“It is not easy to be me” is something I actually say out loud, and recently more frequently. In that I find myself needing some answers. I want answers as it feels that answers will make things more bearable some how.
Something grabbed my attention last week and I decided to research. I came across somebody talking about HSP, a highly sensitive person, and the way these people were described… I was described. And what a comfort it gave me. I have been telling Tim quite often that I just feel I need to get away, alone, just for a few days. There is this deep need to get my batteries recharged. I am thinking that if I just take some time away, I will come back energized. But I understand, that Tim doesn’t understand. And it’s not that I need a break from him, or from the boys, in some way I need a break from life.
The more I read, the more I made sense. And then I took some online tests and they all showed that I am an HSP. HSP is not a disorder. It’s not bad, it’s not good, but the world would sure be less of a place without HSP’s. They (I) think deeply, they (I) feel deeply, and seek meaning in everything. They (I) reveal deeply, they (I) are (am) creative, and emotions like love and joy are felt intensely, they are beautiful intense emotions. HSP’s are often extroverts but because they need down time, they are often perceived as introverts. Their depth of processing cannot be seen by others, and because their processing goes so deeply they get overstimulated. They also think constantly; memories keep coming up and I have always wondered why I would still think about what seem silly and unimportant moments from the far away past. And because they (I) take in everything that they (I) see, feel, taste and hear, they (I) do need alone time regularly. Downtime, a rest from all the impulses is a necessity.
And here I am, feeling just different from the people around me. Feeling the need to explain at least to my husband why I’d rather stay home. Or why after having spend days on end with people, or why after a busy afternoon with the boys watching some TV while I was on the computer in the same room, I am simply exhausted. It means I’d like to retrieve to my bed with no noise, no lights, without anything or anyone to take care of. But I can’t explain, I have not been able to make sense of it.
Frankly, I am not 100% sure I am an HSP, but for now I will keep reading about it, and I will keep getting comfort out of what I am reading. And whatever is going on with me, whoever I am, one thing is clear: I want to learn to fully embrace who I am.
That regular break from life seems unrealistic and yet, today I understand that this may be who I am and I may actually find a way to just get away on a regular basis. And in my day to day, I may find that downtime is the key to everything.
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