of time, but I think it is fair to say my life changed more than Tim’s life did. I moved across the ocean, I gave up family and friends, I gave up the home I loved, bought and remodeled, I gave up my production company, and thus my career, if you will. Now, I gave all this up willingly and, to be honest, it was easy to give up. Tim is God’s gift to me and everything in me knew that. There was only one way to go and that was to go west and forward. As we are working on my immigration process I am somewhat up in the air with things. I am not allowed to work and am adjusting to our new life. That is not always easy. And thus Tim prays a lot for me and is trying to figure out my needs in all of this.
The morning after God told me to ‘just walk and not talk’, Tim came downstairs and said he had been thinking and praying a lot about what’s right for me these days. I am no longer working, and according to Tim, not using my talents like I used to. Besides… I was so concentrated on him, our home and the homemaking, there had to be more. Tim had been praying and said the following: “I have made a decision about something. I love all that you do for me. You take such good care of me. Your dinners are amazing! Our home is taken care of! You are awesome! But I just really sense you need to stop some of that. So for this coming week I don’t want you to clean, cook, bake, do laundry or do any type of grocery shopping. I can do more, and I don’t need to be made into a lazy person. I will pick up some chores while you just go out and enjoy yourself. Go see Melissa, go out for walks (knowing that is what I love to do) and I think you need to start picking up your camera and start taking photos again. You do know that I love you no matter what, right? Not because of all you do.’ Little did Tim know that God had already told me to stop ‘the doing’ the day before. That I was still processing, but now for Tim to basically tell me the same thing was a hard pill to swallow. I knew he was right. He led it in such a powerful, strong and loving way that I knew he wasn’t asking. He was hearing from our Lord. And there is nothing more beautiful than to follow a husband who is not afraid to take the lead and can be trusted. And so I followed.
The first few days I was doing really well with it. I started to rest, and boy did I need a rest after all the doing and after all the life changing events. What a relief that he was giving me a break. But after a few days, it started to get harder and harder. I felt so guilty. How could I not do anything for us? Tim was working long, hard days in his home office, and I couldn’t stand to see him make his own lunch, tidy up the house or make sure dinner was on the table.
And then I had to be honest… I was not only trying to earn God’s love, I was trying to earn Tim’s love as well. Oh my, not a good thing! It felt like Tim had stripped me of everything, and yet his love was steady. A steady love I have never experienced before. So no dear one, I was not so sure of your love. I guess I did not know you’d love me even if I do nothing. I did not know that my actions do not influence your love for me. We have talked about it since and the new concept is slowly reaching my heart– I know I can trust this.
I am excited to grow in this area and I know this isn’t about Tim stopping me when I go overboard. This is about finding balance. It is about healing. And so I not only embrace the word LISTEN, I also embrace NOT DOING!