Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

I heard some footsteps on the top floor.  “Ah, someone must have woken up” I thought.  I made my way up and I saw boy 1. I guided him back to his room and I kissed him, I stroke his head and wished him good morning. Then I broke the rules, just to show him I love him dearly.  I grabbed his device from the other room and brought it to him.  His smile was so big, he knew I was making an exception, the one where we do not allow devices in the bed room.  Then he said: “Mom, you can stay here if you want….” When a child says that, at least our child, he is not saying, he is asking!  And so I climbed in his bed and we cuddled.  “Mom, I just do not know how I am going to feel on Monday.” And we talked about the big day coming up.

“I have been dreaming about this day for years.  I have wanted this day for years but now I just don’t know how I am going to feel.”

These moments are precious.  So very precious and there really is nothing better in my life then a moment like this where one of our boys just connects in the deepest way.  I feel our hearts attach, I feel welcomed and all walls, all fear, all mistrust is gone.

We are in Colorado for boy 1’s adoption hearing. We are adopting boy 1 on Monday November the 14th.  That day 2 years ago we met him for the very first time.  So we are blessed with our hearing taking  place on that very special date.

A few weeks ago, in preparation for this trip, I asked both boys to make me a list of places they wanted to go, people they wanted to see and things they needed to smell, touch, taste or hear.  I made no promises, I just said I would work hard to get all the things on their list organized.  Thursday would be boy 1’s day, Friday we’d focus on boy 2.  And so it was.

The days have been long and very emotional.  And our boys… they get through it like champs.  One thing they do is amazing… they share how hard it it so see certain people and places.  How it is good but it also brings up painful memories. Especially boy 2 usually processes on his own: he gets quite and plays basketball.  But during this trip he continuously invites us in.  He wants to share.  Both boys are feeling it, they are truly allowing the pain of the past to surface, and we do this trip as a family.  Hurt is carried by us all and the pain in on the move.

I am forever grateful for the people who were willing to go out of their way to give of their time. But this was not a one way affair. We have seen people run towards the boys, we have had past teachers cry at this reunion, we have heard from each and every person how the boys affected them!!!!!  Boys that were rejected, over and over again, are meeting with people who have ALWAYS recognized how unique they are.

I am so proud of these boys and I pray that after these many reunions, they realize it was never about them. They were never rejected because of who they are! I am also proud of them because they were strong. They endured severe pain and I look at them today and see how they fought to stay alive, how they fought to keep hope, trusting that good was in their future.

And here we are… boy 2 is awake now too.  I guide him back to his room, also with his device and soon I carry up lattes and tuck them in. We have a few hours before we start connecting again with the people of their past.



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12 comments on “Mom, I just don’t know how I am going to feel

  1. Erica

    Love to be on this journey with your amazing family.

  2. Sara

    I love this!! You are such a sweet and caring Mom. Lots of love to you all on this special trip.

  3. Mrs.Hancock

    Thank you for bringing both boys to see Boy 2’s past teachers! It was so good to see them both happy and loved…and them KNOWING that they are. Boy 2 made a gest impression on his team of teachers and we talk about him often and have wondered how they both were doing. The love is obvious, and I am so very happy for you all. I hope Boy 2 will always know that he was special to us during those hard times and we always had his back. Love to you all always and thank you for wanting Ann’s loving these two Betty special boys.

  4. Margreet

    Crying.. what a beautiful post and I am so happy to hear that boy 1 will have his forever home on Monday November 14th! I needed to read this today! Praying for all of you!

  5. Jill Dubbs

    I am eager to hear how it goes on the 14th. What an emotional day it will be. Hoping that boy 2 will want to be adopted as well. I think of you as “God’s Family.” He put you together.

  6. Steve & Eleanor

    We are so happy for you all. God is so faithful. It is such a gift yo know him. God Bless you all.

  7. Sister Roberta

    May Boy 1, his great parents and brother…boy 2 be feeling really really GREAT about now!
    God bless you all!

  8. Carolyn0107

    Following your blog Maddy. Fun to hear about the boys. Carolyn