Personal Process

Self-diagnosed HSP

“It is not easy to be me” is something I actually say out loud, and recently more frequently.  In that I find myself needing some answers.  I want answers as it feels that answers will make things more bearable some how.

Something grabbed my attention last week and I decided to research.  I came across somebody talking about HSP, a highly sensitive person, and the way these people were described… I was described.  And what a comfort it gave me.  I have been telling Tim quite often that I just feel I need to get away, alone, just for a few days.  There is this deep need to get my batteries recharged.  I am thinking that if I just take some time away, I will come back energized.  But I understand, that Tim doesn’t understand.  And it’s not that I need a break from him, or from the boys, in some way I need a break from life.

The more I read, the more I made sense.  And then I took some online tests and they all showed that I am an HSP.  HSP is not a disorder.  It’s not bad, it’s not good, but the world would sure be less of a place without HSP’s.  They (I) think deeply, they (I) feel deeply, and seek meaning in everything.  They (I) reveal deeply, they (I) are (am) creative, and emotions like love and joy are felt intensely, they are beautiful intense emotions.  HSP’s are often extroverts but because they need down time, they are often perceived as introverts.  Their depth of processing cannot be seen by others, and because their processing goes so deeply they get overstimulated.  They also think constantly; memories keep coming up and I have always wondered why I would still think about what seem silly and unimportant moments from the far away past.  And because they (I) take in everything that they (I) see, feel, taste and hear, they (I) do need alone time regularly.  Downtime, a rest from all the impulses is a necessity.

And here I am, feeling just different from the people around me.  Feeling the need to explain at least to my husband why I’d rather stay home.  Or why after having spend days on end with people, or why after a busy afternoon with the boys watching some TV while I was on the computer in the same room, I am simply exhausted.  It means I’d like to retrieve to my bed with no noise, no lights, without anything or anyone to take care of.   But I can’t explain, I have not been able to make sense of it.

Frankly, I am not 100% sure I am an HSP, but for now I will keep reading about it, and I will keep getting comfort out of what I am reading.  And whatever is going on with me, whoever I am, one thing is clear: I want to learn to fully embrace who I am.

That regular break from life seems unrealistic and yet, today I understand that this may be who I am and I may actually find a way to just get away on a regular basis.  And in my day to day, I may find that downtime is the key to everything.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Anchor us Lord

We wonder about it, do we feel different than other moms and dads?  We wonder how that blood bond feels, the one we will never have.  In our case, in my case, I don’t know what ‘blood’ really feels like but I really do think that that deep connection that comes with a blood bond is missing when it comes to us and our boys.  And I feel it on mother’s day.  I don’t feel connected to our boys like other moms do to their children, especially the moms who birthed their child. Now don’t get me wrong, I love these boys, but we are doing something that is not natural.

Natural would have been to conceive a child.  Natural would have been to birth a son.  And without that, it just feels we are doing something different.  And there is lack in it.  There is gift in birthing your child, a connection that we have to work hard for to get.

I know not many want to address this publicly, like I am not supposed to feel this way.  But I do.  And there is nothing wrong with it.  It is what it is.  And if anything… it helps me understand the task these 2 boys have.  They are supposed to bond to us new parents.  They are supposed to embrace us as their own.  They are supposed to love us.  They are supposed to let us love them.  Something so unnatural, something that, in a way, was not supposed to happen, is happening.  They were conceived by different people, and in a perfect world, they’d still be with the ones who wanted and planned for them.  And so without my ‘lack’, I don’t think I would ever have been able to understand them and what is been asked of them.  In a way it makes us equal.

And in it is gift… a gift that will take us many years to unwrap and discover.  And in the mean time, we will love these boys with all we have, because they ARE our own.  Given to us by the Almighty Who knew what He was doing.  Nothing happened by accident: He chose them, He chose us, He chose to make us into this particular family unit.  And bonding might take mighty work, and I might sense something is different about us.  We know all things come from God and we can only pray he will perfect His plan for our little unit.  And in that my prayer goes like this: “God, anchor us.  Anchor us in one another.”

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Grateful for the fight

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.
Psalm 52:8

Yesterday Tim and I got talking about how good it is to have something to fight for!  From the beginning of our lives, we both learned how to fight quickly so we just do not know life without a fight.  And now that life is good for both of us, we see ourselves fighting again, in lots of different ways, for lots of different things.  And it wasn’t till yesterday that we stood still and realized the blessing of a good fight.  We just can’t imagine living life without having something to fight for.

The blessing is that the fight is hard, and we can’t fight alone.  We are required to spend time with God daily to get our focus, our strength, wisdom, to get care for our heart.  And that is such an amazing thing.  Any fight is hard, and painful, and a great source of stress.  It takes energy and to sit in my car last night being filled with God’s presence is such an amazing thing.  I just can describe it, you have to live it to understand.  And all I could do was praise over and over again: God, thank you for being faithful to my heart!

I write this post in honor of my friend Vicky , who fights a good fight.  Her fight, like so many, is pretty unfair, yet, she won’t tell you that.  Vicky only speaks of how good God is in the fight!!

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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This is Glory to me

Sun                                                                                                                                                                                     Beaming through the window                                                                                                                                                                                     The art of shadows                                                                                                                                                                                     Picturing this pictureMaddyChristine Hope Photography-6831.L

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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A full moment

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-5323.L

I love to sit in silence and what continues to happen to me is that I am deeply grateful for the things around me.  I can be in a total state of bliss just sitting in our home and looking around me and just be at peace.  This morning the world was barely awake, the house was empty, Tim taking our boy and his friend to high school and there it was, I was overtaken by things so little: a hot cup of tea, a delicious breakfast, and beauty all around me in our little home.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much…

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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How to move past anger

I really do not want to write this post!  Anger is a very difficult emotion to deal with.  And most of us know that anger is not something to hold on to.  It’ll make you sick, literally.  It’ll eat up all your energy.  Though there may be a VERY good reason to BE angry, Jesus has shown us what to do with it.  FORGIVE.

But what if you have been abused, if there was cruelty involved.  And I am not talking about something in the past, what about now?  Someone has treated you in a way that was extremely hurtful and it is costing you time, effort and energy to heal from it.  It was unfair.  It was unjust.

And then Jesus says: Forgive anyway.

I think we are not naturally wired to let go of anger.  And this morning I am wondering if Jesus says: Love!  Love this person. Reach out to this person.  Make the first step.  Keep reaching.  And maybe that is the only way to process this anger and be freed from it.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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