So we have a difficult morning today. I saw our boy go down hill the last 4 days and there was nothing I could do about it. He was starting to get very rude, would not speak to us, would answer us only by head shake or a mumble. He’s just not pleasant to be around. We try and not let it influence our time together as a couple, meal time can still be cozy and fun right? Just because he is not pleasant, it doesn’t mean the rest of the family can’t have a pleasant time. Yes, Tim and I have learned a lot in a short time 😉 .
The one thing we do is hold up a mirror to him the best way we can: “We notice you are moving into your little self. You are not as talkative, and you are being pretty rude. Something is going on and you probably do not even know what yourself. That’s okay. Know we are here, but also know there are some people you can call. You don’t have to do this alone. And we do need you to watch your attitude a bit, you always have a choice. Let us help you make wise choices in that.”
This behavior has everything to do with bonding issues, adjusting issues, fear, and it’s the result of a very rocky past. I don’t think our boy does any of this intentionally. He needs it to cope. It’s sad to witness, it’s sad to be a bystander and not being able to fix this for him. And in that I realize we do much, we do all we can.
We try to not take anything personal (VERY hard for someone like me), we try not to respond in our emotion and anger is very useless since it doesn’t help us move forward. My nature wants to punish, after all, he is being so very disrespectful but it’s not what he needs. Sure we have boundaries, but with the help of professionals we also prefer to look at his circumstances. He is a boy from hard places! That makes we can’t respond in ways that one would probably do with biological children.
It gets tiring. It’s draining. It’s not fun. And it causes me to reach out to friends all the time. And when Tim and I spoke last night we mentioned how none of this feels good, still we know God has called us. We trust God’s heart and we move along. God is not a God about making us feel good, He may have a way deeper plan for our life, and for a life within our life. So we move close to God, and we pray to God that this boy will find us.
My reminders for moments of crises: 1. Do not take things personal. 2. Do not respond in anger. 3. Do not respond in any emotion. 4. Walk away from the situation when the going gets really tough. Let it be! till a talk can take place, even if that isn’t till days from now. 5. Pretend it’s not there and continue on with life. We all know it’s there, we just can’t let it set the stage for our day, our marriage or our home. There is life besides a crises. There is life during a crises! This also takes off pressure of our boy by the way. He doesn’t feel he’s the center, it gives him some space and it helps him move out of ‘it’. All the while continuing our love for him and we continue to serve him: wishing him a great day at school with a happy voice, putting out snacks for him to take to school are some examples. We do not withdraw from him in a time like this. 6. When the time to talk presents itself, share about how we felt during the crises. We can be honest about our feelings and experiences. This also opens up our boy’s eyes that he’s not the only one in this.
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