Picture a roller coaster. You are on it. You go up, you go down, you even go upside down. And there is no way to control any of it. You can’t skip the part where you go upside down, there is no getting out, and you certainly cannot get to the controls. It is impossible to get out midstream to push the stop button or let it go faster through the lower parts or stop at the top so you can enjoy the view. The only thing you can do is ride it out and trust the person who manages the controls.
We are on such a roller coaster ride. Our emotions are like the roller coaster. The journey with our boy is hard and painful.
However, our boy is booking great progress. In the midst of crises he can now put his head on my arm. Just for a few seconds but it is there. We can tell his heart is healing, slowly. Today I realize again that working out brokenness hurts. We cannot expect our boy to heal without a battle.
Last week when I sat with Jesus He reminded me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. But there is no easy at the moment so somehow I am doing something not quite right. All I could do in that moment was see the roller coaster and just breath through it. There is no easy in our home but RESTORATION is written all over us.
I realize that I am doing so much caring for, that sometimes I feel like a little girl and I need some caring for me. Because the journey is so crazy and unpredictable, my head has been full, my nights are broken, and my body is weak. In that, it has been incredibly hard to sit and be still with God. I was too consumed. And all this when I know all too well I cannot do this in my own strength. I stopped to look at my needs and I stopped to look at God’s work.
So just sitting with “My yoke is easy and My burden is light” gives me peace. It might not be much, but maybe all I need to do is sit in it. Without answers. I need some care and God is the best person to turn to. And since, I have put up pictures in our home, pictures that remind me why we do all of this. Photos of high moments with our boy: the photo that tells me of the first time we took him to the beach and how priceless that was, the photo that reminds me of the moving speech he held at his 8th grade graduation ceremony that made parents, students and teachers cry, the memory of our boy setting up table in the middle of two rooms so he could be with both me and Tim at the same time. I need to remember who God is in all this, why we are doing what we are doing and when I do that my eyes lift to Daddy and my yoke has just become easier and my burden got lighter.
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