We are in the middle of a very hard patch. During our vacation in NC last week things did not go well, and I mean, did NOT go well. And so upon return, we knew our place to be: this week alone is filled with 8 hours of family therapy.
We are tired. All of us are. And in this moment we do not know how to get passed things. If I speak for myself, I am still feeling very angry about the things that have happened the past week, and I am also still getting very hurt by actions of boy 2. All that is hard to take in, it’s hard to process. So I am in no place to start talking, especially if the talking I do is met with anger, resentment and without any sense of wanting to get better. Boy 1 is tired and he expressed it in therapy: “I am not sure we should be talking. I am so tired from trying to be good, and mom and dad are so tired of having to deal with my behavior. It seems we need to take a break and rest, to not talk until we are more ready.”
And so our amazing therapist asked our boy what people do when they are tired. They sleep, that is right. “So yes, I think you all are tired. How about a 24 hour rest period?” she asked. And together we put a plan in place. We go to bed early, no late nights just because it’s summer vacation. No sleeping in, that only causes you not to be ready for normal bed time, routine is important. No date night for mom and dad. No children asking to go out to spend time with friends and no ‘going to the movies’ requests. And most importantly: NO talking about any of what happened. This time is to rest and to focus inwardly.
It was time to pull a few other important things, and we knew this was not going to be easy on the boys, in fact, it would make them MAD!! There is a huge need for us to go inward. What happened last week? Why? How can we understand better why we do what we do? And so we also called in a media fast. No devices, no tv, no electronics. If we spend this rest time being on devices, watching tv… we’d learn nothing. We can indulge in snapchat and it’s great how numbing that works. Sure we can hang out with friends but then we are not dealing with any issues on the inside, we are just walking away from them. It was time to get uncomfortable.
It’s time to face our pain, past and present. And with that our therapist gave us an exercise. An exercise I will not get into right now, but the exercise is hard work. It takes huge effort. It takes looking back, sitting with the past, feeling the pain of it, and learning about our believe system today because of it.
So here we are… the home is very quiet. I catch boy 1 on the porch with his note book, working hard to go there. To go to that place hidden deep within, and I see him hurt by what he discovers. I have to let it be ok. He is hurting but I have to let him be. I see my husband having a longer ‘daddy time’ then usual. Boy 2 is mainly struggling with not having his device, he is angry. I know he has a long way to go. I have to let him sit with the anger. I can’t help him. I see boys reading books. I see boys picking up jobs around the house. I even hear boys chatting about important stuff, deep stuff and it happens without anger or fights. And me… I mostly watch our family do this. Being this uncomfortable is not foreign to me. I have learned in life that I can’t control things, that I can’t walk away from pain and I know it is important not to get into someone else’s pain. Sometimes you just need to let someone be there. And watching that hurts, but I am ok with it. So me… I write, I pray, I cry, I do this very difficult exercise, and me… I go deep as well.
I love that you are here and I certainly would love to hear from you. To leave a comment go HERE !