I have organized respite for boy 1. He does not like me to call it respite for he has many bad memories when it comes to respite. I explain to him that it’s time to give respite a positive connotation. After all, he is not being send away, this respite is because HE can request a respite; when he is so tired of life, tired of the hard work he constantly has to put in in order to be part of a family. He gets exhausted and then behavior gets too painful for all of us. We have learned to give him space, and a place where there are no ‘have to’s’ and he can just be.
So off he went yesterday, at the same time when I was supposed to have my time away from life. I was scheduled for time in my Sanctuary, something I try to do on a regular basis. I go to this cute little cottage where I get quiet, I don’t see anyone, I don’t speak out loud, and I practice sitting in the presence of God.
As I arrived I was still working on the respite for boy 1, this was an unexpected circumstance that was trailing behind me. But even before this current circumstance, I knew I was going to arrive tired and full to begin with. I had already let myself know I was there to rest. For me, being quiet turns out to be work, it is not easy to let all feelings and thoughts just pass. And so, I told myself I should just read novels instead of study books, And I could sleep the time away. I also brought my computer this time, so I could have fellowship with friends overseas who were long due for a special devoted connect time. And I ended up binge watching some things I had not seen for over a year, something I just can’t do in daily life. But… it didn’t feel like rest.
I started to ponder on God’s love for me, as I am. Was it really that hard to know He loves me, even in this? In the not seeking Him in obvious ways, in the not using this Sanctuary the way I usually do. Why is it so hard to be loved as is? And I realize why I don’t rest. I can’t have peace about being here in this amazing place and not use it for what it is made for, in my opinion. I really do not believe it, I really cannot grasp His love for me… as is!
And I think of boy 1, who I’ve encouraged to get away so he does not have to talk to us, so he does not have any ‘to do’s’ like doing dishes or cleaning up after himself, so he can just be a couch potato and rest. I love him none the less. I might show him my love even stronger because I am the one setting this up, because I am the one guiding him to what he needs, because I am the one that makes it okay to not talk to us right now and not be capable of doing anything but breathing. My love is nothing less! I cover him in my prayers and love from a distance, knowing very well what he needs. I tend to him.
I can be confident that God is tending to me. I might not even have the energy to think about it just like boy 1 is probably not thinking about me and my love for him right now. I might be far away of feeling His love just like boy 1 is probably only feeling defeated, alone, lost and plain tired right now. I am still here, still tending to him just like God is tending to me.
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