Healing

From special to glorious

I wish, I wish, I wish I could have taken pictures last night. Instead I just took in the most precious moment. Imagine your children gathering around YOU as parents, to pray for you! That is what happened last night…

We had our annual Last Day of Summer ~ First Day of School Dinner Party last night.  It is nothing big but just another reason for a party.  And I want to make this special, special attention for our season changing and children growing. With that come some small gifts that are suited for the new school year and more importantly, personal notes from mom and dad.

It was fun, and endearing.  Our girl starting COLLEGE, feeling like she’s not alone and huge joy over what seems a small gift. But we knew what she wanted and so her joy was great. Probably because we just paid enough attention to her small desires.  Boy 1… we are there!!  We got him a shaving kit because it is time.  Today dad will teach him.  We could no longer let him go to High School without taking care of those furry hairs under his chin and the dark mustache on top.  Boy 2, was he in for a big surprise… Freshman’s we give locker fillers like emergency foods when sugar is dropping, things that make you smell good like deodorant, and chapstick and tissues for the winter.  But in the very bottom of his new lunch bag was a PHONE.  He’s been begging for it since he came to us but with life being complicated enough we did not want to add any complications, and adding a phone brings stress, fights and discussions.  We were not ready until now.  So his gift was actually huge and as it was unwrapped tears flowed richly, for him and me.  So precious.

We moved from outside to inside for dessert and before we devoured that, Tim gave time to pray for each and every child. Our girl going first, and I called on the boys… “Listen to the Spirit” I said, “See, what He may want to say through you” and we prayed.  And down the line we went to pray for Boy 1 and lastly Boy 2.  I was amazed when all 3 jumped in to pray for one another, and some things were right on when it came to encouraging each other.  After praying, something did not feel finished to me, I felt that maybe it was time for Tim and me to humble ourselves and get very small in front of God, asking Him for help, asking for Him to continue to grow us in the roll of parenthood.  But something stopped me and we sat in silence. That is when Boy 1 stood up.  He told Tim and me to sit down in the ‘hot seat’ as he wanted to pray for US. He gathered his siblings, their hands on us as each took a turn to praise God for us.  They praised God for finally knowing love, for their healing and growth since being part of our family.  For having parents who do not give up and always believing in them.  And then they prayed for energy: “God, please give them energy to keep doing what they are doing for us.”  We were all emotional for we all felt the depth of the moment.

I realize we are a crazy bunch, I also realize we are a very special bunch.  Being surrounded by these 3 precious hearts who have it in them to make a special evening into a glorious one!  And then we turned on music and we danced danced danced…

 

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The time he held my hand

We had gone through a rough set of weeks. I was feeling weak and yet I knew that what I was enduring was for the benefit of our boys. Boy 1 had been challenging and was in a season where he was out to hurt me. There are times he looks back and admits: “Yes, my goal was to hurt you.” We were there. We were making our way out of it but it always takes time for me to recover. And I was emotional as I healed from the season.

It was lent season and during the season of lent church decided to committing to pray for our children. But this Sunday was different. The worship leader said that today we would not pray for the children, instead we would pray for those taking care of the children, the parents. At that moment boy 1 reached for my hand as the worship leader prayed. I cried as I took in the prayer that was for me. The prayer that, due to my son’s hand around mine, was going deep into my soul. Our son saw me, and with holding my hand he was saying: “Mom, you are a good mom.”

After the prayer we went back to singing and boy 1 just fell into my arms and we both cried. It is quite incredible for a 16 year old boy to fall into his momma’s arms and letting go of pain and regrets. Feeling the toughness of life, and choosing to share it with me. It was incredible and I understand that what we have going is indeed unique and special.

More of this God, more…

 

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When all you should do is watch your child hurt

Our boy is in darkness.  And we’re getting worried.  It started 3 weeks ago and lots of it, everything actually, makes perfect sense now.  It started with bad behavior to the point it was hard to like him, to the point it was hard to be around him.  The anger coming out of him, at unexpected and ‘unreasonable’ times, was hard, because it was constant.  With very direct arrows at the people around him, ouch!  The boundaries we set up were disregarded.  And then we saw him get dark, truly dark.  He could no longer care.

And I was reminded that our boy is not a boy with behavioral problems.  He is in pain!  And I became aware I need to rise above my own feelings, my anger, and my exhaustion.  This boy needs someone, please someone, to see past his behavior. And we are there now.

And we pick our words carefully, and just repeat them multiple times a day.  “You can be in a foul mood, that is okay.  You can be angry, you just can’t hurt people in the process, okay!  But we can give you space.”  And: “You will get better.  You will be okay again.”  And: “I am so so sorry you are hurting my boy.  It is so hard to watch but this will come to pass.  I am right here.” and when I say those words, I always cry.  Most importantly, I sit with our son.  I just sit with him as he is indifferent.  I just sit with him as he is dark.  I hug him, knowing I touch his soul even though nothing tells me any of what I do enters him. But I know God, I know LOVE, it will not go unnoticed.  God’s love always finds a way, in His timing.

And the few sentences that are spoken by our boy, they give us a lot of information.  Worrisome information.  Yes, there is very deep pain.  And we are concerned.  He is 16 years old and it’s not even been 2 years since he’s been with us.  He’s not even had 2 full years of stable life in his life.  I go back to the things I know… such pain.

The biggest gift we can give our children is to not want to change anything.  Although difficult for everyone involved, he is right where he needs to be.  This is inside him regardless.  This is the place to be right now, where healing gets room.  I’d rather him do this important part now, with us, then somewhere down to road, alone or with his spouse.  And I know what to do, I was there myself many many times.  I know what to do in darkness, I know what it feels like.  I do know what he needs. And even though he gives nothing, I love him and that is a crucial piece of information for his heart.  His momma will always love him.  That is simply my job.  Not because I am special, but because he is.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Replenish my love

Father, I don’t want to go downstairs and face my day or boy without having prayed… I don’t want to attempt to do today in my own strength.  I am so tired and feel incapable and so Father, I open my hands so you can fill them.  I pray you will replenish my love for my boy on an ongoing basis today.  Let me not run out.  Give me the right words to say, help me give him the right direction for today as I have taken him out of school for the sole purpose of loving on him.  And Lord, give me the right eyes… when my boy looks me in the eye, help him see nothing but compassionate love.  And Father, I lift up our boy who is in darkness.  Will you open his heart and mind to the love that comes from his momma.  And I pray peace all over him, that he would not feel he needs to do anything with what he’s given, help him to only see and let it be.  Father, let Your will be done in our home today, You will be our faithful God.  Amen!

 

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It’s a glorious day

fullsizerenderWe cannot begin to describe what the past 4 days have been like here in CO. God has done so much and brought amazing gifts. Never could we have thought it would be this emotional, this perfect, this hard and this healing. Through it all we have lived on an amazing high. 

The boys have had amazing reunions with people of their past. Only God could have known and done all these miracles leading up to boy 1’s adoption. 

Our boy is ready, so very ready. Our prayer is that as he slams the ‘hammer’ to make his adoption final, God separates him from the past and bores him into the future. Let it be a Holy Spirit moment for him.

You can watch the ceremony by clicking right HERE as we broadcasted LIVE via Facebook.  

Part One (only 3 minutes)            Part Two (the majority of the hearing)           Reception Speeches

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories.

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Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

I heard some footsteps on the top floor.  “Ah, someone must have woken up” I thought.  I made my way up and I saw boy 1. I guided him back to his room and I kissed him, I stroke his head and wished him good morning. Then I broke the rules, just to show him I love him dearly.  I grabbed his device from the other room and brought it to him.  His smile was so big, he knew I was making an exception, the one where we do not allow devices in the bed room.  Then he said: “Mom, you can stay here if you want….” When a child says that, at least our child, he is not saying, he is asking!  And so I climbed in his bed and we cuddled.  “Mom, I just do not know how I am going to feel on Monday.” And we talked about the big day coming up.

“I have been dreaming about this day for years.  I have wanted this day for years but now I just don’t know how I am going to feel.”

These moments are precious.  So very precious and there really is nothing better in my life then a moment like this where one of our boys just connects in the deepest way.  I feel our hearts attach, I feel welcomed and all walls, all fear, all mistrust is gone.

We are in Colorado for boy 1’s adoption hearing. We are adopting boy 1 on Monday November the 14th.  That day 2 years ago we met him for the very first time.  So we are blessed with our hearing taking  place on that very special date.

A few weeks ago, in preparation for this trip, I asked both boys to make me a list of places they wanted to go, people they wanted to see and things they needed to smell, touch, taste or hear.  I made no promises, I just said I would work hard to get all the things on their list organized.  Thursday would be boy 1’s day, Friday we’d focus on boy 2.  And so it was.

The days have been long and very emotional.  And our boys… they get through it like champs.  One thing they do is amazing… they share how hard it it so see certain people and places.  How it is good but it also brings up painful memories. Especially boy 2 usually processes on his own: he gets quite and plays basketball.  But during this trip he continuously invites us in.  He wants to share.  Both boys are feeling it, they are truly allowing the pain of the past to surface, and we do this trip as a family.  Hurt is carried by us all and the pain in on the move.

I am forever grateful for the people who were willing to go out of their way to give of their time. But this was not a one way affair. We have seen people run towards the boys, we have had past teachers cry at this reunion, we have heard from each and every person how the boys affected them!!!!!  Boys that were rejected, over and over again, are meeting with people who have ALWAYS recognized how unique they are.

I am so proud of these boys and I pray that after these many reunions, they realize it was never about them. They were never rejected because of who they are! I am also proud of them because they were strong. They endured severe pain and I look at them today and see how they fought to stay alive, how they fought to keep hope, trusting that good was in their future.

And here we are… boy 2 is awake now too.  I guide him back to his room, also with his device and soon I carry up lattes and tuck them in. We have a few hours before we start connecting again with the people of their past.

 

 

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