We are there again… exhausted deep into our soul. Sad, angry, hopeless, living in a stressful environment 24/7.
It’s been a week since Boy 1 spoke to me. Blow ups are happening constintently and like never before do I see his manipulation and the fact that it is hard to trust him. I am sad about him walking this path of not talking again, angry about the fact I feel he’s not pulling his weight. He could be going to therapy once a week, he could be showing us he’s all in by going to group therapy, and he certainly could put in every effort in school rather than ignoring all the help that is there for him.
I am that tired that I know it is okay to not pursue him right now. I can take a break and make sure I stay well in it all. So my schedule is emptier and the ‘only’ things I do is take care of the home chores, work just a little, drive them places, go on daily walks, sleep when I can, visit the boys’ soccer games, focus on my marriage, focus on the other 2 kiddos, sit with my Father on a very regular basis and meet only with people that understand or energize me. That is all I can take.
Still the anger and stress is getting to me.
Then my husband joins me on the front porch this morning, sharing his thoughts with me. I am blessed with a husband who always strives to be better, who has the ability to SEE and always desires to be Compassionate and have Love. He reminds me that we don’t want to become indifferent to our boy. That we do not want to loose our compassion for him. That our disappointment or anger can not take over. We have to remember where he comes from, his reasons for his rollercoasters and getting out of control. We have to keep working with his brokenness and let God fill us with Hope. I start shaking my head as if to say yes yes yes. And even though my anger is trying to hold me back, I know Tim is right! I realize it is okay that I am not fully pursuing this boy, that it’ll come back to me… I can take space for me, at the same time I can foster compassion and love.
So I get still even more… just trying to sit in God’s presence who in mysterious ways fills me up and changes me. Compassion will come back, love will overtake once again, I don’t have to worry about it. We will always strive to be better!
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Art by Jean Keaton