Brokenness

Our Family Rests

IMG_8348We are in the middle of a very hard patch.  During our vacation in NC last week things did not go well, and I mean, did NOT go well. And so upon return, we knew our place to be: this week alone is filled with 8 hours of family therapy.

We are tired.  All of us are.  And in this moment we do not know how to get passed things.  If I speak for myself, I am still feeling very angry about the things that have happened the past week, and I am also still getting very hurt by actions of boy 2.  All that is hard to take in, it’s hard to process.  So I am in no place to start talking, especially if the talking I do is met with anger, resentment and without any sense of wanting to get better.  Boy 1 is tired and he expressed it in therapy: “I am not sure we should be talking.  I am so tired from trying to be good, and mom and dad are so tired of having to deal with my behavior.  It seems we need to take a break and rest, to not talk until we are more ready.”

And so our amazing therapist asked our boy what people do when they are tired.  They sleep, that is right.  “So yes, I think you all are tired.  How about a 24 hour rest period?” she asked.  And together we put a plan in place.  We go to bed early, no late nights just because it’s summer vacation.  No sleeping in, that only causes you not to be ready for normal bed time, routine is important.  No date night for mom and dad.  No children asking to go out to spend time with friends and no ‘going to the movies’ requests.  And most importantly: NO talking about any of what happened.  This time is to rest and to focus inwardly.

Inwardly…

It was time to pull a few other important things, and we knew this was not going to be easy on the boys, in fact, it would make them MAD!!  There is a huge need for us to go inward.  What happened last week?  Why?  How can we understand better why we do what we do?  And so we also called in a media fast.  No devices, no tv, no electronics.  If we spend this rest time being on devices, watching tv… we’d learn nothing.  We can indulge in snapchat and it’s great how numbing that works. Sure we can hang out with friends but then we are not dealing with any issues on the inside, we are just walking away from them. It was time to get uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable…

It’s time to face our pain, past and present.  And with that our therapist gave us an exercise.  An exercise I will not get into right now, but the exercise is hard work.  It takes huge effort.  It takes looking back, sitting with the past, feeling the pain of it, and learning about our believe system today because of it.

So here we are… the home is very quiet.  I catch boy 1 on the porch with his note book, working hard to go there.  To go to that place hidden deep within, and I see him hurt by what he discovers.  I have to let it be ok.  He is hurting but I have to let him be.  I see my husband having a longer ‘daddy time’ then usual.  Boy 2 is mainly struggling with not having his device, he is angry.  I know he has a long way to go.  I have to let him sit with the anger.  I can’t help him.  I see boys reading books.  I see boys picking up jobs around the house.  I even hear boys chatting about important stuff, deep stuff and it happens without anger or fights.  And me… I mostly watch our family do this.  Being this uncomfortable is not foreign to me.  I have learned in life that I can’t control things, that I can’t walk away from pain and I know it is important not to get into someone else’s pain.  Sometimes you just need to let someone be there.  And watching that hurts, but I am ok with it.  So me… I write, I pray, I cry, I do this very difficult exercise, and me… I go deep as well.

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

 

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Here we go again…

Rejection, unkindness, silent treatment, rolling eyes, even nastiness… all coming at me once again. It hurts, and I have been told that because I can let it hurt me, our match was successful with boy 1. Our match will also be successful with boy 2.

But it really does hurt and it really is not an easy thing.  And the next months will look just like that.  But it will come to pass. Our first boy worked through it in amazing ways and we find ourselves now having fun, joking around and spending one on one time together.  We long for that now.

Why are my emotions necessary?  The boys need to see me connect with them even if I hurt because of them.  I express my emotions healthily, they do know when I am hurt by their actions, yet I do not walk away, withdraw or get mean in return.  For some reason this is intricate to their healing.  Healthy, but difficult bonding!

I get through it because I have friends who will always receive my texts about the heaviness of it all, no matter how many of them. I get through it because Tim and I will take breaks. I get through it because friends will happily take our boys for a bit. I get through it because we did it once before, and we can do it again.  I get through it because God is not silent.

One day, we will have two boys who are better at trusting people, one day we will have two boys who know what true love is, one day we will have two boys who will return home after college because bonding did happen.  It is not too late and we pray God’s mighty power over all of us.  We all need healing, we all need to trust, we all need to know love in better and true ways.

 

I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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It’s a sad day, and a good day…

IMG_7590 copyIt is mind blowing that a day like today can be so sweet.  God would not have it… He would not allow this day to just be sad, period!  He made sure this day would not happen without the good.

We had a court hearing for our boy today that had much potential for pain.  And there was pain.  So we sat with our boy telling him it should not be like this.  As much as we love him, and love loving him, it should not have been.  So we stood still and we felt the pain.  We mourned together, the 3 of us, at the table, crying tears. That is not the end of the story though… because of today’s happening in court, we are now able to call him ours very soon.  We can adopt our boy.  And so there were bittersweet tears. Bitterness that will turn into praise, at some point, when he is ready.

So our boy did not go back to school that day.  Instead we went to Chick Fil A for some comfort food to address the sadness. And then we went to Starbucks for a Celebration drink to address the goodness.

How beautiful a day can be, even if pain was mixed into it.

 

I love that you are here, and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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It’s okay not to be okay

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-0861.KHDon’t worry, I have been doing really well but I did run into a quote last week that I found very powerful.  This quote hits home for me since I do know life to be a roller coaster.  People, ask for help when life gets hard… You’d be surprised how many are ready to come along side you, sharing the weight.  You will be loved!

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Treasure in Jars of Clay

MaddyChristine Hope Photography-4610.Scripture

Not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, not destroyed.

I am sitting on the plane, back from Haiti, and taking in these words.  It has been an unbelievably hard week and I need to read those words over and over again.  God is allowing me to be hard pressed on every side, he is allowing me to be perplexed and persecuted and He saw me get struck down.  And he is bringing me to this: His promise that I always carry with me the death of Jesus.  Death is at work in me, so that life can be at work in you (those around me).

I am to be a source of life.  It takes determination, selflesness, constant forgiveness to be a source of life in the midst of the hatred, brokenness, and cruelty I have been through this past week.  At times, I doubt I can do this.  But God brings me back to this treasure I have because of Him.

I do not know the outcome.  I just want to believe it can be done: Every child from a hard place can heal!!

We are back in the therapist’s office as soon as we are home.  I am ready to reconcile and love but I have to wait for our boy to ‘break’.  The question is not: Do we want to keep him?  The question is: Does he want a family?  Does he want us?  And if so, will he submit to the natural authority that parents have over a child?  Will he let himself learn to love and be loved?

Please pray for what we are trying to do in our home.  Please pray for our boy, he is in desperate need for rescue but he has got to submit.  Pray he CAN maintain in a home and accept love.  Pray he stops resisting out of pure trauma and brokenness.  Please pray for perseverance for Tim and myself.  Pray we WILL BE Christ like and continue to know and feel we will not be crushed, in despair, abandoned or destroyed.  This all-surpassing power is from God.  In Him it is possible.  Pray for Hope!

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE ! ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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Ready for a mother’s heart

Our boy and I have landed somewhere I think, and we are going somewhere.  He hasn’t told me, God revealed it to me.

Our boy has been clear about boundaries: there is not to be any touch, there is no getting close, there is not too much caring accept for lattes in the morning and a strawberry banana milkshake in the afternoon.  I have had to put my heart away in some way.  I longed to touch him, to get close when he hurts, to show how much I care.  But he wasn’t ready.  Love hurt him.

In therapy I found out that our boy doesn’t know where I am at.  He is frustrated over that fact.  He even mentioned that he knows I am emotional, but he doesn’t know what that means: if that means we are in a good place, or if it means we are in a bad place. And because our boy still needs his space I have been given him that space no matter how hard.  And because our boy has the ability to really hurt other people (and me) along the way, I can’t help to get quiet at times and process what is happening in our home, making him insecure about where we are at with one another.

Today I realize he’s moving out of that place without saying so clearly, without even knowing it himself. I believe he longs for a mother’s touch.  He desperately wants to know I love him and approve of him.  But because he’s put me at a safe distance, and I have respected his boundary, he’s not had the opportunity to see my heart.  It’s made him insecure about our relationship.   And he is a child, he should not have to ask for it.  I am glad God showed me that our boy might be ready for more.  He might be ready for a mother’s heart.  He might be ready for me!

And it is scary. This boy can reject. I am going to put my heart out there in all vulnerability. I am going to love him knowing that  he has the ability to hurt me depending on where he is at on that day or in that moment. But when we get passed this, how precious it will be. We are very slowly moving towards being a family. Our boy told me last week that there is ‘being a family and having to work at being a family.’  He feels we are still in that second category and I agree. None of what we are doing feels like family, it feels like a mission and sometimes that is a hard reality when you long for family.

But than I remember what God has called us to. What my mission is in life: I am all for healing and hope.  I have experienced much of it in my life and I want to pass along God’s ability. Everyone can heal and have hope for his/her life. I want to walk along side people who need healing, I just never knew it was going to look like this: up close and personal, that it would take everything out of me, and that it would be touching and healing me at the same time.

 

I love that you are here and I would certainly love to hear from you.  To leave a comment go HERE !                                        ~ Also, be sure to check back in (or sign up for ‘Notify me of new comments’) because I may have left you a word or two in response ~

Coffee for the Heart is a place where we just see ourselves sitting down for coffee and sharing, accept it is on the internet, never the less it is very real.  Go HERE for more stories!

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