Ever so gently

We went to therapy yesterday.  We went to give boy 2 a place to process.  He gets stuck often and we simply do not know how to help him get unstuck, and so naturally we turn to our amazing therapist.

When he is stuck he suffers, and when he suffers the whole family suffers.  We all hate to see him in pain and we hurt when we cannot reach him even though we all try.

Our boy is a mystery.  His depth is unknown to all.  I see him battle, by himself.  I see him go of into that world of loneliness. Even his brother cannot help him, after all they have different stories and with that come different pains.  I can imagine our boy feels utterly alone and unsafe.  And I… understand.

The reality is so different though.  We chose him, we wanted him, and boy 1… he wanted nothing more than have his brother back in his life.  But the past has taught him, that in fact, he IS all alone.  How scary for a child, a child!

And I look at myself and my struggles.  In my core I feel utterly alone.  The rejection in my life that is still current keeps stabbing at the deep wound.  The healing is painfully slow, and also a mystery.

We have a similar wound, that boy and I.  I do understand.  I thought I had no tools, but in fact, I like no other, I know the tool. I cannot fix this boy, I cannot heal him, but I can SEE him, truly see him.  He will know when he is seen, and THAT is healing.

We went to therapy to help him get unstuck, now I see we went to understand him better, to learn how to better care for his heart.  I need to be a lot gentler with him. Oh the gentleness his heart needs.  My voice needs to be softer because the loudness of my voice brings him into a dark place.  And we need to be less direct.  And when he goes of to the furthest corner of the living room, I can sit with him and read my book, I can give him my presence.  And the eye contact, I need to remember to always make the eye contact, a look accompanied with a sweet smile.  When he asks, I need to gently applaud that like nothing else.  It is all about answering his every need, about affirming him in every state, and cheering him on in the simple day to day.  The fast that he is, is amazing and he needs to know that.

I have a new mission: To find his depth, his soul and hold it ever so gently.

So as we came in with the hope he could and would process, I walked away with so much more.  I can’t believe parents send their kids off to therapy as most work IS for the parents.  If parents do right, the child can feel safe to break and heal.  It’s not about changing our boy or working on behavior, we are here to guide the healing!

 

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Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Self-diagnosed HSP

“It is not easy to be me” is something I actually say out loud, and recently more frequently.  In that I find myself needing some answers.  I want answers as it feels that answers will make things more bearable some how.

Something grabbed my attention last week and I decided to research.  I came across somebody talking about HSP, a highly sensitive person, and the way these people were described… I was described.  And what a comfort it gave me.  I have been telling Tim quite often that I just feel I need to get away, alone, just for a few days.  There is this deep need to get my batteries recharged.  I am thinking that if I just take some time away, I will come back energized.  But I understand, that Tim doesn’t understand.  And it’s not that I need a break from him, or from the boys, in some way I need a break from life.

The more I read, the more I made sense.  And then I took some online tests and they all showed that I am an HSP.  HSP is not a disorder.  It’s not bad, it’s not good, but the world would sure be less of a place without HSP’s.  They (I) think deeply, they (I) feel deeply, and seek meaning in everything.  They (I) reveal deeply, they (I) are (am) creative, and emotions like love and joy are felt intensely, they are beautiful intense emotions.  HSP’s are often extroverts but because they need down time, they are often perceived as introverts.  Their depth of processing cannot be seen by others, and because their processing goes so deeply they get overstimulated.  They also think constantly; memories keep coming up and I have always wondered why I would still think about what seem silly and unimportant moments from the far away past.  And because they (I) take in everything that they (I) see, feel, taste and hear, they (I) do need alone time regularly.  Downtime, a rest from all the impulses is a necessity.

And here I am, feeling just different from the people around me.  Feeling the need to explain at least to my husband why I’d rather stay home.  Or why after having spend days on end with people, or why after a busy afternoon with the boys watching some TV while I was on the computer in the same room, I am simply exhausted.  It means I’d like to retrieve to my bed with no noise, no lights, without anything or anyone to take care of.   But I can’t explain, I have not been able to make sense of it.

Frankly, I am not 100% sure I am an HSP, but for now I will keep reading about it, and I will keep getting comfort out of what I am reading.  And whatever is going on with me, whoever I am, one thing is clear: I want to learn to fully embrace who I am.

That regular break from life seems unrealistic and yet, today I understand that this may be who I am and I may actually find a way to just get away on a regular basis.  And in my day to day, I may find that downtime is the key to everything.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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A sandwich blessing

We had a little sandwich disaster this morning.  Boy 2 is very particular which bread he wants with what topping.  And I switched it up by accident.  Hey, it’s only 6.30am when I make them 😉

Actually, I first made the crunchy bread with the cold cut topping and the soft bread with peanut butter, fluff and Nutella combo ;-).  Then I realized it was wrong and re-made the whole thing (yes, waisting bread in the process).  So enthusiastically I told Isaac about my mess up, and my fix!  And he got upset.  Apparently I had it right the first time around. He could not handle it and walked away, mumbling and he really could not take it for he kept saying: “This is so stupid.  So so stupid.”  He went on upstairs and unloaded to his brother: “This is so stupid.  I told her how to do it, why didn’t she do what I told her to do.”

I could have done 2 things.  Address his rude attitude.  I don’t need to explain to you how I was actually blessing him by making him lunch, but I could explain it to him.  I could also choose to love this boy at a time he was very distraught.  He was probably nervous about his first soccer practice ever.  He was probably also nervous about his band practice today (he is still struggling with his cool factor decreasing because of it).  Things are still new and he is on edge, rightly so.

This morning I chose the latter.  I laughed at the stupidity of it, and I laughed at the reaction of our boy which was just hilarious in a way.  I went back into the kitchen and I re-made his sandwiches for a second time (again waisting bread in the process).  This time he doesn’t know about it, and so in a little while, at school, he will open up his lunch bag and he will see his momma loves him deeply and desires to serve him.  I can imagine his response: “Oh my, she did make it right!  She fixed it.”  And he will go back to the morning and realize he was rude and awful.  And still I loved him…

 

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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At least he’s moving…

This is one of those mornings where I realize how far boy 1 has come!

We were having breakfast and boy 2 was a bit slow.  Usually he is quite on time so I just wanted to let him know the time. Right away he answered: “I never go up till 6.50 so I don’t know why you are telling me this.  You got it all wrong.”  The ‘funny’ part is that he is not telling the truth but he just has to come against me, he just has to put up his hand in defense.  We all know he is usually on time and goes upstairs at 6.45.  He needs to keep me at a distance.  It’s been like that again for a few weeks now.  It’s the automatic response of: ‘Don’t come near me’, “I will keep you at arms length’, ‘I don’t trust you”, ‘This IS all too scary’.

And then I remembered boy 1.  He used to do this all the time, all the time!  Every answer was met with a No or Why?  And every bit of help was rejected.  But boy 1 is no longer like that.  Life is calmer now.  He can take a no.  He can also take help. It’s quite amazing.

When Tim and I discussed it as the boys were off to school, Tim’s remark was: “Well, at least boy 2 is moving.”  So I’ll take the positive note.  We have not had this phase yet with boy 2.  Let’s see how long it lasts.

 

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He watched us well

The boys were going at it yesterday.  I looked out the window and saw it all unfold.  It was ugly.  It was physical, words back and forth, and at some point the middle finger went up.  Of course I was excluded from the content of it since I was witnessing it all from a distance.

It was clear feelings got hurt because when we were all inside their faces said it all.  They refused to be in one area, and they were not speaking to one another.  It was serious.  And in the midst, I see boy 1 do something amazing.  He served his brother.  In the midst of anger, of: “I am not going to talk to him for a longggg time” he still did good.  He carried his brother’s laundry up from the basement to his brother’s room.

It was an amazing sight because have we not done just that with both boys?  We kept serving them even though we were so hurt, in the midst of anger, and definitely when they did not deserve to be served.  It made me quite proud of that boy.  He watched us well!  This is such an important attribute to life, we serve.  And when we serve those who deserve it the least, we love deeply those who need it most.

 

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Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Anchor us Lord

We wonder about it, do we feel different than other moms and dads?  We wonder how that blood bond feels, the one we will never have.  In our case, in my case, I don’t know what ‘blood’ really feels like but I really do think that that deep connection that comes with a blood bond is missing when it comes to us and our boys.  And I feel it on mother’s day.  I don’t feel connected to our boys like other moms do to their children, especially the moms who birthed their child. Now don’t get me wrong, I love these boys, but we are doing something that is not natural.

Natural would have been to conceive a child.  Natural would have been to birth a son.  And without that, it just feels we are doing something different.  And there is lack in it.  There is gift in birthing your child, a connection that we have to work hard for to get.

I know not many want to address this publicly, like I am not supposed to feel this way.  But I do.  And there is nothing wrong with it.  It is what it is.  And if anything… it helps me understand the task these 2 boys have.  They are supposed to bond to us new parents.  They are supposed to embrace us as their own.  They are supposed to love us.  They are supposed to let us love them.  Something so unnatural, something that, in a way, was not supposed to happen, is happening.  They were conceived by different people, and in a perfect world, they’d still be with the ones who wanted and planned for them.  And so without my ‘lack’, I don’t think I would ever have been able to understand them and what is been asked of them.  In a way it makes us equal.

And in it is gift… a gift that will take us many years to unwrap and discover.  And in the mean time, we will love these boys with all we have, because they ARE our own.  Given to us by the Almighty Who knew what He was doing.  Nothing happened by accident: He chose them, He chose us, He chose to make us into this particular family unit.  And bonding might take mighty work, and I might sense something is different about us.  We know all things come from God and we can only pray he will perfect His plan for our little unit.  And in that my prayer goes like this: “God, anchor us.  Anchor us in one another.”

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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