Our boy and I have landed somewhere I think, and we are going somewhere. He hasn’t told me, God revealed it to me.
Our boy has been clear about boundaries: there is not to be any touch, there is no getting close, there is not too much caring accept for lattes in the morning and a strawberry banana milkshake in the afternoon. I have had to put my heart away in some way. I longed to touch him, to get close when he hurts, to show how much I care. But he wasn’t ready. Love hurt him.
In therapy I found out that our boy doesn’t know where I am at. He is frustrated over that fact. He even mentioned that he knows I am emotional, but he doesn’t know what that means: if that means we are in a good place, or if it means we are in a bad place. And because our boy still needs his space I have been given him that space no matter how hard. And because our boy has the ability to really hurt other people (and me) along the way, I can’t help to get quiet at times and process what is happening in our home, making him insecure about where we are at with one another.
Today I realize he’s moving out of that place without saying so clearly, without even knowing it himself. I believe he longs for a mother’s touch. He desperately wants to know I love him and approve of him. But because he’s put me at a safe distance, and I have respected his boundary, he’s not had the opportunity to see my heart. It’s made him insecure about our relationship. And he is a child, he should not have to ask for it. I am glad God showed me that our boy might be ready for more. He might be ready for a mother’s heart. He might be ready for me!
And it is scary. This boy can reject. I am going to put my heart out there in all vulnerability. I am going to love him knowing that he has the ability to hurt me depending on where he is at on that day or in that moment. But when we get passed this, how precious it will be. We are very slowly moving towards being a family. Our boy told me last week that there is ‘being a family and having to work at being a family.’ He feels we are still in that second category and I agree. None of what we are doing feels like family, it feels like a mission and sometimes that is a hard reality when you long for family.
But than I remember what God has called us to. What my mission is in life: I am all for healing and hope. I have experienced much of it in my life and I want to pass along God’s ability. Everyone can heal and have hope for his/her life. I want to walk along side people who need healing, I just never knew it was going to look like this: up close and personal, that it would take everything out of me, and that it would be touching and healing me at the same time.
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