Faith

Respite in my Sanctuary

I have organized respite for boy 1.  He does not like me to call it respite for he has many bad memories when it comes to respite. I explain to him that it’s time to give respite a positive connotation.  After all, he is not being send away, this respite is because HE can request a respite; when he is so tired of life, tired of the hard work he constantly has to put in in order to be part of a family. He gets exhausted and then behavior gets too painful for all of us.  We have learned to give him space, and a place where there are no ‘have to’s’ and he can just be.

So off he went yesterday, at the same time when I was supposed to have my time away from life.  I was scheduled for time in my Sanctuary, something I try to do on a regular basis.  I go to this cute little cottage where I get quiet, I don’t see anyone, I don’t speak out loud, and I practice sitting in the presence of God.

As I arrived I was still working on the respite for boy 1, this was an unexpected circumstance that was trailing behind me. But even before this current circumstance, I knew I was going to arrive tired and full the begin with.  I had already let myself know I was there to rest.  For me, being quiet turns out to be work, it is not easy to let all feelings and thoughts just pass. And so, I told myself I should just read novels instead of study books,  And I could sleep the time away.  I also brought my computer this time, so I could have fellowship with friends overseas who were long due for a special devoted connect time. And I ended up binge watching some things I had not seen for over a year, something I just can’t do in daily life.  But… it didn’t feel like rest.

I started to ponder on God’s love for me, as I am.  Was it really that hard to know He loves me, even in this?  In the not seeking Him in obvious ways, in the not using this Sanctuary the way I usually do.  Why is it so hard to be loved as is?  And I realize why I don’t rest.  I can’t have peace about being here in this amazing place and not use it for what it is made for, in my opinion.  I really do not believe it, I really cannot grasp His love for me… as is!

And I think of boy 1, who I’ve encouraged to get away so he does not have to talk to us, so he does not have any ‘to do’s’ like doing dishes or cleaning up after himself, so he can just be a couch potato and rest.  I love him none the less.  I might show him my love even stronger because I am the one setting this up, because I am the one guiding him to what he needs, because I am the one that makes it okay to not talk to us right now and not be capable of doing anything but breathing.  My love is nothing less!  I cover him in my prayers and love from a distance, knowing very well what he needs. I tend to him.

I can be confident that God is tending to me.  I might not even have the energy to think about it just like boy 1 is probably not thinking about me and my love for him right now.  I might be far away of feeling His love just like boy 1 is probably only feeling defeated, alone, lost and plain tired right now.  I am still here, still tending to him just like God is tending to me.

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE  !

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Here we go again…

Rejection, unkindness, silent treatment, rolling eyes, even nastiness… all coming at me once again. It hurts, and I have been told that because I can let it hurt me, our match was successful with boy 1. Our match will also be successful with boy 2.

But it really does hurt and it really is not an easy thing.  And the next months will look just like that.  But it will come to pass. Our first boy worked through it in amazing ways and we find ourselves now having fun, joking around and spending one on one time together.  We long for that now.

Why are my emotions necessary?  The boys need to see me connect with them even if I hurt because of them.  I express my emotions healthily, they do know when I am hurt by their actions, yet I do not walk away, withdraw or get mean in return.  For some reason this is intricate to their healing.  Healthy, but difficult bonding!

I get through it because I have friends who will always receive my texts about the heaviness of it all, no matter how many of them. I get through it because Tim and I will take breaks. I get through it because friends will happily take our boys for a bit. I get through it because we did it once before, and we can do it again.  I get through it because God is not silent.

One day, we will have two boys who are better at trusting people, one day we will have two boys who know what true love is, one day we will have two boys who will return home after college because bonding did happen.  It is not too late and we pray God’s mighty power over all of us.  We all need healing, we all need to trust, we all need to know love in better and true ways.

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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It’s a sad day, and a good day…

IMG_7590 copyIt is mind blowing that a day like today can be so sweet.  God would not have it… He would not allow this day to just be sad, period!  He made sure this day would not happen without the good.

We had a court hearing for our boy today that had much potential for pain.  And there was pain.  So we sat with our boy telling him it should not be like this.  As much as we love him, and love loving him, it should not have been.  So we stood still and we felt the pain.  We mourned together, the 3 of us, at the table, crying tears. That is not the end of the story though… because of today’s happening in court, we are now able to call him ours very soon.  We can adopt our boy.  And so there were bittersweet tears. Bitterness that will turn into praise, at some point, when he is ready.

So our boy did not go back to school that day.  Instead we went to Chick Fil A for some comfort food to address the sadness. And then we went to Starbucks for a Celebration drink to address the goodness.

How beautiful a day can be, even if pain was mixed into it.

 

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Dear Sweet Boy 2,

You have already shown so much character.  I am amazed how, an almost teenager like yourself, can put in so much effort to do the right thing, for the sake of others.

I am amazed at your effort and intuition to call me daily.  You are afraid, and you tell me that.  You are afraid of what it is ahead.  You are afraid of us, you and me.  And I understand.  I tell you that I am okay with that, I am afraid too.  You and I will have to climb some mountains together, you and I will have to overcome some thunder and lightning.  But you and I, we can do that.

You are already in my heart, and I fell in love like a momma who falls in love with her newborn baby.  I like you boy 2.  I like you a lot.  Your charisma is charming, your humor hilarious, out of that little body of yours.  You are gifted just like your big brother… you are an amazing set, the 2 of you.  My prayer is that you boys will bring out in one another all the goodness that is inside, like no other person will be able to do.  I pray you will grow to have a bond that goes so deep that it brings forth power, love, forgiveness, generosity, selflessness, and peace.  The world needs you boys.  The world needs your story.

Welcome Boy 2.  Welcome…

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Pure Joy

… when you find this on your porch !MaddyChristine Hope Photography-7101.L

I love that you are here.  And I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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Grateful for the fight

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.
Psalm 52:8

Yesterday Tim and I got talking about how good it is to have something to fight for!  From the beginning of our lives, we both learned how to fight quickly so we just do not know life without a fight.  And now that life is good for both of us, we see ourselves fighting again, in lots of different ways, for lots of different things.  And it wasn’t till yesterday that we stood still and realized the blessing of a good fight.  We just can’t imagine living life without having something to fight for.

The blessing is that the fight is hard, and we can’t fight alone.  We are required to spend time with God daily to get our focus, our strength, wisdom, to get care for our heart.  And that is such an amazing thing.  Any fight is hard, and painful, and a great source of stress.  It takes energy and to sit in my car last night being filled with God’s presence is such an amazing thing.  I just can describe it, you have to live it to understand.  And all I could do was praise over and over again: God, thank you for being faithful to my heart!

I write this post in honor of my friend Vicky , who fights a good fight.  Her fight, like so many, is pretty unfair, yet, she won’t tell you that.  Vicky only speaks of how good God is in the fight!!

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

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