Today I did something very brave. And not because I am such a great person. No, it’s been in the making for a long time and ultimately, by God’s grace alone. He’s my example and He is making me and molding me… still… always.
I was waiting for that phone call. I was waiting for that sweet word. I was waiting for love. But it wasn’t coming. Not even from this person who really aught to be and do all that. For months I have been tossing over this. Do I pick up that phone? Do I initiate, even if it is not my job? How will I deal with the loss, the disappointment, the pain, the mourning? Thoughts like: “Why would I put myself through that pain again? I should just close the chapter all together.” were part of my process.
But there is another option. I could put pride aside. I could potentially learn to love this person for who she is not. I could learn to expect less even though I am in my right to expect lots. And slowly God was directing me towards picking up the phone. He was gentle about it, giving me time. He showed me a few weeks ago but the pain and disappointment froze me. Until this morning when I realized I need to let go of justice. If I do not move in this situation, this situation wil not move. I am stuck in this place and have been for over a year. Nothing can happen if I do not act. Though I had compassion on myself in the not acting. Lots of compassion for everything I felt. It had value. But today I chose to move away from it.
I can put pride aside. I can let go of this dark place inside of me that holds on to justice and instead… I can love. I CAN… LOVE. And what a great place to grow into…to love someone who doesn’t love back in the way I so desire to be loved. I can love this person for who she is not. It’s not a done deal… but I will learn. And I will be more whole because of it. More beautiful.
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